


No One I Trust to Tie Me Down

by AddisonZhang



Series: fics about working through hardcore kinks [2]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Abuse of Power Dynamics, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, BDSM, Barebacking, Blood and Violence, Blow Jobs, Bottom Lee Taeyong, Brief Mentions of Underage, Cheating, Choking, Coercion, Crying, Dirty Talk, Established Relationship, Extremely Dubious Consent, Face Slapping, Gags, Irresponsible and Unsafe Sadiomasochism, Jaehyun is a loving boyfriend, M/M, Masochism, Masturbation, Mental Health Issues, Multi, Pain Kink, Porn With Plot, Psychi Study, Rough Sex, Self-Desctruction, Sexting, Size Kink, Spanking, Spit As Lube, Taeyong can't get enough and he's bad for his own health, Unsafe Sex, Verbal Abuse, Verbal Humiliation, Whipping, over-stimulation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-22
Updated: 2019-02-20
Packaged: 2019-10-14 07:16:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 16
Words: 40,730
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17504054
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AddisonZhang/pseuds/AddisonZhang
Summary: Taeyong needs MORE and after 2 years of trial and error, he isn't sure that boyfriend Jaehyun can actually give it to him.Jaehyun loves his boyfriend Taeyong more than anything--they're best friends!--and he would do everything in his power to make Tae happy. But what if what Taeyong wants isn't actually good for him?- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -AKA Taeyong is an insatiable masochist--to the point of endangering himself--and boyfriend Jaehyun is struggling to help him without simply giving in to his dark desires.For Aleia <3





	1. Chapter 1

They were best friends first, so maybe that’s where all the trouble started.

Or at least, that’s what Taeyong tells himself every time he starts to get discouraged. There’s a lot to love about Jaehyun and there’s a lot of amazing things about their relationship to be grateful for--

\--Jaehyung’s morning sleep-eyes, coffee at the kitchen counter in their socks, a little peck before Taeyong hops out of the car for class (a sneaky one because Jaehyun’s still shy about being public,) and nights spent together relaxing, laughing, cuddling--

And the sex, too, of course. It’s really good.

Or at least, that’s what Taeyong tells himself every time he feels that uncomfortable twinge of disappointment after they finish. Or when he’s still horny and preoccupied well into the next day.

 

_“Ohhh fuck babe, that was really good. Really good,” Jaehyun huffed out happily, obviously satisfied. His bare body was covered in a light sheen of sweat from their activity, chest heaving up toward the ceiling as he laid spread-eagle on his back in the bed. Taeyong was there beside him, laying on his side with his head resting in the crook of his shoulder. He lay quietly with his gaze fixed on the side of Jaehyun’s blissed out face._

_“Yeah?” he prompted lightheartedly._

_“Yes!” Jaehyun groaned, like he couldn’t even handle the wonderful rush of post orgasmic pheromones that were flooding through his system. He rolled his head over to grin at Taeyong, reaching out a hand to ruffle the other boy’s hair. “How was yours?”_

_“Yeah, really good.”_

_“Good,” Jaehyun sighed happily. He rolled over to wrap his arms around Taeyong’s smaller frame. “How’s your bum?” He rubs his thumb over one of the raised welts that licks across the side of Taeyong’s hip bone._

_“Yeah, good. Warm.”_

_“Mmm.” Jaehyun pulled him even closer and pressed a sift kiss on his forehead--perfectly content._

__

But Taeyong on the other hand is preoccupied and grumpy only ten or so hours later. He’s horny in the worst way--the impossible to cure kind that just makes him…

\---well…

\---quite frankly…

It makes him depressed.

But he can’t tell that to his boyfriend! Jaehyun tries so hard to satisfy him when he gets in these moods.

He has asked to be spanked, so Jaehyun spanks him. When Taeyong clarified after several weeks of feeling let down that he actually wants to be _hit_ \--like slapped, even _punched_ \--Jaehyun worked through his discomfort with that idea and started slapping Taeyong’s face every now and then. When Taeyong asked to be choked, Jaehyun choked him hard one time and hated the way it made Taeyong’s face turn red and panicky. He hated the hand print that he left behind across Taeyong’s thin, pale neck, and so he used much less force whenever he remembered to do it from then on. When Taeyong finally worked up the nerve to express how badly he was craving a verbal element of humiliation, Jaehyun started talking dirty to him.

 

_“Call me a slut or something,” Taeyong suggested. Jaehyun bit the corner of his lip, unsure._

_“Yeah?”_

_“Yeah. Something like that. I want you to--like--talk down to me, not talk dirty to me.”_

__

It took him quite a few tries to sound convincingly condescending, but eventually he got there. That's where it stopped, though. If Taeyong wanted more, he always had to ask for it. Jaehyun couldn’t be very creative when it came to the verbal humiliation. Taeyong said ‘call me a slut’ so Jaehyun called him ‘slut.’ Nothing else.

 

_“You can be creative,” Taeyong tried one time a few months ago. He was always trying to give Jaehyun passive and positive tips on how to do it better. “I like not knowing what’s going to happen so if you only do what I’ve told you to do, then it’s not…like…It’s not the feeling that I’m actually chasing.”_

_“But what if I mess up, though?” Jaehyun lowered his brow in concern. “What if I hurt you or, like, really offend you? I don’t want to go there.”_

_“I know but...” Taeyong trailed off, his eyes drooping down and away from his boyfriend’s gaze. “That’s why we have a safe word,” he reminded him. Jaehyun had probably forgotten all about the safe word that they established waaayyyy back when in the beginning of their transition from best friends to lovers--back when Taeyong finally admitted in no uncertain terms that he was a masochist and Jaehyun readily assured him that he was completely open to that side of him._

_But in two years, they had never even gotten close to a point where Taeyong’s safe word came to mind._

 

Which is the epitome of the problem. It is never enough for Taeyong. The sex, the scene, whatever you want to call it: the intensity of their reality is always far, far lower than the extent of Taeyong’s fantasies. The bruises Jaehyun leaves on him are mildly painful and fleeting as is the painful pleasure of penetration. Jaehyun is big--there can be no complaints in that department--but even his ‘rough’ sex is gentle enough and thoroughly prepared for.

But worst of all, Taeyong is never, ever scared. He never feels helpless. And he never feels anything the next day other than an emptiness that needs to be filled with _more _.__  

And he can only ask so many times before he starts to lose hope. Maybe he’s not meant to ever experience the things that he fantasizes about, because how can he get Jaehyun to perform properly if he’s failed so far? He has tried over and over again to communicate that he needs _more_ , he needs _meaner_ , he needs _harder_ , and Jaehyun listens and Jaehyun tries--

And yet, despite all of that love and effort, Taeyong is still here, frowning at the lab table with his hood nearly covering his eyes, completely ignoring the lecture, unfulfilled and miserable.

He passes the rest of class that way and then just before it ends, his phone vibrates, lighting up a large rectangle underneath the notebook paper. He flips the page and finds a text notification.

 

**Jae the Bae <3       2:13pm  “Peking Pearl Palace or Hop Fooey for dinner?”**

****

Pulled out of his own thoughts for the first time in hours, Taeyong cracks a smile. Their on-going game of making up fake restaurant names as dinner options is always amusing. He takes a shaky little breath and taps on the screen to reply,

 

**2:14pm  “Oh Hop Fooey 100%. With ur dick for dessert plz.”**

****

His tongue flicks out nervously over his bottom lip as he hits send and folds the phone back into his notebook. Normally he wouldn’t be so pathetic and obvious about it--he _hates_  begging for it--but he can already tell that his moodiness is not going to go away until he gets another, better dose of Jaehyun. Hopefully one that’s a much more intense this time.

 

 _Bzzz._   **Jae the Bae <3  2:16pm  “Ok dirty boy. ;P See you after PolySci.” **

 

Taeyong sighs, allowing a bit of relief to soften his grumpiness. See? Jaehyun would always give him anything he wanted! _He loves me so much,_ Taeyong reminds himself. He has nothing to be pouty about. Not really. 

And besides, Jaehyun is his best friend in the world and that’s the most important thing.


	2. Chapter 2

They end up eating dinner at home instead of going out. “Might as well save the money for a date night,” Jaehyun says with a cheeky grin.

Taeyong cracks half a smile, but inside the comment concerns him. He was under the impression that this _was_  a date night.

Jaehyun cooks up two bowls of what he calls ‘gourmet ramen’ : basic Japanese instant ramen (the spicy miso flavor) with a ton of toppings added. Everything from imitation crab to soft-boiled eggs. By the time they’re finished, they’re both stuffed.

And that worries Taeyong as well. Eating a large and filling meal before sex--particularly the intense and heavily active kind that Taeyong expects Jaehyun to perform--is never a good idea.

 _Maybe he forgot already,_  Taeyong thinks, frowning unconsciously into his ramen bowl. This certainly wouldn’t be the first time that Taeyong had sex on the brain while Jaehyun was blissfully ignorant of his partner’s horniness. Taeyong knows that he really can’t fault Jaehyun for having a slightly lower sex drive than he does. Everyone is different. But when Taeyong takes the time to specifically ask for it, he gets quite pouty and put out if Jaehyun forgets or simply does not follow through.

“So…how about that dessert you wanted?”

Surprised, Taeyong’s head pops up, eyes brightening with semi-veiled hopefulness as he looks over at his boyfriend. Sure enough, Jaehyun is smirking at him from across the table. He can only mean one thing.

Jaehyun goes on with a little chuckle, “Did you save room for my cock?”

“Even if I didn’t, we can always make room.”

“Mm. Let’s get you upstairs then.” Jaehyun rises from the table, his chair scraping over the wooden kitchen floor with a rough groan. Taeyong stays seated for a moment, watching him rise to his full height before following him in the motion. As he passes Jaehyun to head for the stairs, the taller boy plants a rough smack on his ass. “Go on,” he says from behind Taeyong, “I gotta clean up these dishes. I’ll be up in a minute.”

Taeyong obediently goes up the stairs to their bedroom without a glance back in Jaehyun’s direction. It’s a small bedroom--an attic space, really--but the way that they had it set up makes it feel cozy rather than dinky. The bed is tucked away in an alcove in the corner next to the window, so most of the room is open space. They share a long, low dresser and other than that, the room is nearly devoid of furniture. The only other thing worth noting is the chest at the foot of the bed where they keep the toys.

It was Taeyong’s idea of course. Over the past year of living together, Taeyong had bought or requested many new toys to try and spice things up where Jaehyun was lacking. He bought a paddle to encourage Jaehyun to hit him more. He bought rope for Jaehyun to tie him up, and when that proved more challenging than arousing, he bought a pair of handcuffs.

“We should have gotten the ones that have fur on them,” Jaehyun complained when he first saw the heavy metal cuffs several months ago. “These are going to hurt your wrists!”

“That’s okay. I like that,” Taeyong assured him again and again.

Aside from the rope and the cuffs, Taeyong had recently acquired a series of plugs and even a flogger because Jaehyun still wasn’t fond of whipping Taeyong with their belts.

“My dad used to spank me with his belt, you know,” Jaehyun had said once after a poorly executed scene of that very nature. He’d done his best and delivered at least ten fantastic lashes, but he was completely turned off by it. “I just can’t get into doing that to you.”

On the other hand, Jaehyun seems to enjoy using the flogger, although he isn’t particularly skilled at hurting Taeyong with it. The blows are generally too light to leave the lasting bruises that Taeyong craves, and he hates to constantly ask for _more_ and _harder_  during a scene because that defeats the purpose.

But hopefully this time will be better--or at least enough to tide him over until the next time he’s craving abuse.

 

After about five minutes of waiting on the edge of the bed, Taeyong hears Jaehyun’s footsteps coming up the stairs. He settles himself in a more alluring posture and gazes at the door frame, waiting for his lover to appear. As soon as Jaehyun’s handsome face appears, Taeyong feels a nervous flutter in his guts.

_What if it’s not enough again?_

The thought is always there, always nagging at the back of his mind.

 

“Waiting patiently, I see,” Jaehyun notes approvingly. He smiles as he crosses the room in casual steps to meet Taeyong at the edge of the bed. Once he’s standing directly in front of him, Taeyong has to lean his head all the way back in order to maintain eye contact. “Have you been horny all day?”

“Yes,” Taeyong admits rather begrudgingly.

“Well in that case, I’m surprised you’re not naked already,” he teases, lightly chucking Taeyong’s chin with the knuckle of his index finger.

“You didn’t tell me to get naked,” Taeyong replies. He’s always having to remind Jaehyun that he wants to be told what to do--given orders. There is a challenging twinkle in his eye as he gazes up at Jaehyun, waiting for him to catch on.

“Fine. Take your clothes off.”

Taeyong obeys at once, stripping his shirt off over his head and then working his pants and boxers down over his ankles in one swoop. Last, he peels off his socks and kicks them in the direction of the growing pile of clothing at their feet, and all the while Jaehyun stands above him in silence.

They stay that way for a few moments--Taeyong sitting on the bed, totally naked, while Jaehyun towers above him without a word. And when Jaehyun finally opens his mouth, Taeyong is surprised by what comes out.

“Today, you’re in charge,” he says. “I want you to tell me--explicitly--what to do to you.”

Dislike and discomfort must be written all over Taeyong’s face, because Jaehyun’s voice takes on a more serious quality that leaves no room for argument as he goes on,

“You don’t have to do anything. Just tell me what to do to you. Understand?”

It a very off-putting idea and Taeyong can barely contain his disappointment. Why can’t Jaehyun just _do it_  for god’s sake?! Taeyong has already explained his desires a million and one times! Why does he need to explicitly spell it out step by step?

He grimaces slightly. “Jaehyun, I--”

Jaehyun cuts him off, pressing a large hand over his mouth and pushing him down backwards onto the mattress. “No arguing. Do it,” he says, a harsher quality to his voice than Taeyong is used to hearing from him. “And don’t hold back. Anything that comes into your slutty brain, you tell me. Got it?” He presses down on Taeyong’s face a little bit harder for good measure before letting go of his face to allow an answer.

“Ok,” Taeyong finally agrees. Maybe it’s not the worst idea after all. They can make this work. Jaehyung shoving him down on his back with no warning and telling him what to do--even something as undesirable as this--was still enough to make Taeyong’s dick twitch. _Yeah, this could be okay._ “Make me answer you more properly. Tell me what to call you,” Taeyong begins. A little blush creeps over his cheeks.

“Call me Sir,” Jaehyun says.

“Yes, sir,” Taeyong nods up at him. “Do you remember my safe word?”

“Remind me.”

“It’s flamingo,” Taeyong tells him. He’s not surprised that Jaehyun doesn’t recall it. The whole idea of needing a safe word has never been something that really sticks in Jaehyun’s brain.

“Okay,” Jaehyun nods. “So? Tell me what you want, slut.” He punctuates the last word like he always does. It’s always something he has to try to say; it would never come out of his mouth naturally.

“Will you tie me up, sir?” Taeyong asks, feeling the redness of his cheeks grow just a little darker. He absolutely hates having to ask for it, but if these are his orders than so be it.

“Cuffs or rope?”

“Whatever you like, sir.”

Jaehyun crawls off of him and goes to the chest at the foot of the bed. “Cuffs it is. That stupid rope is way too complicated.” He returns with the cuffs and waggles them at Taeyong, making the metal jingle. “Wrists.”

Rather than simply offering his wrists to Jaehyun, Taeyong says, “Cuff me to the bed frame,” so Jaehyun grabs his arm and pulls him back up to a seated position before pushing him down again in such a way that he can do just that. A minute later, the metallic clicking of the cuffs closing rings out loudly in the silence between them. Taeyong wiggles his fingers--outstretched high above his head--and feels satisfied with the tightness.

“Tight enough for you?” Jaehyun asks. The sarcastic bite in his voice makes Taeyong’s cock spring to life at last. In the past, Taeyong had often slipped his wrists out of Jaehyun’s rope work with no trouble whatsoever after a scene ended.

“Yes, sir.”

“Good. No escaping this time.” Just then, Jaehyun’s eyes wander down a bit and he notices the budding erection between Taeyong’s thighs. “Tell me exactly what got you hard,” he demands, pawing far too gently at Taeyong’s cock to be anything but loving.

“Your tone of voice,” Taeyong admits. “And the way the hand cuffs feel.”

“Mm yeah? You like when I talk down to you, you dirty slut?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Tell me what else you would like.”

“I want you to hurt me now.”

“How?” Jaehyun prompts as his hand moves from Taeyong’s erection to the front of his thigh. He curls his finger tips into the flesh there and lets his nails prick into the muscle, watching Taeyong’s face for signs of pain.

That’s an impossible question to answer. He wants to be overwhelmed in a flurry of violence until he fears that he can’t take it anymore. He wants to be systematically tortured for someone else’s amusement. He wants to be hurt until there are tears on his face--until he loses count of the blows or of all the ways that he has been hurt. Until he hardly understands what is happening to him--

“I don’t want to tell you,” he says, his brow furrowing in confusion as to what _exactly_  he wants. He knows what feeling he’s chasing, but it’s impossible to get there while giving step by step instructions. “T-try to _make_  me tell you. Hit me.”

 _Smack!_ Jaehyun’s hand slaps across the left side of his face without much force, but the sound of it is satisfying. “Stop playing around and tell me what you want, slut.”

“Hit me harder.”

 _Smack!!_  A bit harder this time. Taeyong’s head snaps to the left as a warm sensation spreads across his right cheek from the blow. A hand grabs his jaw and guides his head back into a forward position. “Do you want me to flog you?”

“N-not yet,” Taeyong admits, his eyes slipping out of Jaehyun’s gaze. “Hit me harder.”

 _SMACK!_  “Yeah? Like that?” This time it’s a backhand and it stings in the best way, snapping Taeyong’s head fully to the right so that his cheek hits the mattress. He vaguely wishes that the bed wasn’t so soft.

“Yeah. Do it again.”

Jaehyun hesitates for a second before delivering another backhand of the same force from the other side. For the first time, the surprising sting and the building pain from the series of strikes makes Taeyong cringe, eyes squeezing shut for a second as he recovers. “You like that?” Jaehyun asks. His voice is rough--trying and failing to hide his disbelief under conjured condescension.

“Oooo yes, sir,” Taeyong says huskily, his cock fully hard between his legs now. “Give me more. Punch me.” As soon as the words are out of his mouth, Taeyong cringes, expecting Jaehyun to quickly give him what he’s asked for.

 

But the blow doesn’t come.

 

He waits for a moment and then turns his gaze on Jaehyun, confused. The other boy is sitting above him, looking conflicted. When their eyes meet, Jaehyun says, “I’m not gonna _punch_ you, Tae.”

“Why not?” Taeyong asks, confused. He had just been smacking him pretty hard. What’s the big deal?

“Because, that’s--” Jaehyun shakes his head, a little frown pulling on the corner of his lips. “That’s too much, Tae, come on.”

A little flash of indignation rises up in Taeyong’s chest. He wants it and Jaehyun said he would do whatever he wanted! So why is this an issue? “It’s not too much. I’m fine; trust me,” he argues, his erection flagging.

“I’m sure you can take it, that’s not the problem,” Jaehyun shakes his head. “I’m just saying, I’m not going to _punch_  you in the face. You’re my boyfriend. That’s insane.”

“Insane?” Taeyong repeats. “Really? You said ‘anything that comes into my brain,’ remember? How are you going to tell me that I’m insane? I’m doing what you said!”

“I…” Jaehyun takes a heavy breath, seemingly exhausted by this argument. He drops a heavy hand on Taeyong’s bare thigh and pats it. “I’m sorry, I don’t mean that you’re insane. I’m just saying that for me, punching you is too much. And honestly it should be too much for you, too.”

“Why?” Taeyong snaps back, getting angry, now. This is not the direction they should be going. “You’ve always said that you’re open to whatever I want. Why is that one little thing any different?”

Jaehyun shoots him a look. “You really want to go to school with a black eye tomorrow? That’s seriously what you want? Because eventually people are going to think something's wrong if you’re always showing up with bruises all over you--especially on your face. And then guess what? People start questioning _me_.”

“So?”

“So?!” Jaehyun’s mouth falls open in disbelief. “So, you want people to think I’m an abusive boyfriend?”

Taeyong frowns and says nothing. Why can’t Jaehyun just give him what he wants? He made him ask for it and now he won’t even do it?! This is complete bullshit.

“Well?” Jaehyun prompts him after a moment of uncomfortable silence. He pats Taeyong’s thigh again. “Don’t you see why that’s a problem?”

The real problem, as far as Taeyong is concerned, is that if Jaehyun won’t even punch him then there’s truly no way he will ever go far enough to satisfy him. What would he have said when Taeyong asked him to make him bleed? Or when Taeyong told him to keep flogging him until he _begged_ for mercy?

He would just say no and judge him--that’s what.

“You’re being really fucking dramatic,” Taeyong gripes at last, “and hypocritical.”

Jaehyun stares at him, stunned. “I can’t believe how selfish you’re being right now.” He shakes his head sadly, like he is disappointed in him, and that makes Taeyong see red.

“Just--” He could nearly choke on the frustration and disappointment that is building up inside of his chest right now. “Get me out of these hand cuffs. Fuck.”

“Tae--” Jaehyun starts, but Taeyong won’t have any of it.

“Let me out!” he snaps. All of the horniness has melted away into a dark pit of emotions and suddenly the last thing he wants is to be naked under his boyfriend’s gaze.

Jaehyun fumbles to release him without another word, looking somber. As soon as the cuffs click open, Taeyong sits up and slips out from under Jaehyun’s arm, grabbing his clothes from the floor and pulling them back on at once.

“I’m sorry, Tae, I didn’t mean to piss you off. That was just too far out of my comfort zone.”

Taeyong is hardly listening. He’s pulling his shirt back on over his head in a rush, mussing up his hair.

“Can we just…I mean--let’s talk about this.”

“Nah,” Taeyong says, zipping his pants. He doesn’t look at his boyfriend as he speaks. “I have a study group thing at 8 but I’m just going to head over there early.”

“Taeyong--”

“Forget it. We’ll talk later.” He keeps a hard exterior and turns to go, his face still red and throbbing from the slaps.


	3. Chapter 3

_Bzzz._

 

Taeyong’s eyes flutter open, awakened from a hazy dream. He lies still on his pillow without moving for a few moments in order to get his bearings. One second ago he was in another world, pushing his way through dark green undergrowth and now, suddenly, he is in bed, his eyes flooded by the white light of morning.

Eventually he wakes up enough to roll over onto his back. Lifting up an arm to rub at his eyes, his elbow accidentally brushes against Jaehyun’s shoulder.

“Mm.”

Taeyong glances at Jaehyun out of the corner of his eye, watching him stir and then wake, rolling over to smile sleepily at him. Jaehyun’s eyes are still half closed but he drapes a muscled arm over Taeyong’s front. “Morning,” he mutters.

“Morning.”

Jaehyun’s eyes close again but his voice sounds more awake, now. “When did you get back last night?” He pulls Taeyong a little bit closer so that he can rest his forehead against the shorter boy’s shoulder.

“After midnight.”

“Tch.” Jaehyun huffs out a weak breath that tickles Taeyong’s arm. “I know. I waited up until then.”

“Sorry.” And truly, Taeyong is a little bit sorry. He doesn’t normally run out like that--especially premised on a lie--but he just needed some space after last night’s massive let down.

“Study group went that long, huh?” Jaehyun complains half-heartedly. Maybe he doesn’t fully believe it.

Taeyong licks his lips, staring up at the ceiling. “Yup,” he lies. “Sorry.”

“When’s the test again?”

“Uh, today.” Feeling uncomfortable, Taeyong rolls out of the embrace and pushes himself up onto an elbow. “When’s your first class?”

“Eleven.”

Grabbing his phone from where it charges beside the bed, Taeyong announces, “It’s 9:30.” But when the screen illuminates, he sees something else of note: a chat notification from **jax669**.

 

**“Did you get some dick in those slutty holes or were you up all night?”  9:24am**

****

Taeyong’s eyes dart over at Jaehyun, momentarily panicked that he might be looking over his shoulder at the screen. But…no. Jaehyun is still lying down on his own pillow looking sleepy and contemplative. Relieved, Taeyong swipes the notification away and goes into his settings to turn off chat alerts for the BDSMchat app. He thought he had already shut it off. _What the hell…?_

“You wanna eat breakfast together before I go?”

“Hmm?” Taeyong looks up from his phone, caught off guard. Jaehyun is gazing up at him, his expression open and serious.

“Let’s eat, yeah? We should talk about last night.”

Taeyong groans inwardly and slips off of the edge of the bed, rising to his feet. He doesn’t really want to talk any more. He’s so sick of talking about what he wants and never, ever really getting it. But Jaehyun is squeezing his arm encouragingly and getting up as well. He can’t really refuse to communicate, can he? That’s not how relationships work. So they both get up and get dressed. They make their way downstairs and Taeyong gets the bathroom first.

“You want eggs or waffles?” Jaehyun asks through the bathroom door.

“Eggs.” Taeyong chirps back. Then he settles on the toilet and pulls out his phone again.

While it was disturbing that the chat notification had appeared on his lockscreen like that, the actual content of the message made Taeyong’s guts feel tight and squirmy in the best way. Now, away from the possibility of Jaehyun accidentally seeing the harmless chat, Taeyong swipes through his applications until he finds the red and black square hidden at the end of his miscellaneous section: BDSMchat.

He had downloaded it years ago--way before he and Jaehyun started dating. It’s an anonymous chat site for people with the more hardcore interests to discuss their fantasies, get new ideas, share photos and videos, and--yes--lots of sexting. Although Taeyong hasn’t been participating in the latter very much since things with Jaehyun became serious.

The app cycles through users on a regular basis. New pseudonyms appear and vanish everyday, but having been a lurker for so many years, Taeyong knows who the real kinksters are--or at least, he knows their usernames.

And one of the most notorious of all is **jax669**.

In fact, one of the very first people to ever send him a message was **jax669**. It was almost five years ago. Taeyong was not even 16 years old yet. He had just made his BDSMchat profile after watching a bit too much hardcore porn and whacking off half a dozen times in his childhood bedroom. But somehow he still wasn’t satisfied. So he found the app among a slew of other sex related applications in the sketchy part of the app store and made his profile.

 

 **skinnytee95** : masochist, submissive, rope bunny, twink

“Try it. I can take it.”  

 

Then he uploaded a picture of himself from the lips down, shirtless and snuggled up in bed.

Not two minutes later, twenty or so chat requests came pouring in and the sense of self-worth that young Taeyong felt at being sought after in such an arena was incomparable. Among the requests: **jax669**.

It read, **“Come sit your skinny ass down on this. Bet you can’t take it. Bitch.”**  and was shortly followed by a picture of a large, veiny cock.

 

At first, Taeyong was scandalized. He didn’t reply, but he didn’t delete it either. He spent the first few months on the app mostly lurking but occasionally replying to amorous requests whenever he felt particularly overwhelmed with his unfulfilled desires.

And every once and awhile, **jax669**  would send him a new message--always as rough and demeaning as the first. And every time, it became a little less shocking and a little more exciting, until one day just before he and Jaehyun decided to shack up together, Taeyong finally decided to reply.

And ever since then, when Taeyong is chomping at the bit, aching with strange and dark desires that he is beginning to doubt will _ever_  actually happen, he goes back into the chat and sends something random to **jax669**.

Last night, after storming out, Taeyong logged on for the first time in over 6 months. His profile was still there just as he had left it along with over a hundred expired chat requests from other users. Everyone wanted to fuck him or abuse him on here. Everyone!

In Taeyong’s own mind, it was starting to feel like his boyfriend was the only person in the world who didn’t.

 

**“Miss me?”  skinnytee95  8:17pm**

 

That’s what he sent to ****jax669****  when he was sulking at a cafe downtown, pretending to be in study group. He waited for a reply for over two hours, randomly chatting with other users in the meantime, although none of them had the same intensity as his conversations with **jax669**  did. And then finally, after ten, the little red notification dot appeared over the chat that Taeyong was really interested in.

 

**“I thought you went off and killed yourself--you pathetic, dick deprived whore.”  jax669  10:34pm**

 

Taeyong’s stomach tightened up at the cruel words but he smirked at the screen and ran with the conversation instead of shying away. He ordered another matcha latte, sat in the booth by himself, and bantered obscenely with this mystery dom for the next two hours--telling him how much he wished for a real sadist to fuck him up, unlike his fluffy, vanilla partner.

 

**“Leave him then. Sluts like you can’t do nice guys.”  jax669   11:05pm**

****

The sentiment is still tickling at his mind, like a wicked echo. _Maybe I should break things off with Jaehyun,_ Taeyong thinks. He sends **jax669**  some reply to this morning’s text and then flushes the toilet. He doesn’t want to leave his boyfriend--they’ve been friends forever and as a boyfriend, Jaehyun is incredibly caring and lovely. He’s gorgeous, he’s smart, he’s sociable…He’s only lacking in this one area.

But to Taeyong, it feels like the most important thing in the world.

 

As soon as he comes out of the bathroom, he hears the tell tale sizzle of eggs frying in a buttery pan. Jaehyun is standing over the stove. He looks at Taeyong with a weak smile when the boy enters the kitchen space.

“Two or three?”

“Two’s good,” Taeyong says, going to sit at the counter. Then he adds, “Thanks, Jae.”

Before long, they are sitting side by side at the counter with plates of eggs and mugs full of coffee. Jaehyun eats a few bites before he begins. “Look, about last night--” He sighs and rubs his eyebrow, struggling to articulate this time-trodden topic once again. “You know I’m trying, right?”

“Yeah.” Taeyong knows that Jaehyun is _trying_ , but sometimes trying just isn't enough. 

“And I’m never going to stop trying to do it right for you. It’s just…going to take time, you know?”

Time? How much time? Because two years have already passed and although there have been lots of improvements, they’re still no where near the level that Taeyong is chasing. “I know,” he says slowly, hesitantly, “but it’s frustrating for me to keep getting let down.”

Jaehyun’s face falls just a little bit more. He frowns at his eggs, saying, “I know. But can’t you try to find some satisfaction in what we’re doing in the meantime? It’s not like we never have sex. We have sex like every other day and you always cum--”

“It’s not the same, though. Not for me,” Taeyong says decidedly. For some reason, Jaehyun never seems to get that. Just because he has an orgasm doesn’t mean that it was great sex. _Not everyone is as sexually simple you,_ he thinks, a hint of bitterness creeping into his mind.

 

_Bzzz._

 

“Well…” Jaehyun frets. He is clearly saddened by the whole thing--as always--and he seems like he’s taking Taeyong’s frustrations seriously. But Taeyong has learned over time that Jaehyun’s earnestness does not translate into the actions that he’s hoping for. “Can we try again tonight?” Jaehyun asks, reaching out to wrap his hand around Taeyong’s wrist. He waits in silence until the smaller boy finally meets his gaze. “Let’s try again tonight. We can go out on a date and then I’ll take care of you, alright?”

Taeyong nibbles on his bottom lip but says nothing. It won’t be any different tonight than all the other times. He has to stop trying to convince himself that it’s going to change. He either needs to accept what he has and be grateful for Jaehyun’s companionship or he needs to move on, as awful as that thought feels.

“Come on,” Jaehyun urges him, thumb rubbing over Taeyong’s pulse point. “Let’s just try again. I’m still not gonna punch you in the face--okay?--but I’ll be really rough like you like it. Let’s just make sure that you can hide your bruises.” Jaehyun leans closer and closer until his lips are hovering just a hair away from Taeyong’s.

 _Shit, fine,_  Taeyong thinks _ _.__ How can he say no when Jaehyun is being so sweet and sexy? _Let’s try this again._ He puckers his lips to fill the space between them and let’s Jaehyun kiss him, sweet and shallow at first but then getting more passionate as the taller boy places a large hand on the back of Taeyong’s head and pulls him closer.

When he pulls back, Taeyong feels a tiny bit better about things, although not enough to stop him from checking his phone when Jaehyun rises to clear their plates away and get ready for class. He swore he felt the phone buzz in his pocket but there’s no on-screen notification this time. _Good._

He opens the BDSMchat just to see what he said. Sure enough, it’s **jax669**  again. Taeyong waits until Jaehyun is busy with the dishes in the sink before reading it.

 

**“Poor baby. I’m getting hard in class just thinking about your sad little neglected ass. Come suck me off under the desk.”   jax669   9:49am**

****

The idea of it sends a pang straight to Taeyong’s cock, but what’s even more exciting is the picture that appears a moment later: The obvious outline of a large boner through black sweatpants under a lecture hall desk. Not just any lecture hall desk, either. A painfully familiar 80’s carpet is underneath the subject’s sneakered feet.

Taeyong’s mouth goes dry all at once. He knows this room. It’s in Porter Hall at the same campus where he and Jaehyun attend university.

 


	4. Chapter 4

_“Oh my god! Your wrists are so skinny~!” the boy cried, wrapping his own hand around the bony lumps of Taeyong’s thin wrist. He jiggled Taeyong’s arm playfully and laughed. “I feel like I could snap you in half.”_

_Taeyong laughed along and then pulled his wrist away._

_The other kids were always heckling him like that--saying things like “I don’t want to break you” when giving him a hug or commenting on how incredibly delicate and feminine his hands were. “Like a porcelain doll,” they said. “Eat more! You look like the wind could knock you down.”_

_It wasn’t his fault that he was so thin. He had always been that way; that’s just how he was built. Every few years he would get tired of being treated like a precious glass statue and try to build muscle mass in the gym, but it was a slow and difficult road. Other guys could bulk up in a month while Teayong fell further and further behind, struggling to gain even ten pounds._

_As far as he was concerned, his stature was no measure of his masculinity or his toughness. For some reason, though, everyone else seemed to think so, and that bothered him more and more over time--like drops in a bucket._

_Everywhere he looked in the media, he saw filled-out individuals. The athletes, the actors, the hunks, the tough guys…everyone. Until one day at 14 he discovered BDSM. He started seeing tags like “submissive,” “bottom,” “masochist,” “pain slut,” etc. And the people that these tags described--the people that he saw in these videos--well, they weren’t all big and imposing men. A lot of them were small like him._

_And they were tough as nails._

_Nobody poked fun at them for being skinny. They didn’t have to deal with the backhanded insult of being treated like something breakable. The encounters he saw in those videos were visceral and violent in all the ways that excited him and scared him at the same time._

_He had dabbled in watching porn before, but it always seemed fake to him. The exaggerated moaning and throws of pleasure were over-dramatic and charmless--the romance forced to the point of repulsing Taeyong. But the pain that he saw on the faces and in the recoiling of the bodies of those subs--that seemed real. And the welts and bruises that were left on them were real, too._

_Those marks were real, physical evidence that they didn’t just snap in half._

_And Taeyong would be damned if he couldn’t take it, too._

__

* * *

__

_Yup, this is definitely the same carpet,_ Taeyong confirms. He had made the brief walk from Chapel Commons to Porter Hall after his PolySci class to double check his theory. **jax669** had most definitely been in this very room earlier that day--or else he stole the photo from someone else--and the thought of that has Taeyong feeling somewhat nauseous.

What if they have crossed paths before? It isn’t a huge campus so there is a high probability that the two of them have seen each other in passing and not even realized it.

For a few moments, Taeyong sits frozen in thought, but after awhile he snaps out of it and the nausea begins to subside into nervous butterflies. He unlocks his phone and takes a picture of his own legs in the exact same position as **jax669**  did that morning.

 _Yeah, that’s exactly the same._  Taeyong shakes his head at himself and goes into BDSMchat. It’s just too crazy! What are the odds that they would be not only in the same country, but the same city and the same university?! He uploads the image and hits send before he can change his own mind. Then he puts the phone away. 

 

It has been a long day of classes and by now, around 7pm, Taeyong is more than ready to meet up with Jaehyun for their planned activities.

Ever since they started living together, the relationship has been different. Not worse different, just…different. Sometimes boring different because they spend much more time simply _being_ together rather than doing things together. Not that that can’t be nice too--and most of the time it is!--but Taeyong gets bored easily and lately the relationship has been lacking that feeling of uncertainty that he enjoys.

Maybe they moved in together too fast. They’re only 20 years old and they’ve only been dating for 2 years, but it seemed like the right move at the time, especially since they’d known each other so much longer than that. And financially it made sense to dorm together while attending the same school.

Still, part of Taeyong wonders if it was a mistake.

 _Ehhh, stop dwelling on it for five seconds, will you?_  he chides himself. Putting those wistful thoughts behind him, he rises from the abandoned lecture hall chair and heads out, trying to look forward to yet another attempt. One thing he knows for certain--whether the sex ends up satisfying or not--is that Jaehyun will genuinely try to please him. _He really is the nicest guy._

Unfortunately that sentiment does nothing for Taeyong’s libido.

 

_Bzzz._

 

There are almost no students in the halls right now, so Taeyong feels comfortable opening the chat to read as he walks back to the bus stop.

 

**“No fucking way. You go to Scottsville U?”   jax669   7:12pm**

**“Yeah. Can you believe that?”  skinnytee95   7:12pm**

****

He pockets the phone after replying but as soon the slim rectangle touches Taeyong’s thigh, it starts vibrating. _Already?_ His heart leaps in his chest as the vibrations continue, more like a call than a text. **jax669**  has never tried to voice or video call him before! He pulls it back out, feeling a little shaky.

Instead, the screen reads: **Jae the Bae** , with a picture of Jaehyun’s big smile beaming back at him. Taeyong breathes out a shaky sigh and answers the call.

“Hey, what’s up?”  

“Heyyyy Tae, it’s me.” Taeyong can hear the regretful quality in Jaehyun’s voice from the very first syllable. “Are you on the bus?”

“No. I’m walking to the bus stop now. What’s up?”

Jaehyun’s sigh sounds staticy and garbled through the phone. It must be a bad connection. “I’m really sorry, I totally forgot about this but my mom called and I gotta go home for the weekend. My little sister’s play is tomorrow and I promised my mom I was gonna come up and surprise her like months ago. I totally forgot. I’m an asshole, I’m sorry.”

 

_Bzzz._

 

Half of Taeyong is sinking with that let down feeling that he’s grown so accustomed to but the other half is distracted, wondering what **jax669**  just said.

"Teayong?" 

“That’s okay,” he mutters, coming back to the conversation. “You’re leaving tonight?”

“Yeah,” Jaehyun groans. “I’m gonna get the 8:30 bus back. Get home around 1.” He pauses for a few moments to give Taeyong time to say something, but he doesn’t so Jaehyun goes on apologetically. “I feel really bad because I know I said we were gonna have a date night tonight.”

“It’s fine.”

“Do you want to come up with me?” Jaehyun suggests hopefully. “I can grab you a ticket and you just meet me here.”

“Nahh,” Taeyong says, shaking his head at his shoes. He has stalled in the foyer of Porter Hall, not ready to walk outside just yet. The last thing he wants to do when he’s deep in one of these moods is go stay with his parents. “That’s okay,” he adds. “You’ll be back Sunday?”

“Yup. Sunday night probably. I didn’t buy the return ticket yet.” Jaehyun sounds so sorry about this that Taeyong feels it in his own chest.

“Hey it’s fine,” he lies just to get that tone out of Jaehyun’s voice. “I have a big thing due Monday so this gives me lots of time to get it done.”

“Still…I feel bad. I’m really sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it. You owe me when you get back,” Taeyong tells him, forcing a little smile.

“Okay,” Jaehyun consents through a sigh. After a moment, he asks, “How’d your exam go?”

 _Exam?_ Taeyong almost forgets to lie for a second. He has to catch himself. “Oh--good. Yeah the study group helped.”

“Good, good. Alright, well…" Jaehyun trails off, left with nothing of consequence to say now that he's delivered his bad news. "I’ll see you Sunday.”

“M’kay.”

“I’ll text you.”

“Alright. Say hi to your family.”

“I will,” Jaehyun says, and at last, Taeyong hears a little bit of relief start to take over his apologetic tone of voice. He’s about to hang up but then his boyfriend adds, “Love you, Tae.”

“Love you, too,” Taeyong says right back without a beat. “See ya later.”

“Alright bye, babe.”

They hang up and Taeyong sighs, scuffing the toe of his shoe over a skid mark on the foyer tiles. Of course it didn’t work out again tonight. He basically expected as much. Somewhere deep, deep inside he feels very let down but this time he won’t let it rise to the surface. There’s really no point. He simply goes into the BDSMchat instead. The message from **jax669** is waiting for him. 

 

**“Small world, huh? What a lucky ho you are.”  jax669  7:14pm**

****

It does seem lucky in a way--or…fated? Maybe?--Taeyong chews on his thumb nail, feeling that twist of nervousness in his guts again. He can’t stop wondering whether or not he’s met this person before. Maybe they had a class together.

 

**“I kind of want to meet you now, tbh”   skinnytee95  7:20pm**

****

He doesn't seriously mean that. It’s just words. He wants to see what this mystery man will reply. Would he want to meet Taeyong, too? He expects some kind of sarcastic reply, but what he gets almost at once is far more shocking.

 

**“Prove it. Go jerk off in the nearest toilet and send me the video.”    jax669  7:21pm**

****

Taeyong’s mouth falls open, his bitten thumb nail hovering just above his bottom lip. _What?_ This guy is like a bottomless pool of shocks and uncertainty. That’s….gross and random and…somehow hot.

 

**“R u serious?”  skinnytee95  7:22pm**

 

**“Don’t fucking question me bitch. Do it. Think about me nailing your ass.”  jax669  7:23pm**

****

A moment later, another picture of the mystery cock illuminates Taeyong’s screen. Heat flames up into his cheeks at the sight of it. It’s exactly the same appendage as in the first raunchy picture that **jax669**  sent him 5 years ago. Big, thick, long, and hard as a rock.

He shouldn’t. This is…just really filthy and wrong.

 

But a minute later Taeyong finds himself hurrying to the bathroom instead of the bus stop. His dick is stiffening in his pants and all sense is rushing out of him at the idea of that cruel stranger’s cock pounding him good and hard. By the time he locks the stall door behind him, the inside of Taeyong’s jeans are already wet with precum.

He fumbles with his camera phone and his zipper at the same time, suddenly unable to wait another second. The haze of arousal comes on so strong and so thick that he barely remembers to check that the camera is pointed at his dick and not his face before he clicks record.

“Ahh…oh _fuck_ \--”

Holding the phone with one hand, he wraps his other fist around the erection starts pumping it immediately. He’s so hard-- _so hard_ right now--imagining it--how _fucking_  good it would feel! His mouth hangs open, breath huffing in and out of him in clipped gasps as he quickly brings himself to orgasm.

“Ohhhh god…” he moans as the thick white fluid drains out of his slit and into the toilet water below. His fist softens on the sensitive flesh but he gives himself a few more pulls, wringing out every bit of pleasure from his own body until he’s whimpering from over stimulation. And then he yanks his hand away like he was touching a hot iron.

_Holy hell._

He hasn’t cum that hard in ages. Or that fast.  

His clean thumb taps the circle at the bottom of his screen, ending the recording, and before he can think twice about it, he sends the video to **jax669**.

_Oh shit…oh fuck me…_

It's just his hand and his dick. Nothing that anyone could recognize him by, Taeyong thinks. He turns around and collapses on the toilet seat. His legs are suddenly too weary to stand. He breathes deeply, trying to catch his breath as his head dangles forward over his knees. When he opens his eyes again, he sees his own spunk floating around like ghosts in the toilet bowl.

He would feel repulsed at the sight, but before he has time to really think about that, the phone starts buzzing again.

 

**“Omg u gross little slut…”  jax669  7:31pm**

**“Look at that tiny dick LOL”  jax669  7:31pm**

**“Ok whore, I’m interested. Meet me at 73 Brandiel Ave tomorrow night. 9pm. Dinner.”  jax669  7:32pm**


	5. Chapter 5

He definitely shouldn’t go--he knows that.

Unfortunately Saturday is a long and boring day at home without Jaehyun or any major school projects to distract him from that insatiable itch.

Taeyong sleeps in as late as he possibly can, ignoring three different cases of morning wood--all of which were instigated by whispers in the back of his waking mind that someone out there, someone in this town, is hoping to have him in a very dark and primal way . But he exercises self-control and goes back to sleep several times until at last, around noon, he finds himself wide awake and unable to retreat back into the safety of slumber.

He decides to text Jaehyun. Grabbing his phone from the stand beside his bed, he finds several notifications from his boyfriend already waiting for him.

 

**Jae the Bae <3   1:17am   “Just got here. The bus made like 6 extra stops ugh.”**

**Jae the Bae <3   1:45am   “Sleeping? Lol night babe, I’ll text you tomorrow.”**

**Jae the Bae <3   9:34am   “Good morning sunshine ;P” **

 

A faint smile crosses Taeyong’s face at the last one. Jaehyun normally calls him ‘sunshine’ in the morning if he has a particularly ridiculous case of bedhead or morning breath. He musses up his hair and takes a selfie to send back as a reply.

 **12:08pm   “Finally awake.”**   He types and hits send.

He rolls up out of bed and trudges downstairs to make some coffee, choosing to ignore the faint outline of yet another semi in his sweatpants. _For fucks sake…_  Noon feels very, very early all of a sudden.

He didn’t reply to **jax669’** s invitation after the incident in the bathroom. Getting the invite was already life changing enough and he didn’t know what to say so he simply left it on read. He hasn’t looked at the app since then either, but his fingers are itching to check it, now.

 

_Bzzz._

 

His heart leaps in his chest. Maybe **jax669**  is trying to confirm plans? He takes out his phone and sticks it on the counter next to his coffee cup.

Nope.

 

**Jae the Bae <3   12:14pm  “Cute.” **

 

And that’s how it goes all day: Taeyong trying to distract himself from the BDSMapp while carrying on a sporadic conversation with Jaehyun from afar. But every time his phone buzzes with a reply, he mostly wishes that it would be from **jax669** instead.

It’s just that he knows Jaehyun so well by now. He can almost predict everything that he will text beforehand. There’s no mystery or uncertainty or…or _excitement_ there. Not when Taeyong compares it to the constant shocks of **jax669** ’s messages, that is.

He watches half of a series on Netflix during the afternoon. He works out before eating a late lunch. He even studies for a class that has no upcoming tests--anything to keep him away from the app, because he knows that if he goes on it, he will definitely end up going to this dinner.

At around quarter to 7 when the phone buzzes in his back pocket, he takes a moment to guess exactly how Jaehyun would have responded to his last quip before taking a look, only this time it’s an app notification.

 _Oh geez…_  He can’t help himself. He has to look. Maybe it’s just a random chat request from some other user. Or maybe **jax669**  is pissed that he hasn’t responded and is rescinding the offer. That would take a lot off of Taeyong’s mind.

So he reads it.

 

**“Chickening out bitch?”  jax669  6:49pm**

 

A little flash of indignation puffs up Taeyong’s chest. He’s not a chicken, he’s just showing some goddamn self-control for once in his life--something that was completely lacking in the university bathroom last night, much to his embarrassment.

Although, the thought does occur to him that he may be missing out on a once in a life time opportunity here.

He stares at the open chat, mind working, trying to think of some response that sounds self-assured and not bitchy, when a new bubble appears below the first.

 

**“I’ll see you in 2 hours.”  jax669  6:52pm**

 

* * *

 

_“Tell me.”_

_“No,” Taeyong giggled. “No way.”_

_In retrospect, it was a delicate time. They would start dating only a week and a half later and things would begin to change, but for this moment, they were still just two boys who secretly had the hots for each other._

_“Taeyong, you tell me right now or I swear to god--”_

_“What?” Taeyong laughed, a challenge in his voice even though he was smiling. “What are you gonna do?”_

_Jaehyun lowered his brows in a charade of anger. “I’ can make you talk. You know I can.”_

_“Oh yeah? And how are you planning on doing that? Hug me to death?”_

_Jaehyun released Taeyong at once and pointed a threatening finger in between his eyes. “Watch yourself, son. You’re asking for it.”_

_Taeyong gazed lustily past Jaehyun’s finger, gobbling up his faux frightening expression. He had never been so turned on by his friend before, even if this was just play. “Torture?” he asked, barely able to contain the arousal that was spreading over his face, into his voice, into his crotch--everywhere._

_Jaehyun nodded ever so slightly, never breaking the serious eye-contact._

_Taeyong sat up a little straighter, meeting the playful threat head on. “Give me your worst. I’ll never tell.”_

_When Jaehyun raised a hand and grabbed Taeyong’s jaw, Taeyong’s dick sprang fully to life. He was so hot that--in that brief moment--he didn’t even care if he blew his cover. “I will break you,” Jaehyun said flatly._

_Fuck--he could barely breathe but he didn’t let it show. His eyes gleamed rebelliously, glaring back at his friend from only a few inches away._

_“Try me.”_

__

* * *

 

At 8:54pm Taeyong gets off the bus at the unfamiliar stop near Brandiel Ave.

If this was a date, he wouldn’t be here. That’s what he told himself while he dressed and readied to head over. He didn’t dress up because it wasn’t a date. He threw on a pair of old jeans and a plain tee with a jogger coat.

During the bus ride, Taeyong’s stomach worked itself up into a thousand knots but he kept his breathing even and worked through it. _Nothing to be worried about,_ he reminded himself as the bus ventured into further parts of town than he had ever been. _It’s not a date or anything._ Besides, he couldn’t stay away no matter how hard he tried. Not after **jax669**  had the smarts to both mock him and order him to come at the same time. This guy could play him like a fiddle.

But now, standing in front of an unfamiliar house in a surprisingly affluent part of the city, Taeyong is so twisted up inside that he isn’t sure if he can make his legs bring him to the door.

 _What are you so scared of?_  His inner sadist mocks him. Over time, lacking input from an outside dominant force, Taeyong had picked up the habit of heckling himself. _I thought you were supposed to be some kind of tough cookie? Why are you shaking in your boots over a little dinner? Pathetic._

He straightens his shoulders, takes control of himself, and goes to the front door. With one last shaky exhale to expel the nerves, he raises a fist and knocks.

 

\--footsteps approaching from behind the door--

\--a hand on the doorknob--

 

When the heavy wooden door is pulled open, Taeyong blinks in surprise. The man on the other side is nothing like he expected. At first glance, he is tall, pale, and well-dressed. ‘Wealthy’ comes to mind instantly, but there isn’t much time to examine him before he speaks.

“Come in,” the man says, waving a dismissive hand at Taeyong and simply walking away into the house, the door left open behind him.

As if in a trance, Taeyong follows behind him. He comes into a foyer with a high ceiling. The molding looks old but well furbished, like the house had been maintained for decades. He cranes his neck back to try and take it all in--so many details--

“Close the door.”

Startled and embarrassed to have been caught staring, Taeyong hurries to shut the door behind himself before sheepishly facing the man again.

“Moron,” the man mutters. He seems to take Taeyong in with one sweep of the eyes.

“Um…” Taeyong licks his lips nervously, feeling small in front of this individual. He’s at least a head taller than Taeyong and he must have about 40 pounds on him. But that’s not the unnerving bit. His eyes are so shrewd and so calculating. Taeyong feels like a bug under his gaze. Or worse--a peasant. This place is way above the level of income that his parents or any of his friend’s parents could boast growing up, and yet, the man in front of him can’t be more than 5 or 10 years older than him. Maybe he should have dressed up a little bit more after all. He suddenly feels like a bum. “Hi. You’re…jax669?” Taeyong asks. It feels incredibly strange to say the username out loud but he realizes that he doesn’t even know this man’s name.

“In the flesh,” he returns. “Take your shoes off.”

Taeyong obeys at once, bending at the waist to remove his shoes. Normally, in the ‘no-shoes past the foyer’ households, there are lines of shoes near the door, but there are no other pairs to be seen. He looks around for a moment before the man says,

“Just leave them there. That’s fine.”

He places them together in a neat pair and straightens up, trying to look more confident than he feels. Across from him, the man just gazes at him with no obvious emotion on his face. Yeah, he’s definitely older than Taeyong.

“Alright, come on in,” he says suddenly, beginning to walk away again. Taeyong follows a few paces behind and is led out of the foyer and further into the house. They come into a living room the size of Taeyong and Jaehyun’s entire apartment, height and all.

_Holy shit._

“Wow. Are you a student at Scottsville, or…?” Just based on initial impression, Taeyong can’t possibly imagine that this guy is an undergraduate like he is. Perhaps a grad student or even a PhD candidate? A professor?

“Yup,” the man says, offering no further explanation. He drops down onto a long, brown leather couch in the center of the room where a glass of some brown alcohol is already waiting on the end table. He flicks a hand at the matching love seat across from the couch, indicating for Taeyong to sit.

He does.

“How old are you?” he asks Taeyong, taking a swig of his drink while Taeyong tries to settle on the chair in such a way that he at least _appears_  to be comfortable and relaxed.

“Twenty one,” he lies. Because in his head, twenty makes him seem like a child and twenty one is somehow better.

“Mm. Would you like a drink?”

“Sure, thank you,” Taeyong says without pausing to think about it. Why is he so freaking nervous? He hopes that a drink will help him chill the fuck out and enjoy this dinner.

He expected the man to get up and retrieve a beverage for him, but instead he simply leans forward in his seat, reaching across the space between them to offer Taeyong his own glass. Taeyong blinks in surprise, hesitating a moment, but then he reaches out and delicately takes the glass, drawing it up to his mouth.

It burns all the way down.

“So,” the man starts, ignoring Taeyong’s mild grimace, “I’ll be honest, I’m surprised that you showed up. I thought you were going to get half way here and run away with your tail between your legs.” He narrows his eyes just a sliver, watching Taeyong with that same unnerving, measuring expression. “But I guess I was wrong. You are a real pain slut, aren’t you?”

Taeyong fears that he can’t respond in a strong voice while this man is staring at him like that, so he nods instead, hoping to maintain the illusion of unaffectedness.

“Mm. Good.”

The man looks away to adjust his wristwatch and Taeyong finds that he can speak again. “What…um, what should I call you? It feels weird using the stupid usernames.”

“Sir is fine,” the man says seriously.

Taeyong huffs out a nervous chuckle. “Okay, _sir_ ,” he says pointedly. “Well you can call me--”

“I’ll call you whatever the fuck I want. How about that?” It doesn’t sound like a question.

Taeyong furrows his brow, feeling slightly off put. “Um, okay,” he agrees halfheartedly, trying to smile. He looks at the man again, steeling his nerve to meet his imposing gaze evenly. He’s a handsome guy but there’s something very unsettling in his face.

 _You’re just being a nervous bitch right now,_  Taeyong’s inner critic complains. _This is a real, genuine sadist. Your dream come true._

He talks to calm himself because at the moment Taeyong is somewhere between extremely aroused and extremely unsettled, which--theoretically--should be the stuff of his fantasies. “What’s for dinner, _sir_?” At that, the man on the couch breaks into a smirk so wicked and sexy that Taeyong grows instantly hard, much to his own alarm.

“I think I’ll feed you my dick for dinner.”

Suddenly, Taeyong finds his lips unable to close all the way--stuck in an expression of lust and shock. How many times has he imagined Jaehyun saying the same thing? How many nights has he lied awake _wishing_  that Jaehyun would talk down to him like this?

“That’s your favorite meal, right, whore?”

Taeyong balks at his words, leaning back in his chair. It feels entirely different hearing those words in that tone in person than it is over text. But somehow, his cock twitches in his pants anyway--hidden from sight only by the restrictive material of his jeans.

No.

Stop. He came here for dinner, not--

“Uh…” he laughs nervous, raking a hand back through his hair. “Actually, I--”

“Come on,” the other interrupts harshly. “We both know what you’re here for so please don’t waste my time.” Taeyong looks at the man, an open, desperate look in his eyes. He _can’t_ say no to him. The man meets his gaze without even a hint of sympathy. Only lust. He tells him,

“Either get on your knees or get the fuck out.”

 

Taeyong sits frozen for a moment. His mind should be whirling--scrambling--but instead he’s just numb. Everything is numb except for the bottomless pool of arousal in between his thighs. He swallows hard and slides off of the love seat onto the floor.


	6. Chapter 6

_For as much as Taeyong is comfortable being called a slut and a whore, he has actually had what some might call ‘limited’ sexual experiences in his 20 years. In fact the only person he’s ever had penetrative sex with is Jaehyun._

_It happened for the first time on the same day that they decided they had to be more than friends. They were meant to be together._

_“Fuck--oh my god, Jae--come on, I want it,” Taeyong urged him. Jaehyun was taking so long with the foreplay and preparation that Taeyong was starting to think he wouldn’t last much longer. And he desperately wanted more. With a daft swirl of his tongue, Jaehyun had Taeyong ready to beg. “Come on, Jae, fuck me already!” he moaned, his toes curling into the throw blanket._

_“Wait,” Jaehyun breathed against his groin, pressing another soft kiss into the flesh. His fingers curled sweetly in Taeyong’s ass, stretching him and then soothing the stretch with soft strokes in turn. “Be patient.”_

_“No, no--” Taeyong’s voice cut off in a whine. It felt so good. He didn’t want to cum before he could feel more! “Fuck meeee.”_

_“I will, don’t worry,” Jaehyun chuckled. Then he slowly--very slowly--sank his lips back down over Taeyong’s erection, engulfing him into the soft heat of his mouth millimeter by millimeter. Blissful torture._

__

* * *

 

Everything is happening way too fast, completely out of Taeyong’s control.

“That’s what I thought,” the man says from above. Taeyong’s eyes are wide, staring down at his own knees on the hard wood floor of this stranger’s living room. Is he really about to do this? “Look at me.”

Taeyong looks up at once and gets met with a sharp slap to the face.

“ _You_ \--are a whore and I’m going to treat you like one. Understand?”

Taeyong was caught off guard by the strike and he’s still mostly frozen, trying to catch up. He really thought this was just going to be a dinner. But the quick turn of events has no affect on his arousal and the words come out of his mouth automatically, “Yes, sir.”

“Mm. Good boy.” The man grips him by the jaw and turns his head back to face him squarely. “Show me your teeth.”

Taeyong’s brow crinkles in surprise. The order makes no sense to him but he does it anyway, spreading his lips in a vacant smile to reveal his teeth. The man looks them over in silence for a moment. Then he lets go of Taeyong’s face, remarking,

“You look clean enough. Take off your shirt.”

A sharp pang shoots through Taeyong’s chest. He shouldn’t be on his knees like this. He shouldn’t get naked. He’s going too far and he won’t be able to come back--he knows this. But it’s already out of his control. He grimaces at himself pulls his jacket off. Then he slides his shirt up off over his head in a jilted motion. When the fabric engulfs his face, a small part of him wishes that he could hide inside it and not come back out.

 

“Skinny little bitch,” the man says condescendingly once Taeyong’s shirt is discarded on the floor. He lifts a foot and runs his sock covered toe down Taeyong’s sternum. “Fucking pale, too. You’re going to bruise up nicely for me, won’t you boy?”

Taeyong swallows thickly. _Fuck._  “Yes, sir.”

“Good. Get up.” Taeyong flicks his eyes up at the man, meeting his gaze for a split second before obeying. There is no warmth in those eyes. Once he is standing at his full height, the man says, “Take the rest of your clothes off.”

He knows that he shouldn’t do it but he does it anyway because that gaze is like a dare and Taeyong needs to prove himself. It’s not even about the other man. Taeyong needs to prove it to _himself._  He has wanted this and fantasized about these things for so long, and now--as wrong and as ill advised as he knows this situation is--he has to prove to himself that he can take it.

 

And then just like that, Taeyong is standing in front of a stranger completely naked from head to toe.

 

“Mm. Already hard, I see.”

Taeyong attempts to look at the man but every time he makes eye contact he feels an overwhelming need to look away. His gaze falls back to his feet time and time again.

“Turn around.”

He takes tiny steps to turn in a circle for the man to see.

“What a cute little ass you have, whore,” he comments. For the first time he sounds a little bit friendly and almost amorous. But it quickly turns. “It’s going to be an absolute mess when I’m done with you.”

A tiny noise of fear creeps up in Taeyong’s chest, but he refuses to let it out. Instead, he slowly turns back around again and tries to cover his crotch with a casual motion of his hand. “Um...” he ventures. He’s scared to bring it up but he knows that he needs to and if this goes much further he might not get a chance. “Just so you know, my safe word is flamingo.”

“Okay,” the other says flatly. “Let’s go to the bedroom, then.”

Taeyong would rather not. For the first time, the thought of his unfaithfulness to Jaehyun seriously crosses his mind.Somehow the idea of going to the bedroom feels more like cheating in Taeyong’s mind that this, as ridiculous as that is. He opens his mouth to argue but the other man rises and the motion makes the words die in Taeyong’s mouth.

“Follow me. And don’t touch anything.”

Taeyong looks around as he follows the other man in hopes of distracting himself from the sick feeling that resurfaced in his body after he remembered Jaehyun. The house is a maze of rooms, each as large and grand as the first. He has never been in a house this nice, and the way that the other man looks at him truly makes him feel…poor? It’s a new feeling and the humiliating bite that it holds is not quite the same as the ‘humiliation’ tag that Taeyong had always imagined.

Eventually they get where they’re going: a medium sized bedroom toward the back of the house. Upon entering, Taeyong can see that aside from level of decor, this room is not unlike his own. There is a large bed on the far side of the room near a window with a heavy chest at the foot--probably where this man keeps all the toys. The bed frame is large and imposing. It must be made of cast iron, he thinks as he enters the room and the door shuts behind him.

The man turns to face him, saying, “Get on the bed, whore.”

Taeyong’s feet are frozen in their place on the floor all of a sudden. Get on the bed? He can’t. He shouldn’t. His dick twitches in midair and he has to shut his eyes as a fiery red blush paints his cheeks. _Oh god._

He hears a snap of fingers and forces himself to look up. The man is glaring at him impatiently.

He should have known better, he thinks. There was no way that this was ever going to be a dinner--not with the kind of conversations they have been having all this time.

“ _Now_ , bitch. Don’t make me tell you again. You’re already in for it.”

Taeyong finally releases the stagnant breath that had stalled in his chest and moves toward the bed, brain shutting down. It’s too late at this point. He’ll have to deal with the consequences later, but for now he’d better enjoy himself.

“I’m sorry, sir,” he says as he reaches the edge of the bed. “I’m just nervous.” He hates to admit it but he feels like he should be honest so that he doesn’t come across as disobedient instead.

Suddenly a large hand spreads over his bare back and shoves him down onto the mattress. “I don’t want to hear you. You just do what I tell you. Immediately.” Then a scathing slap cracks across Taeyong’s ass.

“Ah!” he yelps, surprised. The sting of it goes deep into the flesh of his bum and radiates in and out from the surface to the bone--or so it feels. His eyes widen, staring at the red, silk sheets below. _Was that just his hand?_ He didn’t know a simple spanking could hurt so bad. It was at least 20x more painful that any spanking Jaehyun has ever given him. 

Dripping with disdain, the man drones, “Don’t try to act cute. That did not hurt.” To make his point, he hits Taeyong in the exact same spot even harder before moving on to the other cheek and delivering two more blows of the same force. Taeyong bites his lip and buries his face in the sheets. “When I tell you to do something--” _smack!_  “you do it immediately.” _smack!_ “Understand me, slut?” _smack!_

“Yes, sir,” Taeyong grits out through a groan. How is this just a flesh on flesh spanking? He can already feel two large bruises forming beneath the surface of each cheek, making every subsequent blow exponentially more damaging.

The man slaps two more blows on each side before relenting. He drops both hands on Taeyong’s ass--now red and hot to the touch, even swelling slightly--and he squeezes. “Uhhhuh--” Taeyong has to stick his thumb bone in between his teeth to keep from crying out any more than that. Holy _shit_  it hurts so much already!

“Yeah,” the man chuckles low in his throat. He digs his fingers into the rapidly forming bruises and sighs contentedly, like he’s legitimately enjoying inflicting this pain.

Taeyong struggles to control his breathing and process the pain. His cock is still mostly hard and with the feeling of it rubbing against the smooth sheets, he knows that he can transmute the pain into pleasure if he can just get his breaths right. But it’s harder to relax with a stranger than he anticipated.

Before he can fully get there, the man grabs him by the back of the arms and drags him up, spinning Taeyong’s body around to sit on the edge of the bed. Then he grabs his cock with no warning whatsoever.

“OHhh--” Taeyong gasps. He stiffens up in shock as the man wraps a fist around his cock far too hard.

“Look at you--dripping on my sheets like a desperate cock slut--and all for what? A little spanking?” He presses his thumb down on the very top of the head, squishing Taeyong’s cock in his fist until the younger boy is practically writhing with the effort not to leap away or beg for mercy. “Do you want to cum already, you desperate little slut?”

“Ow--ohh--ah! N-no, sir. No, please, ahhhhh--”

“No?” the man echoes, not letting up on his squeeze even a little bit. “What do you want then? You want me to fuck you?”

“Y-yes! Yes,” Taeyong stammers, mostly unaware of what he’s saying. He just wants him to stop crushing his erection. “Please, sir--ahhh!”

“You’re no where near ready for that,” the man snaps. But he releases Taeyong’s cock and that’s all that matters. The younger boy doubles over to protect himself while he recovers, huffing through the lingering pain as he tries desperately to catch up. The pain is coming too fast and too hard. He doesn’t have enough time to process any of it.

A fist in his hair is next. It yanks Taeyong’s head up and back so fast that he gasps, stunned. “Look at me.”

Taeyong hadn’t even realized that his eyes were closed. He opens them at the exact moment that a vicious backhand lands on his cheekbone. The force of the strike wants to smack his face to the side, but the hand in his hair keeps him exactly where he is--only serving to increase the pain that stabs into his cheek.

“Look at me, boy.”

 _God, fuck!_ He had closed his eyes again without realizing it, just by reflex. Taeyong’s eyelids flutter open to reveal the shameful glint of reflexive tears. The other man jiggles his head around with the fist in his hair and bends to speak near his face,

“You know, for a supposed sub you are shit at following directions. And for a pain slut, you are pretty fucking soft.”

Taeyong’s heart sinks as those words soak in. He stares up at him apologetically, but the man just spits in his face.

“Hopefully you can at least suck a dick. Otherwise I’m going to have to beat the shit out of you for leading me on.”

Taeyong is only half listening at this point. He’s stunned at the feeling of a glob of spit sliding lazily down the side of his nose and under his eye. The breath that he was trying to hard to control is fluttering weakly inside of his throat. If his face wasn’t already red from the blows, it would be quite a sight to see the red glow of humiliation wash over him fully for the first time in his life.

Uncaring, the other man releases Taeyong’s head and reaches for his cock again, instead. Taeyong flinches in fear, expecting another wicked squeeze, but this time the pressure is just right and Taeyong finds himself melting into the touch within seconds. Anything to help him process all of the pain and humiliation that is burning up inside of him at this point.

The man’s large hand slides up and down Taeyong’s much smaller cock with dexterity. He runs his palm over the head and then down the shaft, spreading the slick precum to lubricate as he goes. Before long, Taeyong is nearly shuddering in pleasure.

“That feels good, doesn’t it?” he prompts him.

“Ahh--yes, sir. Thank you, sir,” Taeyong gasps. This respite is a gift from heaven. His cheek and his ass are still stinging from the prior abuse but at least now he has had time to work through that and start feeling some real pleasure instead. In fact, it’s starting to feel so good that Taeyong’s hips begin jerking forward in tiny, unconscious motions.

He doesn’t notice it, but the other man does.

He let’s go and smacks Taeyong in the side of the head with his other hand. “Show some self-control,” he snarls. Taeyong had raised a defensive hand as if to fend off the blow, but he stopped midway. Now he decides to wipe the spit from his face instead. The man is having none of that. “Did I tell you to do that?” he demands, grabbing Taeyong’s wrist and shoving it back down near his thigh.

“Sorry--” he tries, but the man cuts him off again.

“You are far too proud for a whore,” he hisses, leaning in close to spit on Taeyong’s face for the second time. “--have to teach you a lesson--”

Taeyong grimaces at the added wetness. It take a lot of self restraint for him to keep his hands resting limply on the mattress rather than making a move to get rid of it. Apparently, the internal struggle translates into a grimace because the man snaps,

“Don’t you dare look at me like that!” He shoves a finger in Taeyong’s face, brows lowering as he demands, “Do you have a problem, slut?”

“No, sir,” Taeyong says at once. He works hard to push his indignation and disgust down to resume an unaffected expression. Why can’t the man just go back to touching him? It felt so good--feeling his hands on his cock--he was nearly there!

“No?”

Inhale. Exhale. Taeyong’s face stills into a calm look. He raises his eyes to meet the man’s harsh gaze. “No, sir. I’m sorry.”

“What did I say about sorry? Open your goddamn mouth.” Taeyong holds back a preemptive wince and does as he’s told, opening his jaws wide and resting the tip of his tongue on his bottom lip.

The man grabs him by the chin and spits directly into his mouth.

“Swallow,” he barks, stepping back to watch with folded arms. Taeyong fights the urge to grimace again as he closes his lips and swallows the frothy blob.

As disgusting as that was, Taeyong is pleased to see that it seems to have pacified the other man’s anger--at least for now. Standing above him, the man is undoing his belt and pulling it through the loops. He drapes the leather belt over the edge of the bed near Taeyong’s thigh and then undoes his fly.

“Get back on your knees, slut. Time for dinner.”


	7. Chapter 7

_“Oooh yeah, that feels really good, babe.”_

_Jaehyun was always excellent at giving Taeyong positive feedback--especially when they were both young and very inexperienced. The first blow job Taeyong ever gave that could be considered really ‘successful’ was with him and it was all thanks to Jaehyun’s clear communication._

_“Yeah, just like that. That feels good.” He sighed in pleasure, his hand rubbing lovingly over the back of Taeyong’s hair. “And use your tongue a little more. Kind of flat and up the bottom side, like---” His breath hitched as Taeyong followed the direction perfectly. “Ahhhhh~ Oh yeah…feels so good, Tae.”_

__

* * *

__

“Haven’t you ever sucked someone off before?” the man mocks Taeyong. He’s jamming the head of his cock down the boy’s throat with no kindness or care. His girth is more than Taeyong bargained for as well. It’s stretching his lips into an obscenely wide O shape and it’s painful. Every time the man snaps his hips forward, the corners of Taeyong’s lips tear ever so slightly. “Use your fucking tongue.”

That’s what Taeyong is trying to do! But his tongue is smashed against the bottom of his mouth by the sheer size and weight of the cock inside him. It seemed manageable in the pictures but in real life Taeyong is having trouble handling it, much to his embarrassment.

The man seems to be enjoying himself despite despite his outward frustrations. Every time Taeyong gags or whines from the pain of his splitting lips, a mean little smile ghosts over his face. Every time he jabs his cock inside deep enough to make reflexive tears fall from Taeyong’s eyes, he gives a clipped moan.

“You’re terrible at this. Are you a virgin?”

He’s not, but Taeyong can’t possibly answer with a dick halfway down his throat.

“Open your throat.” That’s the only warning Taeyong gets before the man grabs him by the back of the head and truly forces the remaining inch or two of his length into the boy’s esophagus--cutting off his airflow entirely. Frightened, Taeyong paws at the man’s pant leg

For as much as he enjoys rough sex, Taeyong hates throwing up. Even being nauseous will ruin his entire day. Jaehyun knows this and even though he easily could, he has never made Taeyong gag on his cock.  

Taeyong is becoming frantic at the lack of oxygen. He grabs the man’s pants with his other hand now too, floundering and desperate. With a low laugh, the man slowly pulls out, scraping the fat head of his cock over Taeyong’s tonsils as he goes, and Taeyong gags _hard-_ -his teeth accidentally grazing the side of the man’s shaft as he pulls out the rest of the way.

“Ah! Goddamn you--fucking bitch!” The man grabs himself in alarm with one hand and uses the other to clock Taeyong in the face while he gags. His closed fist cracks against the boy’s bruised cheek bone and sends him tumbling over onto the floor.

 _Oh my god--_ The whole room tilts dangerously. Taeyong can barely get a hand on the floor to brace himself from a total collapse.

“I said _no teeth _,__ ” the other man hisses. It sounds so menacing that Taeyong practically curls up into the fetal position at his feet. “Get the fuck up.”

Taeyong is trembling all over--afraid and sick from the lingering gag feeling and the sudden pain of being punched--but he makes himself get up as quickly as he can.

“Lay down on the bed. Face down,” the man tells him, disgusted. “Put your head that way.” He points toward the headboard. Taeyong obeys and a minute later the man is grabbing his wrists and pulling them up toward the headboard above his head. The familiar scratch of rough rope meets Taeyong’s skin as the man binds his wrists together and then secures them to the iron bed frame. It’s done quickly and effectively. When Taeyong wriggles his fingers to test the binding, he finds that he is legitimately tied down.

A cloud of fear is building inside of his chest. He doesn’t know what to expect. He’s in pain and the frustrating boner that’s smashed between his pelvic bone and the mattress isn’t going away, but neither is the distracting uncertainty that keeps him stiff. He wishes that he could just _relax_  and enjoy the sensations!--but somehow…he can’t.

Hands are suddenly reaching around his head, stretching something around his face, saying, “Open your mouth.” He gives in half halfheartedly, only opening his mouth about an inch, but the man shoves something inside of his oral cavity anyway.

It’s a gag of some kind, although Taeyong can’t make sense of it until it’s nearly all the way inside. It’s long and semi-flexible, reaching further and further into his mouth! Taeyong’s eyes pop open, frightened as he realizes--

“There,” the man says smugly. He yanks on the straps--forcing the phallic head all the way into the back of Taeyong’s mouth--and then fastens the dildo gag securely at the back of his skull. “Try to learn a new skill.”

Taeyong whines in fear, hating the feeling of the long plastic gag. It is quite literally gagging him, and although it is not as thick as the man’s cock, it is still wide enough to make his jaws ache. His body wriggles defiantly and he works his tongue at the same time to try and push the thing out of the back of his mouth. Nothing changes. If anything, the positioning of the toy only becomes worse.

The man laughs at him from behind. “Stupid cunt,” he mutters, amused. At that, a cold chill settles over Taeyong’s body. He can’t to anything but stay still and take whatever comes next. “I told you--no teeth.”

 

_**Crack!** _

 

The sound of the belt snapping over Taeyong’s backside is louder than the initial pain, but a second later it blossoms into something truly agonizing. He whines at the feeling, his toes curling into the sheets. The belt is real leather, it’s thin, and the wielder is very skilled. Not to mention that Taeyong’s bum is already deeply bruised.

 

**_Crack!_ **

 

This time the belt lash licks across his mid-back and it _burns_. There is not much muscle or fat to protect Taeyong’s thin back, and the welt that raises almost immediately is vicious and red. The man beats three more lashes across Taeyong’s back body, each one somehow harder than the first, and on the fifth lash the boy nearly sobs from the pain.

“Nngggg ah ahhhh uh--” he garbles desperately around the long gag. Every time he makes a sound, the head of the dildo presses up against the back of his throat.

But the man doesn’t let up as Taeyong begins to cry. If anything, his blows become even harder and closer together as the boy breaks down. His arm moves quickly, sending the belt crashing down over Taeyong’s ass again and again until both of them have long since lost count.

 

“Quit crying and suck it, slut. You’re the most useless whore I’ve ever seen.”

Taeyong writhes in the sheets, desperate for a break--even just or thirty seconds! He rolls his hips from one side to the other to try and change the placement of the strikes, but all that accomplishes is spreading the damage onto his hip bones. It’s--it’s too much!--it’s way too much! This man is ruthless! A particularly vicious whip lash cuts across the rest of the welts and bruises and Taeyong _wails _.__  It comes out strangled, thanks to the dildo gag.

And when he tries to use his safe word, it is completely unintelligible even to his own ears.

 

“Ooooo yeah, how’s that feel, you dumb-- _fucking_ \--whore?” the man teases him. His rakes his fingers down the meat of Taeyong’s ass and watches the boy shudder and flinch like a live wire. “That’s more like it. Look.” He snags Taeyong’s head up by the back of the hair and wrenches his neck around as far as it can possibly go, forcing him to glance back at the damage.

Taeyong’s entire face is wet with tears and spit. His eyes are half-lidded in agony and the angle is awful, but still, he gets a good enough peek at his backside to know why he’s in so much pain. He sputters in horror at the sight of it:

His entire ass is discolored--purples and reds--a mess of welts and bruises and even a few spots of blood. The flesh is so raised from the abuse that his bum is almost misshapen at this point. It’s buzzing with unbearable pain and yet, at the same time, a frightening numbness is spreading over the damage.

“Very pretty, whore. You should be proud,” the man tells him, dripping with sarcasm. “Now you’re ready for me.”

 _Wait…what?_ Taeyong’s pain foggy brain genuinely can’t keep up anymore. Does he mean that he’s going to fuck him now? Now?! After he just beat his ass half way to hell? Taeyong is dealing with so much unprocessed pain at this point that he isn’t even hard anymore. The last thing he wants is to--

“Let’s see here…” Two large hands slap down on each of Taeyong’s beaten butt cheeks, spreading them apart to reveal his puckered opening. “Well I’ll be damned,” the man drawls, prodding at the rim with his middle finger. “You look pretty fucking tight for such as disgusting whore.” Taeyong whimpers as the man forces the tip of his finger inside. “I guess we’ll have to fix that.”

The tip of a finger suddenly turns into an entire finger--jammed inside of Taeyong’s dry hole so quickly that he gags on the dildo and nearly vomits. Just as fast as it went in, the man yanks it back out.

“Oughhh marh gaaah--” he groans, horrified, as the man enters him again--this time with two dry digits that snag on his rim. Itburns so bad! He drops his face into the sheets and squeezes his eyes shut, real tears flowing from both eyes now.

The other says, “Good enough,” and pulls his fingers out once more.

It’s not. It’s not anywhere near good enough. Taeyong’s head pops up and he shakes it frantically, crying out unintelligible pleas around the gigantic gag.

“Yes, yes, don’t worry, slut. I’ll give it to you. Be patient.”

 _No, no--no, no, no, fuck--_ When Taeyong feels the heavy weight of the man’s bare cock come to rest between his abused cheeks, he starts struggling in earnest. It’s so big that he can feel the head resting on his tailbone while the man’s heavy balls squish his own.

“Shhhhh. Shut the fuck up.” The man presses down on Taeyong’s lower back with one hand and uses the other to start lining things up. He rubs the head of his big cock over Taeyong’s hole--up and down, up and down--letting it catch on the rim just a little bit each time as he applies more and more pressure.

Taeyong hears the sounds of the man hacking up a wad of phlegm from the back of his throat and spitting before he feels the wetness splatter onto his hole. The bed shifts and the man settles his knees on either side of Taeyong’s thighs--pressing the tip of his penis against Taeyong’s tight opening just before he begins to really force his way inside.

At first it doesn’t go in.

But then the man uses a little more spit and some leverage from his thumbs to open Taeyong up just enough--

“Nggggh!!!!” Taeyong squeals when the bulbous head sinks inside of him and keeps going. The incredible burn is enough to drain all the color from his face. It’s an awful stretch that he’s entirely unprepared for.

“Ooooo yes. There you go, whore.” The man leans more of his weight onto Taeyong so that his hips sink lower and lower, forcing his member deeper and deeper into Taeyong’s body. It’s so big for his unprepared hole that he can practically feel his insides moving around to accommodate the intrusion. “You like that, huh? Fucking…cunt…” It must feel good for the man, because he trails off into a greedy moan before slowly dragging himself back out.

It feels terrible. There is nothing pleasurable about this. Taeyong balls his bound hands into fists and tries to relax so that he can simply get through it.

Once the man has pulled out all the way so that only the very tip of his cock is holding Taeyong’s hole open, he snaps his hips forward and stabs his entire length back inside in one motion. Taeyong coughs out a tortured cry, mindlessly shaking his head at the sheets. Every thrust hurts the outside of his whipped ass almost as much as it tears at his insides.

The man goes on fucking him like that---slowly pulling out and then stabbing back inside all at once--until things start to open up for him. When he finally pulls out completely, leaving Taeyong’s hole empty and fluttering, the boy sobs in relief.

But it is short lived. With rough hands, the man pushes Taeyong’s hips up off the mattress--bending his back and forcing his ass straight up in the air. Then he pushes Taeyong’s bent knees underneath his hips to ensure that the boy will stay that way.  

“Look at this filthy hole,” he says disdainfully. He traces a finger around Taeyong’s rim. It is slightly open, red, and puffy from the mistreatment. “It’s starting to match the rest of your whore body--all fucked up and used.” He dips two fingers inside and prods at the tortured inner walls. Beneath him, Taeyong moans brokenly, but the man must take it for pleasure because he says, “Don’t worry, I’m not done with you yet.”

Making sure that Taeyong’s reddened opening is facing directly up into the air, the man realigns himself from above. He braces himself over Taeyong’s body with both arms and pushes his thick erection back inside. This time he doesn’t give the boy’s body any time to rest or adjust. He starts pounding him with a purpose. At this angle, he can piston his entire length in and out of Taeyong’s body with incredible speed, and he does so, wringing cries from the boy with each and every thrust.

It’s excruciating. Taeyong bites down on the dildo gag and sobs openly. He was completely unprepared for anything like this.

 

This--

 

This is torture.

 

It hurts him _so much_ and yet, this man above him--this _stranger_ who he let fuck him--is obviously enjoying the feeling. He’s moaning and panting with pleasure from every single impaling thrust that sparks _agony_ in Taeyong. He’s in euphoria while Taeyong is truly suffering.

And that disparity in and of itself is the most degrading thing that Taeyong has ever experienced. It cuts deep in his chest--in his heart--in a way that he could never have imagined.

 

“Ohhhhh fucking hell--yeah baby--yeah, take it you fucking slut!” the man cries, raising his voice as his pleasure builds. “Ugh yeah, _fuck you_  bitch!”

Somehow he keeps rutting into Taeyong with the same gusto while untying his bound wrists from the bed frame at the same time. A thick arm wraps around Taeyong’s chest before he understands what is happening and then the boy is shoved face first into the window pane.

His bound hands crack against the glass--the only thing stopping his face from bouncing off of the window with every wild thrust that cuts him in half.

Then a hand snakes around his right hip and grabs his soft penis.

“Look at yourself, bitch. Look at your face--you love it!”

It’s impossible not to. Taeyong’s wet, bruised face is reflected back at him in the dark window, hovering just above the cityscape. He sees his eyes, wide and dark, staring back at him. His own reflexion looks shocked at the sight.

And all the while, the hand is jerking him back to hardness and the huge dick is ruining his hole without pause. “Ahhh--” Taeyong groans, completely defeated as he feels himself grow stiff. _Oh my god I’m such a slut,_ he thinks miserably. There’s no denying that now.

He has to close his eyes.

 

“Cum for me, slut. Show the whole city how much you love getting fucked up like trash.”

 _No--god, no, please--I can’t do this._ He thought that he would want to! He thought that this would be hot as hell, but it’s different than he imagined.

The man’s other hand reaches around his head in a flash, closing around his throat in a death grip. Taeyong’s eyes pop open--his reflection turning red as he is strangled. The back of his tongue flutters and spasms against the gag.

“Cum, whore.”

 

The lights of the city below start to blur together, one bleeding into the next.

 

He hardly feels it building until it explodes--all of the pent up arousal and need inside of his loins spilling out over the man’s hand all at once as Taeyong’s eyes roll back in his head from the lack of air. Just before he loses consciousness the hand on his throat goes slack. It rubs up over his face and tangles up in his hair instead.

“Open your eyes.”

Taeyong is sputtering around the gag, trying and failing to catch his breath and suck in some oxygen through his nose while crying--but somehow he obeys. The second that his eyelids crack open, the man’s other hand comes up to smear Taeyong’s own cum all over his filthy face.  

“Fuck that’s hot,” the man laughs, centering himself again to finish. His big hands fall back on Taeyong’s hips, his fingers hooking into the abused flesh to get all the leverage he needs. He drills into the boy’s ass until he cums--spilling his hot jizz deep, deep inside of his aching insides.

“Mmmmhm…” Taeyong cries softly. His head hangs heavy in between his forearms.

“Ahhhh yeah.” The man rests on top of him for a moment to catch his breath. His cock twitches a few times with the aftermath of his orgasm before he begins to soften. After what feels like ages, he finally pulls out. “Ooh yeah, you’re nice and loose now, boy. Got a brand new ass out of the deal,” the man chuckles--sounding positively blissful. “Lucky you.”

Taeyong stays frozen with his head down until the man lazily--finally--undoes the buckle of the gag at the back of his head. He spits it immediately and the amount of drool that runs out of his mouth along with it is repulsive.

“Untie me,” he mumbles. His mouth feels strange--like he still can’t talk properly even though that thing is gone.

The man is sitting on the mattress behind him taking his sweet time.

“Please.”

“Ok, hold your horses.” There is a different quality to man’s voice now that he’s come down a little. He is no where near as condescending and cruel as he sounded before, but that makes no difference to Taeyong. He feels completely filthy and humiliated. His whole body hurts. He isn’t sure if he can walk straight. He needs to get out of these ropes right fucking now.

He stays as still as a statue as the man finally leans over him to untie his wrists, but as soon as they are free Taeyong rolls out from under him and struggles to get up. His feet are unsteady on the hardwood floor. The ache that has multiplied and spread into a burning, throbbing sensation all throughout his back body is hell, but the searing pain in his insides might be even worse. A thin line of blood is running down Taeyong’s left thigh as he wobbles on weak legs.

Still lounging on the bed, the man watches him with a placid expression. “You good?”

“Yup. I’m gonna go.” Every shaky step toward the door makes more cum dribble out of his hole, littering the floor with a trail of shameful evidence behind him. He does his best to ignore it.

Outside of the bedroom, Taeyong finds himself back in the maze of the house. His body feels unbelievably weak--struggling for each step as he stumbles through the hallways. He has to find his clothes.

“There’s a bathroom there if you need.”

Taeyong visibly flinches at the man’s voice. He hadn’t heard him following behind. “I’m okay,” he says. He can’t bring himself to turn back and face him.

Whether by memory or by sheer luck, Taeyong finds his way back to the living room without making any wrong turns. He grabs a tissue from a box on the end table where the man left his whiskey glass and does his best to wipe his face. The tissue comes away slimy and soaked through. He has to use three more.

His clothes are still there on the floor, discarded in front of the couch exactly where he left them. Crouching down to pick them up sends a shock wave of pain up from his asshole to the back of his neck--straight up his spine.

“I’ll call an uber for you,” the man says. He sits on the couch and watches Taeyong dress.

“N-no, it’s okay. I’ll take the bus.”

“No. I will get an uber. Don’t argue.” Without another word, the man pulls out a cellphone from the pocket of his robe.

Taeyong hisses in pain as the rough jean material brushes against his ass and all of the wounds up and down his thighs. When he raises his eye line slightly to fasten the button, he sees the man typing something into his phone out of the corner of his eyes.

 _That’s **jax669**  on his phone--’in the flesh’--_ Taeyong thinks bitterly. He bites his lip when another wave of emotion threatens to bring tears back into his eyes. _I’m such a fucking idiot._

“Alright, a car is on the way. It’s going to be a silver Chevy,” the man announces.

Taeyong gives a small nod. “Uh…I’ll wait outside.” He manages a glance in the man’s direction and sees him scrolling through his phone, like he’s almost forgotten that Taeyong is even there. The boy turns toward the door, brimming with shame.

“Really? Alright. Whatever you prefer,” the other shrugs.

Taeyong zips his outer jacket all the way up to his neck and makes his way to the door. His legs shake as he goes but he tries to keep his back straight and his head held high. Putting his shoes on is a little easier than the jeans.

“You good, kid?” the man calls after him when Taeyong jiggles the door handle to leave.

 _Stop crying. What is wrong with you?_ Taeyong reprimands himself, absolutely disgusted. He sniffles up his silent tears and calls back, “Yup. Thanks for the cab.”

He walks out into the night, letting the door swing shut behind him. And he doesn’t look back.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You didn't really think I could maintain the 'one chapter a day' thing, did you? lol

Trying to get into the car is like a cruel joke.

 

“Where to?” the man in the driver’s seat asks. He’s looking down, his face illuminated by the glow of his phone as he waits to input a location. Taeyong recites his address in monotone and gingerly ties to get into the passenger seat, but when his bum even _touches_  the seat he recoils with a yelp.

The man shoots him a confused glance.

 _Oh my god…fuck that hurt so bad…_ Taeyong knows that he’s keeping the driver waiting--he is trembling all over with embarrassment and pain--but his whole body is yelling at him not to sit down.

“What’s up? You alright?” the man prompts. He glances at the time on the dashboard.

“Yup,” Taeyong chirps out, trying with everything in him to maintain a tough exterior. _Just get home._  He hurries to crawl in the back seat instead. Hidden within the low veil of darkness, he can brace himself up on his hands and not have to sit down with all of his weight. Hopefully the driver won’t notice.

As they pull away from the curb, Taeyong looks back at the house. He half expects to see that man looming in the window--watching him struggle to get in the vehicle--but the windows are empty and the house looms silent.

 

The driver doesn’t try to talk to him as they drive--thank goodness--and twenty minutes later they pull up outside of Taeyong and Jaehyun’s apartment.

 

“How much do I owe you?” Taeyong asks. He’s itching to flee.

“Oh no, you’re good already. You paid on the app.” The way he looks at him--like Taeyong has three heads--he must think he’s an idiot.

He’ll just ignore it. Just get inside. “Okay, thanks.” He tenderly pulls himself out of the car and snaps the door shut behind him. The walk from the curb to the door feels about ten times further than usual. He can hear the car sitting idle in the road behind him. Why isn’t the driver leaving? Is he watching him to make sure that he gets inside alright?

No. Why would he care?

Maybe he knows what happened. Maybe he’s amused, Taeyong thinks, mortified. And that thought gives rise to another: With how casual he had been, how often must ** **jax669****  do the same thing to other people and then send them off with this uber driver? Maybe he’s a regular.

 

By the time Taeyong reaches the porch, his legs are ready to give out on him. He fumbles with his keys in the darkness. Jaehyun normally leaves the light on for him when he is home. Eventually he gets the key in the slot and the door swings open into an empty house. Slipping inside, Taeyong pushes it shut again and when the latch clicks closed and he finds himself alone in the dark, everything floods to the surface all at once.

The bitten sobs come on so strong that they choke his breath away and double him over.

_What did you do?_

He staggers forward blindly into the dark mudroom of their apartment as the tears fall.

_What the hell were you thinking?!_

He’s crying so hard that his chest feels like it’s caving in. His heart physically aches within him. With one hand he covers his mouth to shut himself up. The other waves through empty space and then gropes at the wall, searching for the light switch. At last, his fingers bump into the plastic and the lights flick on overhead. His wet eyes swivel around the room: searching, insecure, frightened.

But everything is just as he left it: their coats and their shoes, a book shelf near the entry way door where Jaehyun leaves his school bag, the stained old rug that’s supposed to keep them from tracking mud or snow inside--

There are a few red droplets on it, now.

_Oh my god, what was I thinking?!_

He has to run away. He urges exhausted legs up the stairs to the bathroom, tripping on the second to last step and crashing onto his hands and knees on the floor. For a moment, he is stuck there--completely lacking the strength to rise again. Staring at his hands on the floor, he notices a red wrinkle in his skin where the ropes rubbed his wrist raw.

 _I’m so, so stupid._  He squeezes his eyelids shut so tightly that it hurts.

It takes a few minutes before Taeyong musters up the will to move again, but eventually he makes his way into the bathroom. When the lights come on and he sees himself in the mirror, he cringes at his own image.

The black eye is already spectacular so it’s sure to be quite a sight tomorrow and a bit lower, the bruises on his cheeks all blur together. Both corners of his lips look swollen from being stretched and they burn badly--thousands of micro-tears leaving this inner tissues exposed.

There’s a bit of dried semen crusted over his left eyelid. He hiccups out a whiny sob and hangs his head, completely disgusted with himself.

The words ‘dumb-- _ _fucking__ \--whore’ come echoing back.

He has to shower. He can’t stand another second of feeling so filthy. The inside of his boxers feel wet from the blood and cum. Even his jeans. The line of blood that had come dribbling out of him must still be slowly flowing to have dripped on the carpet like that.

 

The carpet…

His face--

There’s no possible way that he can hide this from Jaehyun. The thought settles like a block of ice in his guts as he slowly, gently pulls his pants off. Jaehyun is going to come home tomorrow and see him like this.

He’s totally fucked. And it serves him right, he thinks bitterly, whining low in his throat as the waist line of the jeans scrapes over his butt. He cheated on his best friend. He shouldn’t be allowed to keep it a secret.

With a sad little whoosh, his pants and boxers fall into a clump at his feet. The full length mirror that is hung on the back of the bathroom door reflects the side of his hip and thigh back at him. There are welts there--bruises like black chalk smeared into the flesh in smudged lines. They claw around the side of his hipbone.

He has to look. It hurt’s so incredibly badly that he has to really see it even though he dreads the sight, so he turns to a three quarters angle.

 _ _Holy fuck--__  he bites his lips and cries in disbelieving silence, staring at it like he’s never seen his own body before. His entire ass--the entire thing!--has been whipped to hell. There is almost no normal colored flesh remaining on either cheek and even beyond that, the damage spreads sporadically up his back and down his thighs.

Taeyong reaches back a trembling hand to dab at a spot of blood. It’s dry.

There are places where the flesh is bruised so badly, so deeply, that it feels completely numb. But his fingers can feel it. It’s like there are stones underneath his skin. He traces his finger tips over the damage with reverent softness because intuitively he knows that if he presses down with any force it will be excruciating. 

 _“What a cute little ass you have, whore. It’s going to be a complete mess when I’m done with you”_ the man had said. Taeyong can see things so clearly now. His chin quivers as he hold back another whimper. All the time that they were messaging each other, that guy wasn't talking dirty to turn Taeyong on with exaggerated fantasies. He was always completely serious. Why didn’t Taeyong see that before? __“_ Hopefully you can at least suck a dick. Otherwise I’m going to have to beat the shit out of you for leading me on.” _

All the times Taeyong imagined getting hurt--getting whipped even…

All the times he had fantasized about being abused by a cold and ruthless dom…

Sure, he had occasionally pictured himself beaten up this badly. And yeah, the thought would get him off, among other things. But it’s completely different to really feel it.

It doesn’t make him feel desired or sexy or even tough.

He just feels used and disgusting and so fucking dumb that he wants to shrivel up and die in front of his own reflection.

He’s sinking and he feels it, so he tears his gaze away from the mirror and climbs into the tub. The shower turns on with a cold blast and takes several moments to warm to a comfortable temperature. Still, even when the stream is steaming hot, Taeyong can’t suppress the little shivers that wrack his body.

He starts with his face and that takes ten minutes or more. He continues scrubbing long after his skin is factually clean. He rubs his hands up and down his arms, over his chest and his shoulders, and then he finally starts on his lower half.

When he bends over slightly to rub at his calves, the spray of water splashes into his ass crack and forces a stray gush of semen out of his insides. Taeyong knows that he should clean himself out but he’s so scared to touch it. It hurts so bad and that guy’s words are stuck in his head, scaring his hands stiff.

_“You’re nice and loose now, boy. Got a brand new ass out of the deal. Lucky you.”_

It can’t possibly be true, can it? That’s not…that can’t happen! It hurts but it’s not _ruined_.

It sure as hell feels like it, though. And besides that, he let a random stranger fuck him without a condom.

 

 

Jaehyun is never going to touch him again.

 

* * *

 

An hour later Taeyong is curled up in bed under a pile of blankets. It took quite a bit of trial and error but he has finally found a half-way comfortable position to lie down in. He was feeling sick after the shower and he just wanted to sleep, so he popped a few painkillers, plugged in his phone to charge near the bed, and buried himself.

He can’t sleep, though. Body is half-dead and half-broken--it weighs a thousand pounds. But his mind is moving at a million miles an hour.

 

_Bzzz._

 

Taeyong turns his eyes on the glow of his phone without moving his head. He almost doesn’t want to look but he reluctantly reaches out a thin arm to retrieve it.

 

**Jae the Bae <3   1:13am  “Are you sleeping babe? I hope you had a good night. Barely heard from you.” **

****

Taeyong hiccups out a weak gasp. _Oh Jae…_  He has no idea yet. _He still loves me,_ Taeyong thinks, but that thought brings no warmth into his body. All it does is make him start to cry again. _What was I thinking? Why would I ever cheat on him? I’m so dumb!_ He holds his face--absolutely miserable. Cheating on his best friend with an awful stranger? Over what? Some selfish fantasies?! And he hadn't even been good at it, he realizes. He was a shitty sub and he was apparently too weak to handle the level of violence that he thought he craved. 

He had no idea that it was possible to hate yourself this much.

 _Jaehyun still loves me,_ he thinks. _He doesn’t know yet. He still loves me._

__

**1:17am  “Can you talk for a bit?”**

 

Taeyong knows that it’s selfish and it’s fucked up but he _needs_  to hear Jae’s voice right now. He has to hear his old familiar tone one last time before he finds out.

One last time before he stops loving him.

 

The phone starts ringing barely a minute later and the photo of Jaehyun’s handsome face lights up the entire screen. “Heyyyyy babe.” He sounds so happy and relaxed that Taeyong has to cover his mouth to keep from crying out load.

He clears his throat. “Hi.”

“What’s up? Is everything alight?”

 _No. Nope. Everything is--just--completely ruined. I fucked it all up and I’m so, so sorry--_ “Yeah, I’m okay,” is what he actually says. “How was your sister’s play?”

“It was cute.” Taeyong can almost picture Jaehyun shrugging as he says it. He’s probably lounging around in his old childhood bed, wearing pajama pants--maybe the red plaid ones that he likes. “She did a good job. She had, like, a side part but she was really excited that I came. I think she was surprised.”

“That’s good.” Taeyong forces a little smile because if he sounds too sad or too distracted Jaehyun will definitely know something’s wrong.

“Yeah. Oh and there was this scene--” Jaehyun trails off laughing.

“What?”

“Oh man, there was this scene where they captured the main character and the bad guys tied him up. If you had been there…It was, like, the kind of rope work that you would have shit on so hard.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Like the worst ever. Worse than mine,” he chuckles. “You could’ve slipped those knots in less than point zero four seconds probably.”

Taeyong tries to force a chuckle but he ends up huffing and tracing over the rope burn on his wrists instead. “Well…I mean…it was just for the stage so it’s different.”

“Yeah I know,” Jaehyun sighs happily. “It just made me think of you.”

Taeyong licks up a stray tear that falls over his lips and makes sure that his voice will come out steady before he tries to speak. “I wish that I came with you--to see it.”

There is a little pause before Jaehyun’s voice comes back. “Somebody misses me.”

“Mm.” He does. He would give anything to go back in time and go with his boyfriend on the stupid weekend trip home. But he can’t. And now he’s stuck somewhere in middle--not even able to wish for Jaehyun’s quick return because as soon as he comes back, everything falls apart.

“Well I’ll be back tomorrow. Hopefully around 5. I got the early ticket.”

“Okay.” Taeyong does the math while he bites his thumbnail straight through. Less than 18 hours.

“Are you tired.”

Jaehyun certainly hears the exhaustion in his voice, so he just admits it. “Very.”

“Okay, babe, I’ll let you get some sleep, then.” There is a crinkle in the background, like Jaehyun is adjusting the blankets. “I love you.”

Taeyong isn’t sure if he should even be allowed to say it back anymore after what he’s done. But he has to. He needs Jae to hear it and believe it one last time.

“I love you too, Jae. Really.”

 

When they hang up, Taeyong just buries his head in the blankets and weeps.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Time for a PSA from your friendly neighborhood Addy!
> 
> To all the young/inexperienced masochists and hardcore subs out there: 
> 
> 1\. There is nothing wrong with your proclivities as long as you are careful with your own body, your feelings, and the feelings of others. Don't give up everything good in your life because you're chasing more angst. It may be satisfying in the moment but in the long run it is simply a mistake. Take your time with yourself and your loved ones and enjoy the exploration process. 
> 
> 2\. Please...NEVER EVER put yourself in a situation where your limits will be tested with someone who does not know you. The top/dom/'sadist' that you choose to engage with MUST be able to read you well. They must care about your physical and emotional well-being. They must care about those things enough to be totally willing to stop AT ANY TIME if either one of you feel that you have been pushed too far. Real BDSM is more about interpersonal trust and communication than it is about ANY of the hardcore tags you might be looking for. 
> 
> 3\. This might be tmi but I feel very strongly about it: If you watch a lot of hardcore porn to scratch that itch in the meantime--please consider stopping! Many of the subs/masochists in those videos have entered the situation willingly (either for an experience or for money) but were then pushed way too far on set. These people have often had their proclivities violently taken advantage of for the sake of the film maker's profit and end up overexposed and both physically and emotionally damaged in the long run. Not to mention that pornography sells us inaccurate fantasies that can harm our real life relationships by making us think we are missing out on something. 
> 
> OK, end rant. <3


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I write about a lot of twisted, fucked up topics...but apparently cheating is the most controversial thing on ao3? Lol whattt....  
> The comments are longer than the fic I think. And I love it ;) Thanks fam!

When Taeyong wakes up he is exponentially stiffer than the night before.

It took him ages to fall asleep but eventually his tears brought him to the edge of consciousness and pushed him over. He had hoped to sleep in but instead he finds himself puffy eyed, awake, and aching at only 7am. Four hours of sleep at most. And even that was interrupted by worries and nightmarish images that roused him time and time again.

And with that lack of sleep comes the lingering nausea.

Going downstairs to retrieve a glass of water was so uncomfortable that Taeyong came straight back to bed afterward. Now, he rests fitfully in the pile of blankets and pillows that prop him up, sipping at his water and trying to ward of the endless throbs of nausea.

_How many more hours until Jae gets back? He’s going to hate me. He’s gonna be so disgusted with me. He’s gonna break up with me._

Variations of those dreadful thoughts swirl around his mind all morning as he sits staring blankly at the wall. He’s in too much pain and discomfort to do anything or go anywhere, so all he can do is sit and wait, like he’s waiting for a death sentence.

After about two hours like that, his cell phone vibrates. He assumes that it’s Jaehyun informing him that he’s coming home early or asking how he slept.

But it’s not. When Taeyong looks at his phone his heart leaps up into his throat. It from **jax669**.

 

**“Someone woke up sore I bet.”    jax669   9:36am**

__

_What the hell?!_ Hadn’t he turned the on-screen notifications for the BDSMapp off days ago? Something had to be wrong with the program. Taeyong’s mind is still reeling as another one pops up with a _buzzzzz _.__  

 

**“Send me a picture of that ass.”   jax669   9:37am**

****

_No way._ Taeyong swipes the notification off screen with the frown and goes into his settings to investigate the wonky alerts. Could he have turned the notifications back on last night after deciding to go to the so-called dinner? It seems possible, but Taeyong honestly doesn’t remember doing that.

Another message pops up in the center of the screen and it’s so long that Taeyong can’t help but read it even though he doesn’t necessarily want to.

 

**“Why don’t you come sit your brand new gape down on my morning wood and ride it until I cum? This time I’ll piss in your worthless ass when I’m done with you. Bet you’d love that you dumb cunt.”   jax669   9:38am**

 

All the color drains from Taeyong’s face. He’s so stunned at the obscene words that he can’t even swipe it away--his thumb hovers over the screen in disbelief. He just can’t believe that he ever let this stranger talk down to him so much. And especially now that he’s realized the man is 100% serious.

 

Forget figuring out why the notifications are on again. He simply deletes the BDSMapp instead.

 

* * *

 

By the time Jaehyun’s arrival draws near, Taeyong is nothing but a ball of nerves. He has barely eaten or moved from his place in the bed all day. He got up once to pee and refill his water, but other than that he didn’t have the mental or physical fortitude to do a thing.

Jaehyun texted him a few times throughout the day to update him on the progress of his journey home. A little after 5:30, the sound of their front door opening makes Taeyong start to cry all over again.

“Hi, Tae~!” Jaehyun calls from the first floor after a few moments of silence.

Taeyong is trembling pathetically--petrified of what’s to come. He’s never been so frightened of a loved one or friend before. It’s an awful feeling.

 _Isn’t that what you thought you wanted, though?_ The thought hisses over the back of his mind, tormenting him. _You were bored because Jae wasn’t scary enough and because he was too predictable?_

“Tae, I’m home!” his boyfriend yells up the stairs. He must be standing at the bottom now. Taeyong hears his footsteps begin the climb.

“Uh--Up here,” he calls back weakly. The dread has become a tangible entity within his body, now. It’s trying to strangle him from the inside out.

Jaehyun gives a good-natured grumble as his footfall reaches the top landing. “Geez. You don’t even get up to greet me anymore, huh?”

When he enters the room he has a playful grin on his face, but it quickly turns into a mask of confusion and then concern. “Tae, what-- Oh my god, what happened to your face?” Taeyong snivels pathetically, biting his lip and sniffing up snot as his boyfriend rushes across the room to hold him. He doesn’t want to be crying! He knows that he’s in the wrong here and he should put on a brave face and deal with the consequences like a man.

But he’s just so, so, so sorry and so sad and so scared and so _hurt_ \--

“Oh my god, Tae-- Are you okay?” Jaehyun gasps, climbing into the bed and reaching out for him. He looks positively horrified at the sight of Taeyong’s beaten face and tears. His voice drops to a softer tone now that he’s within a few inches of the other boy. “What happened?” 

“Um…I…” Jaehyun brushes the pad of his thumb ever so gently over the most swollen place on Taeyong’s cheekbone. It doesn’t hurt but Taeyong flinches anyway. “I…I…” He can’t make his mouth work. He just keeps stammering and crying softly, his chin drooping lower as he unconsciously tries to hide in shame.

He’s not ready.

“Hey, it’s okay! It’s okay,” Jaehyun shushes him as his tears bubble over into something audible. He pulls Taeyong into a tender hug.

The warm embrace of Jaehyun’s body--the love and concern in his voice--that he actually cares about Taeyong as a human being and not just a body to get fucked and played with--he’s not ready to lose that yet!

“It’s okay, it’s okay.” Jaehyun’s large hand strokes up and down Taeyong’s back--unaware of the random placement of wounds beneath his shirt. “Tell me what happened.”

 

All of a sudden a new idea comes into Taeyong’s mind: He could tell him that he got jumped coming home from school. He got beat up and the assholes raped him. With how bruised and hurt he is, Jaehyun would definitely believe that, right? It was a one time mistake and Taeyong didn’t mean for it to go that far. He wasn’t in his right mind last night! He didn’t really mean to cheat on Jaehyun and it will never, _ever_  happen again--so he should just say he was attacked on then they can move on with their lives.

Right?

“Someone hurt you.” He can feel Jaehyun’s jaw moving against the less damaged side of his face. He sounds a little more angry now--perhaps imagining Taeyong getting beat up. “What happened, babe? Who did this to you?”

 

Taeyong bites his lip until he tastes blood. _Fuck._ “I…I cheated on you.”  

The hand on his back stills.  

 

“I’m so sorry, Jae. It was a mistake--”

“Wait, what?” Jaehyun releases him and leans back to look his boyfriend in the eye. He doesn’t appear angry. He looks very confused.

Teayong doesn’t want to repeat it but Jaehyun is waiting for an explanation, staring at him with disbelief written all over his face as the wheels start turning. “I’m so, so sorry. I--there was this guy--”

A hard bite creeps into Jaehyun’s voice. “A guy? What guy?”

“He’s nobody. Just some asshole!” As Jaehyun’s face slowly twists from confusion to shock, Taeyong’s voice raises, scrambling to explain it away somehow. “He beat me up, Jae. I didn’t--he made me--”

“What the hell are you talking about?” They stare at each other in silence for a moment--Taeyong leaking a steady stream of silent, regretful tears while Jaehyun’s expression remains still, somewhere between shock and building anger.

Jaehyun is waiting for him to answer, so he clears his throat and tries again, stammering weakly, “I was talking to a guy on this stupid app--it wasn’t, like, it wasn’t anything serious it was just talk--and it was just supposed to be dinner, Jae--I swear to god--but then--”

His boyfriend cuts him off mid-sentence, finally comprehending. “You cheated on me?”

Taeyong’s eyes are swimming with tears so deep that Jaehyun looks blurry. His mouth opens slightly, working over phantom words that could somehow lessen the damage. All that comes out it a miserable, “Yes.”

“Wha--” Jaehyun chokes. His eyes sweep up and down Taeyong’s beaten face with a whole new understanding. When he speaks again, the threat of tears is evident in his voice. “You fucking cheated on me? Are you serious?”

Taeyong gives a minuscule nod and hangs his head.

“Why? What the fuck? I mean--with who?!” Jaehyun’s brows lower into a mask of anger and disbelief as he leans back a bit further.

Taeyong whimpers, “He was nobody, Jae, it was a big mistake.”

But Jaehyun snaps back, “Who is it?” His voice is so sharp that Taeyong glances up at him in fear before dropping his eyes again. “What’s his name?”

He can barely admit it, it’s so embarrassing and awful. “I…I don’t know.”

There’s a terrible moment of silence before Jaehyun yells, “Are you fucking kidding me?!”

He never raises his voice at Taeyong. Never. The smaller boy ducks his head down a little more and hiccups out a pathetic little sob. He’s knows how gross that is. He knows better than anyone, now. He deserves all of Jaehyun’s shock and anger and he won’t try to stop him from shouting. He just hangs his head and answers the questions as they come pouring in--each one more biting than the next.

“Did you…have sex with him?”

“I didn’t mean to. I really didn’t want to. I--”

Jaehyun’s demand silences him in an instant. “You had _sex_?”

 

“...yes.”

“What the _fuck_!? I leave for two and a half days and you go and fuck some stranger? You don’t even know his name?!”

“No, Jae, I know. I know. I’m so sorry, I was so stupid and I didn’t mean to--”

“No?” Jaehyun turns on him in a flurry. He jabs a trembling finger in Taeyong’s direction and hisses, “What? Did you trip and fall on his dick?”

Taeyong turns miserable eyes on his boyfriend. He’s trapped in silence, unable to defend himself, but those words hurt more than Jaehyun could guess. In retrospect, Taeyong _does_  feel like he had fallen hard and landed in the worst fuck imaginable.

But he can’t say that. It’s not an excuse.

When Taeyong doesn’t reply, Jaehyun scoffs in disgust and shakes his head. “Jesus…” He slides off the edge of their bed and paces away, running his hands through his hair, saying, “I can’t believe you. What is _wrong_ with you?”

“I’m sorry,” he moans at the sheets. He squeezes his eyes shut and half a dozen tears fall onto his hands.

Jaehyun, too, paws at his face angrily, wiping away his own tears with a little growl. “Why? Why the hell would you do that? What did I ever do to you, dude? I’ve been nothing but…but… _good_  to you!”

That’s so true. Taeyong nods in reverent silence. He has absolutely no excuse.

Suddenly, Jaehyun whirls back around with a spark in his eyes, clearly having had an epiphany of some kind. He glares at Taeyong with something dangerously close to disgust on his face as he accuses, “Don’t tell me. You asked him to do this to you?” He waves his hand around in a wild motion, indicating Taeyong’s swollen, purple face. “You cheated on me because I wouldn’t punch you in your fucking face?!”

Taeyong hiccups through a sob. It’s such an obviously insane reason in hindsight. “I’m sorry, Jae. I was out of my mind, I know that. I fucked up!”

“You fucked up,” Jaehyun echoes coldly. “Yeah.” He shakes his head and turns his back on Taeyong, walking away. “You are crazy, you know that? I tried, but you are not right in the head if that’s--”

 _No, no, no--_  “Jae, please!” Taeyong cries, lurching toward the edge of the bed after him. He reaches out with the full length of his arm--as if he could will Jaehyun to come back to him--and his hand is trembling like he’s about to faint. “Please! It was a _huge_  mistake. I would do anything to take it back!” He’s crying openly now. He doesn’t care how desperate he sounds or how unfair it is for him to be the one sobbing when Jaehyun is the one who was betrayed. He just wants his boyfriend to hear him out because he’s so hurt and so ashamed and so, so _sorry_ \--

“I’m so sorry,” he weeps, “I’m so sorry. I didn’t want--I mean--I wanted him to stop but I couldn’t make him stop and he hurt me, and, and…” His sobs choke the words away and his floundering hand sags back to the mattress.

Jaehyun halts midway across the room but he doesn’t turn back.

There is silence over them for what feels like ages. Jaehyun stands stiffly in the center of their bedroom with his back to Taeyong, listening to him stifle his tears and slowly get a hold of himself again. 

“What are you talking about,” Jaehyun finally asks.

It’s so humiliating that Taeyong doesn’t want to explain. He doesn’t want Jaehyun to look at it as just some bullshit excuse either, but he owes it to his boyfriend to be as transparent as possible at this point. “I didn’t plan on…doing anything with him,” he chokes out. Jaehyun turns halfway back around to glare at him. “I mean, it was a possibility but--”

“Get to the point. Fuck.”

“It just escalated so fast and I was hurt and confused and then he tied me up! And I couldn’t talk--”

“Don’t fucking lie to me. I’m sure you asked him to do all of that,” Jaehyun sneers at him. He turns to leave again, his fists trembling at his sides.

“No, Jae--” He’s leaving. He’s leaving Taeyong behind in their bed and walking away-- “I didn’t want it! I changed my mind!” he cries, frantic now as Jaehyun’s back nears the door. He scrambles out of the bed and forces his wounded body to move for him, stumbling after the other boy with all of his strength. “I couldn’t make him stop!” he cries, reaching out for the back of Jaehyun’s sweater.

But then a stabbing pain rips through his ass and he collapses to the floor. His legs bend up underneath him as he falls and he lands directly on his left heel--the hard ball jabbing up in between his butt cheeks with bruising force.

He gives a wordless shout--his tear stained features collapsing in on themselves in agony as the alarming feeling of hot wetness begins to seep into his underwear.

 

“Jesus--are you okay?”

Taeyong strains to look way, way up through the haze of pain. Jaehyun is standing directly above him.

“No…” he practically whispers. “No, no. Fuck, Jae, I’m so sorry. You don’t know how sorry I am.”

“Answer the question.” Jaehyun crouches down to glance at the boy with some suspicion on his face. The way Taeyong screamed just now was alarming to say the least. “Are you okay? What’s wrong with you?”

There is no part of Taeyong that is okay right now. But he grits out, “I’ll be okay. I just…I’m so sorry.” His voice breaks on the last bit and he hangs his head so low that his eyes disappear entirely. 

Jaehyun looks him over in silence. He doesn’t particularly soften but he does put a stiff hand on Taeyong’s shoulder. “Alright. Talk. Tell me what happened.”


	10. Chapter 10

With much fear and embarrassment, Taeyong confesses everything.

He starts at the beginning: He had been occasionally messaging strangers on the BDSMapp for over 5 years as a way to tide himself over when he was aching for _more_ and _rougher_. Most people did nothing more than exchange a few lusty messages with him--detailing how they would love to hurt or humiliate him--and the words themselves were enough to scratch Taeyong’s itch.

The man-- **jax669** \--was one of these. Only **jax669**  was more aggressive than the others. And he liked to send Taeyong pictures of his cock every now and again (he admits,) which Taeyong ignored or simply deleted after a few moments of blushing at it’s size.

“It was just flirting. I never told any of them my real name or sent pictures that could identify me,” Taeyong vows. But still, he’s crimson with embarrassment as he goes on. Jaehyun just glares at him, stone-faced.

But lately…Lately he’s been just _dying_  for more! It’s been eating him up inside, as dumb as that sounds. He sheepishly admits that he was feeling upset and almost hopeless after the incident in bed three nights ago, so he started using the app again to try and fill that void in a harmless way.

At that, Jaehyun shakes his head dismissively, saying, “Just get to the point, Taeyong. What did you mean before about ‘he hurt you’?”

Taeyong peeks up at Jaehyun and sighs sadly. _Fuck…here goes._ “He invited me to have dinner with him.”

Jaehyun clicks his tongue, insulted by the obvious ruse.

Taeyong struggles to go on but he must. “I wasn’t going to go but then I did. And then once I got there it was--"

  
”Let me guess: not fucking dinner.”

Taeyong huffs out a shaky breath. Of course not. It’s painfully obvious now that the man had never intended to schmooze him with any dinner. He wanted to fuck him up and nothing more, and Taeyong had walked into it with his eyes half closed. “No it wasn’t dinner. He wanted….” he trails off as the regretful tears choke his voice away.

“What?” Jaehyun snaps, growing impatient.

Utterly ashamed of himself, Taeyong mutters through his tears, “I did give him a blow job but then he raped me.”

Jaehyun stammers over a curse, his mouth falling open in total bewilderment and anger. How the hell is he supposed to respond to this? He shakes his head, totally at a loss. “Are you telling me the truth?” he rasps out after what feels like a long time.

Taeyong just nods and cries. His eyes raise to peer at his boyfriend--swimming with tears and more swollen than Jaehyun has ever seen them.

“Fuck, Tae…I mean…”

“I know it’s all my fault. I shouldn’t have been messaging him and I should never, _ever_ have thought it would be okay to go over there, but…I’m so sorry.” He finds himself unable to finish most of his sentences. It always circles back to tearful apologies, just one after the next and each one coming back to him empty.

Once again, Jaehyun ignores that to press the issue. “So he really forced you? I mean…he really hurt you? You didn’t ask for it?”

That’s an impossible questions to answer. How many times had Taeyong been aroused by **jax669** ’s threatening messages or his violent imagery? He had surely asked to be whipped and smacked around and roughly fucked through anonymous messaging, but when it came right down to it, he would have given anything to make it stop.

He had tried to use his safe word, after all.

So he shakes his head weakly, feeling a little bit dishonest as he mumbles, “N-no. I didn’t want it. I wanted him to stop but he tied me up and g-gagged me so I couldn’t even talk.” It’s so unbelievably humiliating to admit. How could he have been so stupid and weak?! Just thinking about how violating and demeaning that big dildo gag felt as it jabbed into his throat and silenced him--

Taeyong covers his face with both hands and starts another fit of crying.

“Come on, let’s get you off the floor. Fuck,” Jaehyun grumbles after awhile. He helps Taeyong get up and walks him back to the bed, but as they start to move, Taeyong’s gait is strange and Jaehyun finally notices. “Oh--you’re bleeding!” he announces in alarm. Taeyong figured as much. He had been feeling a spot of warm blood grow in his underwear for the past few minutes after the fall. The spot must have seeped through his sweatpants by now. For as furious as Jaehyun must be, he is very concerned at the sight. “Taeyong, you’re bleeding!” he exclaims once more since the boy didn’t react the first time.

“He hurt me,” is his simple reply.

Jaehyun ushers his over to the bed and tries to guide him to sit down, but Taeyong’s stiff upper legs refuse to go down. “N-no it’s…it’s gonna hurt,” he protests. Jaehyun watches Taeyong’s face for moment, his frown only growing as Taeyong recoils from the edge of the bed when Jaehyun tugs on his arm to try and get him to sit again.

Jaehyun bites his lip and swallows hard. “Is your ass bleeding right now?” He had caught only a glimpse of the blood spot but from the placement--directly in the center of Taeyong’s backside--he has to wonder. And sure enough, Taeyong nods. “Oh my god…” Jaehyun looks away. He rubs his first two fingers across his lips a few times in thought. “Did…?” He shakes his head. Half of him is totally revolted at the mental picture of someone else fucking his boyfriend in the ass. The other half is just sick imaging how much pain Taeyong must be in.

Personally, Jaehyun has always been very careful not to _injure_ his boyfriend’s rectum regardless of his pleas for rougher treatment. Some lines are not worth crossing.

He steels himself and puts his personal feelings aside momentarily, reaching out for Taeyong’s hand. This needs to be taken care of first. “Did you go to the hospital?”

Taeyong shakes his head.

“No? Why not?”

“I can’t go to the hospital.”

“Yes, you can,” Jaehyun argues, but he keeps his tone gentle to try and get past Taeyong’s defenses. “Of course you can. If you’re hurt you need to go to the doctor and make sure everything is okay.”

“N-no, no,” Taeyong shakes his head a little harder, his hair swishing across his clammy forehead as he gets more and more upset at the prospect. “It’s too embarrassing, Jae. It’ll be fine.”

It’s obvious enough to Jaehyun that Taeyong _should_ go get things checked out, so he tries one more time. “Tae. You need to go. This is important.”

“ _Please_ \--I don’t want to go. I can’t go, Jae. I’m so sorry! Please don’t make me go.”

Jaehyun is taken aback at the blatant pleading. Taeyong is not one to beg. His brows flicker upward in surprise and then droop again in thought. What is he supposed to do here? Eventually he huffs out a heavy breath and says, “Let me take a look at it at least. If it’s really, really bad then you’re going to have to go. Period.”

“Oohhhh…” Taeyong bites his bottom lip until it turns white. He desperately doesn’t want to show his boyfriend the embarrassing wounds--What if Jaehyun takes one look at it and finds him so whoreish and repulsive that he just leaves? Just like that?--but he feels that he has no choice. At this point, if he wants Jaehyun to ever forgive him, he knows he’d better do anything that he tells him to do. With trembling hands he begins to drop his pants.

He cups his hands over his front to cover himself. And then he turns around.

Jaehyun literally gasps behind him. “Jesus…fuck….” His mouth twists up in horror at the sight of all the bruising and the whipmarks that have settled into nasty plum colored lines. The dried blood has scabbed over in several places. The extent of the bruising makes it painfully clear just how long how hard this man must have gone on striking him. “Holy crap, babe.”

Taeyong knows it’s bad. He saw it last night and it hurts like hell, but hearing Jaehyun’s reaction to the way that is body looks makes him feel even shittier. His chin quivers as he cries in silence, staring at the stretch of carpet between his feet.

Jaehyun looks his back body over until he feels uncomfortable and wants to move on. The blood isn’t coming from any of those scabs. It’s peering out from the cleft of Taeyong’s ass in bright red smudges. He needs to spread Taeyong’s cheeks apart to get a better look at the damage to his hole but he’s afraid to touch it and hurt him anymore.

“Um…can you bend over or something so I can take a look at it? You’re bleeding from your hole, Tae.”

 

A mortified whimper bubbles up from Taeyong’s throat unbidden.

 

He struggles to brace his hands on his thighs and bend over without falling flat on his face. He’s shaking so much that he thinks he might faint. He doesn’t want Jaehyun to look at his intimate place right now. It’s only going to make Jaehyun condemn him as a slut even more.

“Stay still,” Jaehyun mutters as Taeyong’s bloodied hole appears from between his beaten cheeks. He sucks in a thin breath at the sight of it. With a very gentle hand, Jaehyun sweeps the flat of his thumb across the opening to wipe away the blood. Facing the other way, Taeyong sobs with his mouth closed. He lurches forward about an inch before settling back into the touch.

Jaehyun is intimately acquainted with Taeyong’s small hole so he can clearly see that it has taken a beaten and a half. It’s winking open just a tiny bit--like a measly teardrop instead of a perfectly rounded pucker--and he imagines that he could slide his pinky finger inside without any trouble. It's been badly stretched but there don't appear to be any large tears on the anus itself. All of the real damage must be on the inside, Jaehyun muses, peering a bit closer into the barely-there gape. Perhaps unnerved under the close scrutiny, the puckered opening gives a sad little flutter and the action pushes one more dribble of blood out. It settles in a small bead at the edge of his sphincter and then stills. 

Without probing the inside, Jaehyun realizes there is no way that he can assess the damage. There are probably some tears that will need to heal but he doesn’t know if it’s bad enough to _force_ Taeyong to see a doctor. And besides, Jaehyun isn’t even sure if he’s in a position to tell Taeyong what to do anymore. He hasn’t had time to process any of this yet and he truly doesn’t know what he’s going to do moving forward.

He tried at least. He's done what he can, so he taps the side of Taeyong’s thigh in a place that seems free from damage and tells him, “Alright. I dunno, Tae. I think you’d better go to the hospital just in case but it’s your call.” Then he rises from the bed, leaving Taeyong bent over exposing his asshole to empty space.

The smaller boy hurries to straighten up and redress once he realizes that Jaehyun is gone. His wet, wide eyes follow Jaehyun’s movements, frightened that he might really leave him now after that.

“I mean, you never know. If it was with a stranger--” Jaehyun shakes his head again, his voice hardening once more as he really starts to let the betrayal sink in now that that’s done. “You could have, like, some STD’s or something. I would go get checked out if I were you.” His forehead wrinkles in disgust and he makes for the door.

“Jae!” Taeyong calls after him. His voice sounds so weak and thin, almost like a sad little girl. “Please don’t go.” Jaehyun’s shoulders sag as he sighs but he keeps going, not even stopping to look back. “Please…I’m _sorry!”_ Taeyong keens, beginning to fully dissolve. His vision blurs until he can’t even see through the wave of tears.

Jaehyun pauses in the door frame of their bedroom. “Maybe call me in a day or two. Alright? I need a minute.” He sounds a little sad but his words are final. He adds, “ _After_ you go to the doctor.”

“But--where are you going to go?!” Taeyong cries out. He’s afraid to run after him again and accidentally re-agitate his wounds. All he can do is stand there shaking like a leaf as his boyfriend goes.

And Jaehyun doesn’t even answer. He waves his hand over his shoulder dismissively and vanishes from sight.


	11. Chapter 11

About two weeks later Taeyong is still living in their apartment alone.

When Jaehyun first left him there standing alone in their room, Taeyong didn’t move--paralyzed by the clenching feeling in the center of his chest. He hovered there until he heard the door slam down below, until Jaehyun was really gone, and then he collapsed back into the bed in a broken heap.

 

And there he stayed for several days.

 

He got up only to refill his glass of water, pee, and scrounge up a measly bite to eat--but even that was a torment. He was constantly nauseous and had little to no appetite. Everything turned to chalk in his mouth.

He skipped all of his classes on Monday and Tuesday until finally, on Wednesday, he worked up the nerve to see a doctor.

Just as he thought, there was nothing to be done for the small tears in his rectum other than pain medication and time. The examination was humiliating and painful--drawing more blood out of the wounds that had only just started to close. The doctor was more concerned about the extensive bruising on Taeyong’s back body, actually. But yet again: Nothing to be done.

The only real reason to go was the blood test and _thank god_ it came back negative. Sitting in that waiting room among a throng of strangers while he waited to learn whether or not he’d been infected with something…It was one of the most nerve-wracking moments of his young life. He desperately wished that someone--anyone!--had been there to hold his hand through the process, but the only one in town was Jaehyun, and Taeyong knew that it was his own fault that he wasn't there. 

Still, Taeyong called Jaehyun that very night as soon as he got back to the apartment. “I went to the doctor like you wanted me to and they said everything’s okay. Blood test was totally negative for anything, like, STD’s or…anything weird,” he assured him. His cheeks were burning up with embarrassment at even having to say something like that, but he desperately hoped that those results would be of some comfort to Jaehyun.

The line remained silent, however.

“Jae?”

“Yup.”

“Did you hear what I said?”

“Yeah,” Jaehyun sighed. “That’s good.”

“So…” Taeyong chewed on his fingernail and crinkled his brow, totally unsettled and insecure. The butterflies in his stomach were the size of bats. “Will you maybe come back to the apartment now? We can talk?”

“Uh…” Taeyong’s heart sinks in the silence. “I’ll think about it, okay? I’m not there yet.”

 

A week has passed since then and still nothing. For the first few nights, Taeyong would send Jaehyun a pleading, apologetic text before bed. Some nights, Jaehyun would give a generic reply telling him to wait a bit longer. Other times he left it on read. Other times he didn’t even look at it.

And as time passed, Taeyong began to give up. He knew that he had to go on with his life--start leaving the house and going to class again--but his face was still vaguely bruised and he didn’t want people asking about it.

Jaehyun’s words echoed like a ghost in his mind as he dabbed a bit of cover-up over the dusky gray bruises that were still lingering. _“I’m not going to punch you in the face…You really want to go to school with a black eye?”_

If he had received those marks under his own control, by someone who had negotiated terms with him and treated him respectfully afterward--then he might be able to wear them as a badge of honor and not care who saw him that way. But as it stood, those marks were just shameful reminders of how pathetically weak and stupid he had been.

Regardless of his feelings, however, Taeyong didn’t want to flunk out of school, so he began attending classes again the following Monday.

 

Now it’s Wednesday again and Jaehyun is still gone.

Taeyong is in PolySci, scrolling mindlessly through his phone on the desk. He shifts uncomfortably in his seat because his bum is still incredibly sore from the whipping. Before he can stop himself, he has returned to his messages with Jaehyun. He does this almost every hour although it does nothing but bring that familiar ache back into his chest.

His last message is still sitting there with no reply.

 

**“Do you want to have dinner somewhere tonight or tomorrow night? I understand if you don’t want to come home but maybe we could talk somewhere public? I just really want to see you. I miss you so much and I really wish we could work something out. Even if we could just start talking again.**

**You’re my best friend, Jae. Please.”    Tuesday    11:22pm**

 

He’s not entirely surprised at the lack of a response. _I probably deserve that,_ he thinks, remembering all the times that Jaehyun had wanted Taeyong to explain his desires and communicate his needs again and again. Remembering how he had been loathe to do so.

Taeyong blinks sadly at the screen before closing the chat once more. He tries desperately to pay attention to the rest of the lecture--anything to distract him from his pain and regret--but soon the class ends and the rest of the students flood out of the room. Taeyong gathers his things and joins the stream.

The crowds disperse through the hallways of the Porter Complex--an off-shoot of Porter Hall--and Taeyong tries to keep his head down as he makes his way to the food court. He has one more class this evening and he’s finally feeling hungry enough for a small meal.

But then, something catches in the far corner of his vision. Taeyong does a double-take.

 

It’s Jaehyun.

And he’s sitting with someone else. Some guy that Taeyong has never seen before…

 

His heart skips a beat and he runs away before he can be seen. Forget food. He’s lost his appetite.

By the time he quits running he finds himself in a different building in a deserted hallway. His heart is hammering away in his chest, sending pulsating waves of nausea from his head to his toes. He leans against the nearest wall and sags, clutching his backpack with white knuckles.

Who _was_  that guy? He’s not one of their shared friends and the way that Jaehyun had been looking at him…They were laughing about something, Taeyong thinks. He had only seen them for a moment before he fled but it seemed like they were…close.

Taeyong hates the thought. It makes him feel so shitty that he wants to disappear into thin air. Could Jaehyun really have moved on already? It’s been less than two weeks; they’d been together for years!  

Suddenly, the very clear image of bending over and letting Jaehyun examine and prod at his butt hole right before he walked out on him makes Taeyong stagger and slide down the wall.

Did Jaehyun do that just to rub it in a little bit before leaving him? Just to leave him feeling like even more of a worthless slut?

And then he told him to go to the doctor even though Taeyong knew there was nothing to be done for his wounds? Why? Taeyong thought that it was a condition--a requirement of them possibly working things out. But he had done just that and Jaehyun still wouldn’t come see him. Was it just cruel ruse to get Taeyong to spread his ass open for another stranger?

The boy’s mind is spinning, shame and anguish flooding his system until he finds himself crying right there on the hallway floor.  

 _Why did I ever go to that guy’s house?_ He drops his head into his hands and pulls his knees close to his chest.

 

 

“Taeyong?”

He ducks his head down at the sound of his own name like it’s something hideous.

A hand touches the top of his head. “Tae.”

The boy paws at his face to try and get rid of the evidence before raising his head to the voice. When he cranes his neck to look up, he sees Jaehyun standing over him. “Oh.”

“Are you alright?” Jaehyun questions him, crouching down a bit.

“Yup. Yeah.”

“I saw you running through the food court just now,” he explains.

Taeyong blushes at that. “Oh yeah. No, I’m okay.” He brushes himself off and rises to his feet. When his face comes closer to Jaehyun’s level, the taller boy quirks and eyebrow up in surprise.

“Are you wearing makeup?” His lips quirk up in a half-smile and his eyes sweep across Taeyong’s features with amused interest. Taeyong sighs and looks off bashfully.

“It’s still all bruised so I tried putting some cover-up on it. Looks bad; I know.”

“Nah it’s not that obvious,” Jaehyun assures him. “Look--I’m sorry I didn’t text you back last night but I wasn’t feeling ready to talk yet and I was tired…didn’t know what to say.”

“That’s okay,” Taeyong says at once. He trains his eyes on Jaehyun’s handsome face. It feels like ages since he’s been able to just look at him--just watch him do mundane things around their apartment. Those things used to bore Taeyong but _fuck_ does he miss it now. He gazes into Jaehyun’s eyes as deeply as he dares, trying to read him. Things are different now and it’s not as easy as it was before.

After a few awkward moments have passed, Taeyong pipes up again, asking, “Where have you been staying?” He’s genuinely curious. Neither of them have family in the area and he doubts that Jaehyun has the spare money for an elongated hotel stay. They’re just broke college students.

“My chem lab partner has a spare bed in his quad because their roommate transferred over winter break,” Jaehyun explains, “so he’s been letting me crash there.”

 _Oh._  Taeyong’s mind traces over the possibilities in a flash. So he’s been sleeping in the dorms with other friends? Maybe the guy he was just eating with? Taeyong wants to ask--to solidify that connection in his mind or get the clearance to erase it--but he keeps his mouth shut about it and goes to a more important question.

“Um…are you going to come for your stuff or can we…I mean…” he doesn’t think he should touch Jaehyun even though he’s dying to grab his hand while he bares his soul yet again. “Are you ready to talk? I really, really want to…see if we can…” Get back together? Work it out? It’ll all sound presumptuous coming from him and he knows it. So he lets the words die and doesn’t try to pick it up again, forced to settle on appealing with just his eyes.

Thankfully Jaehyun seems to get the idea. He blinks a few times as he thinks it over. Finally, after what feels like an eternity, he says, “Yeah I’m ready to talk, at least.”

The swell of hope that rushes up into Taeyong’s chest is so warm and filling that he can’t contain an open smile.

“But I’m not going to move back in. Not right now anyways,” Jaehyun says, cutting off the grin with a little motion of his hand. “We actually have a big project due on Friday so I’m fine at Doyoung’s for now. It’s been convenient.”

Doyoung? Oh right, the lab partner turned new roommate. Taeyong suppresses a nervous frown. “Oh--okay,” he agrees, nodding in small, jilted motions. “So, when...?”

“You have class now, right? Why don’t you swing by the room afterward. I don’t think anyone else will be there,” Jaehyun suggests. Taeyong isn’t sure how comfortable he is with talking in Jaehyun’s new living situation rather than in their shared apartment. It seems like a bad sign. But he nibbles on the inside corner of his lip and nods his reluctant agreement. “It’s Room 78 in Jenners,” Jaehyun supplies.

“Okay. I can come be there at 7.”

“Sure.” Jaehyun gives him a handsome, albeit guarded smile and pats the side of his arm. “I’ll see you later. You sure you’re alright?”

There must be a few stray wet streaks on Taeyong’s face from the crying. He wipes at them and forces a more confident expression as he turns to go. “Yeah, I’m fine. Thanks, Jae.”

 

They part ways and Taeyong finds a bite to eat in another food court on campus, closer to his final class of the day. But once he’s sitting in the lecture hall he finds it impossible to concentrate. The food doesn’t taste as good as he thought it would and that old, slow churning nausea is back in the pit of his stomach.

What should he say when they ‘talk’? What will Jaehyun say? What has he been thinking and feeling during this time apart? And why can’t they meet at the apartment? He feels so nervous going to a new place to have this important moment of re-connection. That has to be a bad sign. 

But then again, Jaehyun had remembered his class schedule. So maybe Taeyong is still in his heart, after all. 

By the time class is letting out, he’s bitten his fingernails down to the point of hurting. He’s not normally one to pray, but right now he'll search for help and comfort anywhere he can get it. Folding up his things and preparing for the long walk to Jenners Dorms, he beseeches anyone out there who might be listening, _Please…please just let him give me one more chance._


	12. Chapter 12

He takes a big, long breath to calm himself down and then he knocks.

 

 

Jaehyun comes to the door a moment later in a white tee shirt and those red plaid pajama pants that Taeyong likes. “Hi,” he says simply. He quirks a little smile that is slightly less guarded than it is warm and gestures for Taeyong to follow him in.

It’s a decent sized space for a dorm room, Taeyong thinks. He’s never been in a quad before. Back when he and Jaehyun first came to college they spent a semester in a duo. He looks around nervously, taking everything in. There are a bunch of boys living here; the mess and the various styles of clothing and technology tossed around make that obvious.

“Here’s me,” Jaehyun announces. Taeyong had been looking off in the other direction at a bed with a chemistry textbook on it, but at the sound of Jaehyun’s voice he swivels his head back around to see him already sitting down on the fourth bed in the far corner. Should he sit down beside him? Taeyong hovers, clasping his hands together, unsure.

Jaehyun must see that Taeyong is floating without an anchor because he tries to lighten the mood. “I think the guy transferred because this is the worst spot in the room,” he says. “Whoever bunks on the other side of this wall right here has, like, a punching bag attached to the wall or something. They always start hitting it at like 9:30.”

“Gotta get in that practice when you can, I guess,” Taeyong snorts lightly, amused and appreciative of Jaehyun’s obvious effort. “Is it okay if I sit down?”

Jaehyun pats the bed a few feet away from himself. “Yes, babe. Sit.”

 _Babe?_ Taeyong’s heart leaps within him at that. He tries not to get his hopes up or smile or anything premature. He just sits on the bed and folds his hands in his lap.

“So,” Jaehyun starts after a moment’s pause, “How have you been?”

 _Me?_ Taeyong blinks in surprise. _Why does he care? He should be furious with me._  “I’m---Well, what about you? I thought you were never going to talk to me again.”

Jaehyun’s bottom lip juts out a little bit and he tilts his head, in thought. “Yeah,” he admits with a sigh. He clicks his tongue and shakes his head sharply. “Yup. I thought I was gonna break up with you. I was gonna try to just--I dunno--not talk to you, not text you or anything. Just end it. Clean break.”

Taeyong’s chin droops sadly but he listens without any argument. He knows, deep within his being, that Jaehyun would be well within his rights to have done just that.

“But every time you called or texted me, I felt like I should respond. I know I didn’t always respond,” he clarified quickly, “but I always felt like I should.” He shrugs and offers Taeyong a wry smile, “I guess I still want to be with you.”

Taeyong’s mouth falls open. _Oh my god…_ Can he be serious? “Ah--After I cheated--”

Jaehyun cuts him off with a strong motion of the hand, like he doesn’t want to hear it. “I mean--” he struggles to explain and his body language makes it clear that he does not currently want to discuss Taeyong’s unfaithfulness. Eventually he tries again, saying simply, “You’re my best friend.” He shrugs again and touches Taeyong’s hand on the mattress for a second before pulling away. “Everyone makes mistakes.”

Taeyong is stunned silent. He searches his boyfriend’s face with confusion and hesitance. This seems…far too easy. He expected Jaehyun to cuss him out or worse: cry. He wants to get yelled at for being such a terrible person. Why…why isn’t Jaehyun more angry?

He just can’t understand.

Jaehyun knows him well. He can read Taeyong’s total lack of comprehension like an open book. “Look, you were honest with me from the get go and I appreciate that. This was a one time thing, right? You haven’t been seeing him for awhile?”

“No, no,” Taeyong assures him at once. “It’s exactly like I told you. And I deleted that stupid app and I haven’t talked to him again. And I never will, I swear.”

“I believe you.”

 _How can he believe me so easily? How can he possibly trust me?_ Taeyong’s gaze dips off as his mind tries to make sense of this. He is being one-hundred percent genuine but why should Jaehyun believe him now after he betrayed him like that?

“You still love me?”

Taeyong’s head pops up, his gaze slamming into Jaehyun’s with a pang. It feels like the first time that they have _really_  looked at each other in weeks.

“Do you still love me?” Jaehyun asks again. He sounds soft and sincere and it makes Taeyong want to just melt into his arms. But he’s afraid.

It’s just too good to be true!

“Yes,” he says as sincerely as he can. ‘Yes, I still you love you, Jae.”

“Alright. The I’ll come back home on Saturday morning,” Jaehyun says, as if it’s somehow simple. He reaches out to touch Taeyong’s hand once again and this time he gives it a gentle squeeze.

Home. Their home. The home that Taeyong shares with his boyfriend Jaehyun. He can hardly breathe but a smile is growing and spreading over his face anyway as Jaehyun holds his hand. He thought that all of that would be ancient history. “Really?” 

“Yes, babe,” Jaehyun rubs his thumb up and down one of the tendons on Taeyong’s hand. “But there’s one thing I need you to do for me.”

“What?” Whatever it is, Taeyong doesn’t care. He said he would do anything to get Jaehyun to forgive him and he means it.

“I want you to go to a counselor,” Jaehyun says seriously. He holds Taeyong’s thin hand even tighter. “There’s free counseling in the student center. You need to go talk to someone about everything that happened. And about your masochism. What you did was very dangerous and… _selfish_ ,” he adds emphatically, “and I know you and I don’t think that’s who you are. So. Yeah. You have to go to counseling this week before I come home. And that’s just a start, alright? After everything you told me, I just really want you to get some help.”

Taeyong scrapes his teeth over his upper lip. It’s uncomfortable to hear. He has always been very protective of his proclivities and the idea that he might need counseling to discuss them seemed offensive before. But now, after all of the idiotic mistakes that he has made, he is starting to think that Jaehyun might have been right all along. Maybe he wasn’t right in the head.

“Okay. I’ll go.”

“Good.” Jaehyun lets go of Taeyong’s hand and pulls him into a gentle hug. His body feels so right wrapped around him--softly pressed against Taeyong’s thin frame and holding him close. It’s so safe and wonderful. It’s so much more than Taeyong deserves.

And he knows it.

“Will you call me after you go the first time?”

“Sure,” Taeyong agrees as they pull apart. When Jaehyun flashes him an open smile, Taeyong let’s himself feel real hope for the first time. Maybe they don’t have to break up after all.

Just then, the sound of the door opening grabs both of their attention. Jaehyun’s eyes avert form Taeyong’s face and the smaller boy mirrors the motion, craning his whole head around to see the new person. “Hi,” they call from the entrance. There is a small space near the door that is out of view from Jaehyun’s bed. They can hear him taking his shoes off before he comes in any further.

“Hey, Doyoung,” Jaehyun returns.

The familiar name makes Taeyong perk up to full attention. He straights up and watches with interest as the other student rounds the corner and comes into view. He’s a tall, thin boy with a rather long face, but Taeyong would say that he is objectively attractive. Doyoung flashes Jaehyun a warm smile and then looks at Taeyong.

“Ooo who’s this?”

“Doyoung, this is Taeyong.”

“Oh, your roommate?” Doyoung says, as if they’d spoken of him before. He shoots Taeyong a big grin and half a wave. Jaehyun makes some reply and the two of them go on with small talk, but Taeyong’s brain is hung up right there.

 

Roommate? Jaehyun told him that he was just a roommate?

 

“So let’s get to work then, Jae? I want to sleep early; I have that test at 8am.” Doyoung says a little louder, his voice cutting into Taeyong’s thoughts. “Nice to meet you, Taeyong.”

Taeyong looks over at him and smiles halfheartedly. It’s only when he looks back at Jaehyun and finds his boyfriend staring back at him that Taeyong realizes they want him to leave. “Oh yeah, ok,” Taeyong rises from the edge of the bed in a hurry, suddenly feeling uncomfortable all over again although he's not entirely sure why. “Uh…” he waves at Jaehyun and starts toward the door. “Ok, nice meeting you, Doyoung. Good luck on your project, guys.”

“Yup, thanks,” Doyoung says, not really listening. He has already grabbed the chemistry book off of his own bed and plops down on Jaehyun’s--exactly where Taeyong had been a moment before.

Taeyong lets his gaze linger awkwardly on the two of them for another second before saying, “Bye, Jae, I’ll call you.” Then he disappears around the corner and leaves with a growing swirl of insecurity in his tummy.

 

* * *

 

Thursday is a blur. Taeyong spends the entire day either in class, catching up on missed assignments, or cleaning around the apartment to prepare for Jaehyun’s return home.

 

On Friday, he goes to the Free Counseling Office at the Student Center.

He has never come anywhere near this area of campus before but he gets emails from the Student Center all the time. They hold lots of free events like yoga classes and tea parties to help the students de-stress before exams.

For Taeyong, the idea of needing silly distractions and fluffy chat sessions to sort out your feelings has always seemed…well…kind of  _weak _.__  He never understood why other people couldn’t just work through their own problems or learn to live with and love themselves, strange bits and all. But now--after making such a spectacularly bad decision while doing just that--he’s finally starting to open his mind to the idea that there’s nothing shameful about seeking help, even if you don’t think that you have a ‘problem’ per say.

He has made an appointment via email with someone named Will. Taeyong definitely prefers to talk to a guy if he has to talk to anyone at all, but he isn’t planning on sharing too many details about anything.

“I have an appointment,” he tells the lady at the front desk. The Counseling Center looks like a mix between a pediatricians office and a lobby at Google. There are strange, futuristic looking orange chairs in a circle by the coffee machine that couldn't possibly be comfortable. 

“With whom?”

“Um, Will?” 

She smiles politely and points toward a door on the left, about twenty feet further into the office space. “Yes. He’s expecting you. You can go on in.” Taeyong thanks her and crosses the space in five long strides. He feels a little nervous. After all, he’s never had counseling before. Despite the lady’s insinuation that he is expected, the door is closed all the way.

__Well…here goes. I told Jae I’d do it so…yup._ _

 

 

He takes a big, long breath to calm himself down and then he knocks.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ya'll thought ;)

“So? How was it?” Jaehyun’s voice over the phone asks. Taeyong is walking back to the bus stop with a coffee in one hand and the other holding his phone up to his ear.

“It wasn’t bad,” he muses. Honestly it was not anywhere near as uncomfortable or invasive as he had anticipated that counseling would be. “The guy I met with was cool. He’s this black guy--pretty tall guy, maybe late thirties, forties--apparently he’s been volunteering in the Center for like 20 years, ever since he finished his Master’s here.”

“Is everyone there a volunteer?”

“Oh no, I don’t think he’s a volunteer anymore. I meant he _started_ volunteering way back then and at some point they must have hired him. He had a name plaque thing on his desk and his own office.”

“Ahhh,” Jaehyun sighs in understanding. “Hopefully that means he knew how to get you to talk? You can be pretty damn cagey when you don’t feel like communicating,” he teases him. It is true, though, and Taeyong realizes that now.

“Um…I don’t think I talked as much as he wanted me to, but I definitely talked,” he chuckles, taking a sip of the hot coffee. The he thinks to add, “But I liked him a lot, so I made another appointment. Same time next week.” Slipping his backpack off of his shoulder, Taeyong takes a seat on the bus stop bench and hopes that Jaehyun is pleased.

He __did__  like the counselor and the session wasn’t bad, but he’s still mostly doing this for Jaehyun.

 

* * *

 

As promised, Jaehyun returns to the apartment the following day. He waltzes in the front door with an overstuffed backpack and a head cold.

“What’s wrong with you? You’re sick?” Taeyong asks. He can’t contain the smile that spreads across his face, though. To have Jaehyun back in the house is such an incredible relief. Being in their space alone for the past two and a half weeks felt like solitary confinement in a cell full of ghosts.

“No, I’m okay,” Jaehyun returns. He stoops down to peel off his sneakers and then he makes for the stairs. “Are you hungry? I’m gonna unpack and let’s eat?”

“Uh…” There isn’t much to eat in the house. Taeyong tidied up and made himself look nice in preparation for his boyfriend’s return, but he completely forgot to go shopping. He hasn’t been too hungry, anyway. “I don’t know what we have--” Jaehyun is already half way up the stairs so Taeyong follows him, saying, “We might have to go out.”

“Let’s just scrounge something up here,” Jaehyun argues, tossing his backpack onto their bed. Taeyong had spent at least ten minutes trying to make it up nice--tucking the blankets in like his mother used to do for him. “I don’t feel like going out again. It’s really freaking cold.”

“Okay.” Taeyong really doesn’t care one way or the other, he just wants to have dinner with his boyfriend again. It feels like it’s been ages since they simply sat and ate together.

In front of him, Jaehyun is busy unpacking his things from the book bag. There are half a dozen textbooks of various thickness that he lays out on the bed, a few loose papers that need straightening, and a big clump of clothing.

When Jaehyun tosses it on the ground instead of the bed, some articles spread out and Taeyong notices a shirt that he’s totally unfamiliar with. He looks at it curiously. In fact, most of the clothes in the messy pile aren’t things that Taeyong has ever seen in Jaehyun’s closet. “What clothes are those?” he asks through a smile, trying to sound completely casual. But inside he feels…weird. Why would Jaehyun need to buy a bunch of new clothes?

“Huh?” Jaehyun is busy repacking the books and papers into his backpack in some convoluted order.

Taeyong crouches down and grabs a shirt out of the pile, holding it up to give it a more thorough inspection. It’s not even Jaehyun’s usual style. “Where’d you get these clothes? Are they new?”

Jaehyun finally glances back over his shoulder to see what Taeyong is on about. “Oh. Yeah, no. Those are Doyoung’s,” he says nonchalantly. “I didn’t really take anything with me when I left so he lent me some stuff when I needed it.”

Taeyong crinkles his brow. “That’s…nice of him.”

Jaehyun snorts lightly, seeming completely unaware of Taeyong’s unease. “I think I wore the same pair of pants for two weeks straight. Only his shirts fit me. Anyway, I said I would wash them before I give ‘em back because he has to pay for laundry at the dorms, so…” he shrugs and zips up his backpack, all finished.

“That’s nice of you.”

Jaehyun puffs out his chest in a cheeky way and teases, “What can I say? I’m a nice guy.” He takes the shirt out of Taeyong’s hands and scoops up the rest of the pile from the floor, crossing the room to toss it in their shared hamper.

 

* * *

 

On Sunday morning they wake up late. Taeyong slept a thousand times better with Jaehyun in the bed beside him, and although there was no cuddling or physical affection to speak of (besides a mild, goodnight peck) Taeyong was simply _grateful _.__

In the afternoon, they decide to brave the cold and go grocery shopping. With nothing much in the house, they had been reduced to eating peanut butter sandwiches for dinner the night before, so the boys throw on their warmest clothes and take the bus to the nearest store.

“Which one?” Taeyong asks, holding up two different flavors of pop-tarts for Jaehyun to choose from.

 

He doesn’t answer straight away because he’s busy on his phone.

 

“Jae, you want strawberry frosted or cinnamon sugar?”

“Uhhhh…” Jaehyun elongates the noise as he finishes typing and sending his text. Finally, he looks up to see Taeyong and the options. “Strawberry frosted.” Taeyong tosses it into the cart and they move on.

Once the shopping is done, they travel back to the apartment via uncomfortable bus, both heavy laden with plastic grocery bags. It’s difficult to unlock and open the front door with so much baggage but they manage it. As soon as the door shuts behind them, Jaehyun dumps the goods from his designated bags on the counter and disappears into the bathroom.

 _He is definitely quieter than usual,_ Taeyong decides as he puts the groceries away. He can’t say that this is a surprise. Regardless of how willing Jaehyun is to work on things, he must still feel very hurt and betrayed. Taeyong knows that it will likely take a long time before things can return to the way they used to be--if ever.

And it’s that last bit that scares him the most.

 

* * *

 

On Monday night, Taeyong feels a little brave. Jaehyun came home from school and hopped right in the shower without much fanfare.

Taeyong plans to join him.

He’s nervous, yes, but he pushes that feeling down and enters the steamy bathroom, shedding his clothes in a heap beside the sink. “Jae?” he says, as alluring and soft as he can manage with his heart thumping up in his throat. “Can I come in?”

“Yeah, come on in,” Jaehyun chirps back. The sound of spraying water bouncing off of his body and the surface of the tub muffled his voice. Peeling back the shower curtain, Taeyong sticks a thin ankle inside for a moment before he fully steps in.

It is hot and steamy in the bathroom, hot water raining down over Jaehyun’s tall, naked form. His back is to Taeyong and the water runs down over his shoulders, beading up on his biceps where it has splashed. _He looks so gorgeous _,__  Taeyong thinks appreciatively. His eyes trace over the lengths of Jaehyun’s back and down to his legs in near reverence. His boyfriend has always had a great body. When they were much younger, Taeyong used to be jealous of it.

When he’s finished rinsing the suds out of his hair, Jaehyun finally turns around. “Hi,” Taeyong says in a cute small voice. Jaehyun gives a weary smile--perhaps tired from a long day of classes?--and puts his hands on Taeyong’s shoulders. A steady line of hot water starts running from Jaehyun’s wrists and splashing onto Taeyong’s bare thighs and the tops of his feet below.

Without a word, Jaehyun’s hands press on Taeyong’s shoulders to turn him around.

 

Taeyong blinks at the white shower wall that’s suddenly in front of him and takes a shaky breath. For a moment, he isn’t sure what his boyfriend is thinking, but then the taller boy cups a hand around the side of Taeyong’s hip and pushes him just a tad bit more--forcefully, gently--to put his body at a good distance for viewing.

 _Oh._ Taeyong can _feel_ Jaehyun’s eyes on him from behind--looking him up and down--examining the remaining damage. He knows that it looks a hundred times better than it did three weeks ago, but it still hasn’t healed fully. There are splotchy yellow-green bruises remaining here and there, along with the scabs from where the skin broke. He expects that they will go away soon, but for the moment he is still carrying around the physical evidence like a scarlet letter.

Jaehyun’s serious sigh cuts through Taeyong’s haze of building shame. “You know, if this is what you wanted all along, then you were right. I could never hurt you like that.” He sounds particularly bitter about that fact, which makes Taeyong’s heart start thudding apprehensively.

“No, I didn’t. I don’t. That was so far beyond--” His words are choked away when Jaehyun cups the meaty bit of both of his ass cheeks and spreads them just so to examine his hole, yet again.

“That’s exactly what I was always afraid of with you being into---what you’re into,” Jaehyun says. He looks but does not touch, and a moment later he lets go of Taeyong’s bum and grabs his hand instead, guiding him back around to meet his gaze. “You seemed like you always just wanted more and more. And I was afraid that once we started pushing it further you would never want to stop. Whereas I know that I have limits.”

Jaehyun tries to let go of Taeyong’s hand now that he is facing him, but Taeyong won’t let go. He curls his fingers tightly around Jaehyun’s until the taller boy settles into the embrace.

“Like punching?” Taeyong asks after a minute of quiet with nothing but the shower noise to fill the space.

“Yes, punching for one. Leaving _that many_  bruises on you,” he shakes his head, remembering the horrible sight when he had seen the damage the first time. “Those were bad, Taeyong.”

Taeyong nods in agreement. He knows very intimately how bad they were--how frightening they looked and how incredibly painful they were. He could barely sit for the first week! In fact, just thinking back to that time with any real depth has him feeling cold and yucky all over. Still holding on to Jaehyun’s hand, Taeyong slips around the side to join him in the stream of hot water.

They are close now--bare, wet skin faintly brushing and pressing up against one another as the warmth floods over Taeyong and soothes his nerves. Jaehyun looks down at him for a moment, looking deeply troubled. He bends his neck to press a soft kiss on Taeyong’s forehead.

“I  _hate_  thinking about some guy making you bleed like that,” he mummers, his wet lips still barely kissing Taeyong’s skin: a faint tickle of touch. “I could never make you bleed on purpose.”

He doesn’t have to spell it out; Taeyong can read between the lines well enough to know that Jaehyun is speaking about his bloodied hole. “I don’t want you to,” Taeyong breathes. They’re so close that neither one needs to speak up. The sad little blush that lights up his cheeks goes unnoticed thanks to the heat of the shower. “I didn’t want that to happen, you know.”

Jaehyun nods before he pulls away and Taeyong can feel the motion. “I know. I believe you.”

He doesn’t apologize, though. He doesn’t tell Taeyong that he feels bad or that it shouldn’t have happened that way. And that important void is not lost on the smaller boy. __I_ t’s still my fault, regardless,_ he thinks, looking down at the bottom of the tub in silence. _I still went over there. I still gave him a blow job. I still cheated on Jae; I can’t expect anything different._

 A few moments later, Jaehyun gets out of the shower. He had already finished washing before Taeyong got in. 

 

* * *

 

On Tuesday they go to the movies after their last classes. Jaehyun wants to see an action movie so they buy tickets accordingly, but once they’re in the theater Jaehyun seems to be paying little attention to the film.

He keeps checking his phone and texting someone. The glow of the screen is distracting to Taeyong, but not nearly as much as his suspicious thoughts are. Jaehyun has never been one to be on his phone so much when they are together.

“Who were you texting during the movie? Damn,” he asks through the guise of a laugh and a playful elbow once the credits have stopped rolling.

“Doyoung,” Jaehyun answers. He flashes Taeyong half a smile--the only indication that he caught on to the playful teasing. Or maybe he just sees through it.

 _Him again?_ Taeyong is getting agitated by the name repetition.“More chem stuff?”

“Yeah,” Jaehyun says lightly. But something in his body language sets Taeyong on edge. They’ve known each other for years. He can tell.

 

He’s lying.

 

* * *

 

Wednesday is dull. Class. Assignments. Waiting at the bus stop.

They eat out and Jaehyun gets a food coma. He passes out on the couch, leaving Taeyong wide awake and bored beside him with a Netflix marathon streaming on the television, no end in sight. It’s only 8pm.

_Bzzzz. Bz. Bz._

It’s the strange pattern of the vibrations that catches Taeyong’s attention more than anything else. His eyes snap to Jaehyun’s phone on autopilot. It’s balanced on the edge of the coffee table barely two feet away. He glances sideways at his sleeping boyfriend and then leans forward a hair just to see who is messaging him with an assigned, personal vibration pattern.

 

**Doyoung    “You should probably just tell him. That would make this a lot easier. Lol”  8:23pm**

 

He goes stiff as a board and then leans back with a jerk.

The sudden motion rouses Jaehyun momentarily. “What?” he asks, alarmed and half asleep. He blinks blearily, rolling his neck to peer at Taeyong in confusion. “Oh shit. I fell asleep.” With an apologetic smile, Jaehyun fumbles through the throw blanket in search of Taeyong’s hand. He can’t find it so he grabs a meaty spot on his thigh, instead. “Sorry, babe,” he mumbles, already fall back asleep.

A moment later he is unconscious on Taeyong’s leg.

 

* * *

 

Thursday morning comes too early after a long, sleepless night for Taeyong. He walks to the bathroom like a zombie and brushes his teeth in front of the mirror, eyes completely vacant.

_Is he cheating on me?_

It would make sense. All of the distractions, sleeping in that dorm room for longer than he had to--even after they talked--coming home with a crap load of that guy Doyoung’s clothes--

“G’morning.” Jaehyun comes barreling into the bathroom in a rush. He grabs his toothbrush and a squirt of toothpaste, sticking the brush in his mouth without even wetting it first and spitting after only 20 seconds or so. He’s a whirlwind. A second later, he’s peeing.

“Morning,” Taeyong echoes blankly.

“Sorry. I’m late.” Jaehyun zips his pants and kisses Taeyong on the cheek, already running back out the door.

“Okay, bye,” Taeyong says. He doesn’t speak up very loud, not expecting Jaehyun to really hear him, but the other boy shouts back from the front hall,

“I’ll see you after class! I love you!” And then the door slams shut behind him.

Taeyong finally spits in the sink and rinses his mouth. When he straightens up again, he comes face to face with himself in the mirror. He frowns at his reflection, mind chugging along sluggishly, over saturated with worry and insecurities.

He feels like he can’t ask. He doesn’t deserve to ask, he thinks. Not after he did it first.

 

* * *

 

“So what I’m hearing you say is that you do not trust yourself.”

Taeyong blinks at Will, stunned. He didn’t say any of those words and yet, the counselor is exactly right. Of course Taeyong doesn’t trust himself anymore. In retrospect, he made an incredibly stupid, obvious mistake. Not only that, but the things that he thought he wanted turned out to be nothing like he had imagined.

“Um…I guess I don’t.” It feels strange to admit that out loud, but Will is right. The older man leans back in his swivel chair and nods.

“That’s not necessarily a bad thing, Taeyong. Second guessing ourselves can be helpful, but you don’t want to become so anxious that you can never make decisions or move forward with anything. Everyone makes mistakes.”

 _Not like me,_  he thinks wryly. _How many people have you counseled who have fantasized about getting the shit beat out of them and getting used and fucked by mean people who just objectify them and want to humiliate them? And then on top of it--how many of those crazy people have you counseled who actually put themselves in that situation and ended up hating it?_

__

“Why don’t you say what you’re thinking, Taeyong?” Will says, breaking into his thoughts. Taeyong looks up hesitantly. He doesn’t want to share. It’s so embarrassing, but the counselor has a way about him that appeals to Taeyong’s submissive side. He’s very authoritative and very caring at the same time. He really listens.

Still, he can’t bring himself to explain all of that shit right now, so he diverts to appear agreeable. “I think my partner might be cheating on me but…I cheated first and he took me back,” he grimaces at the admission and has to divert his eyes from the counselor’s wise gaze. “I regret it. I feel really bad about it and I don’t…understand…how he could take me back. So,” he shrugs to try and lessen the heaviness in his chest at speaking these things out loud. “I don’t know. I’m suspicious. But I feel like I’m not allowed to question him after he took me back.”

“I think you should second guess that.”

Taeyong just blinks at him, uncomprehending. Will leans forward with his elbows on the desk.

“Communication is the most important thing in any relationship of any kind. That and respect. I’m sure you know that, Taeyong.”

Taeyong can’t stop himself from blushing. It seems like a pointed comment. Clearly he had failed spectacularly in both of those areas when he chose to cheat on his loving boyfriend for an ass-kicking.

“You regret it. You learned. Did you not?”

“Yes, sir,” Taeyong returns, fighting to raise embarrassingly teary eyes at the man once more.

“He forgave you. He made an individual decision to take you back because he must care about you a lot. Right?”

“Yes, sir.”

Will shrugs like it’s simple, but his brown eyes bore into Taeyong with an intensely warm wisdom. “Then you need to go back to square one.” He brushes his hands together like he’s shaking off dust, explaining, “The past is the past. _But _-__ -don’t accuse him just because you’re feeling insecure. You said that you regret your past actions? So you are experiencing a lot of guilt. Acting out of guilt is never a good place to be, Taeyong. Second guess that all day.”

 


	14. Chapter 14

_“Don’t_  look at me; look at the ground. dumbass.”

Taeyong’s gaze trails back down to the space between his knees before it can focus on anything. There is a fog of confusion over him, making him feel slow and heavy. He blinks slowly at his thighs. When did he take his pants off?

A socked foot reaches out into his field of vision and prods at his cock--pitifully soft and small between his legs. He feels nothing.

“Why would you ever think that he would take you back?”

Taeyong feels a little rush of heat spreading over his clammy thighs. As if by magic, the outline of a welt comes curling around his inner leg and into view.

“Who would ever want to be with a dirty, rotten cheater like you? You did it once, you’ll do it again.”

He wouldn’t! He’ll never do it again! It was the worst mistake of his life! Taeyong tries to open his mouth to argue but suddenly a rough hand reaches round his face and squashes the words along with his lips.

“Nothing you say matters,” someone hisses directly into his ear, “ _whore_.”

The violent tickle of angry breath seems to go straight into Taeyong’s brain. A spike of pain stabs through the middle of his head so harshly that everything turns white.

 

 

Taeyong wakes with a jolt.

 

He is blinded by panic for several moments, sputtering weakly into his pillow as he tries to remember where he is and what is happening.

“Tae?” Jaehyun’s sleepy voice is only inches away from him in the darkness. “What’s wrong?”

 _Jaehyun._  Taeyong zips his lips together in a thin line and tries to stop crying. He doesn’t remember starting but his entire face feels wet with tears.

“Are you alright? What’s wrong, babe?” Jaehyun pulls Taeyong’s thin body close under the covers and wraps his arms around him. At first, Taeyong is stiff under the familiar touch of human hands, but then he remembers who they belong to and he stills into the embrace.

“N-nothing,” he stammers unconvincingly. “Just a nightmare.”

“Mmm.” Jaehyun curls his legs in a bit to fit as snugly as possible around Taeyong’s back body. “Do you wanna talk about it?”

He most certainly does not. Being as physically close as they are, Taeyong simply shakes his head, knowing that his boyfriend will feel it. They snuggle close as Taeyong calms himself down. A few minutes later, Jaehyun has drifted off to sleep once more and Taeyong’s wide eyes stare into black nothing--the wetness of old tears still drying on his face.

 

* * *

 

An uneventful week passes just the same as the last.

Taeyong has been working hard to catch up on all of the course work that he missed and Jaehyun was similarly focused on his classes. They spend the morning and evenings together at home, trying to pick things up where they left off.

But it is different, now. There’s just no way around it.

And it doesn’t help that Jaehyun is far more preoccupied with his cell phone than ever before. Despite (or perhaps because of) the counselors advice, Taeyong has decided not to confront Jaehyun about anything until he is certain that it isn’t just his insecurities talking. If there is one thing that Will has succeeded in communicating to Taeyong, it’s that he is right to take the time to really think before acting.

“How are things going at school? Are you feeling any less anxious lately?” Will asks as they wrap up their third session.

He had been doing a little better but the nightmare definitely set him back again. “Mostly.”

“That’s good to hear.”

Will pencils him in for another appointment at the same time next week and Taeyong heads out.

He’s barely ten feet out of the office when his phone rings.

 

“Hi Tae!” says Jaehyun through the receiver. It sounds loud where he is but his chipper voice comes through clear. “Are you still at school? Can you do me a favor?”

“Sure. What’s up.”

“I was at Doyoung’s before and I left my wallet. He said you could come grab it for me on your way home. Would you mind getting it real quick?”

Taeyong’s steps falter in the exit. He’s not thrilled. “Yeah. Ok. Where’s his room again?” He can’t really say no without being selfish but he’s not going to sound happy about it either.

“Room 78 in Jenners Complex.”

“M’kay.”

“Thank you, babe,” Jaehyun says cheerfully.

“Tell him I’m coming now so he’ll be there.”

They hang up and Taeyong diverts for the dorms instead of the bus stop. Doyoung is waiting for him--alerted ahead of time via text--and he opens the door only a few seconds after Taeyong’s short knock. “Jae said he left his wallet,” Taeyong announces without a smile as soon as Doyoung appears in the door frame.

“Oh yeah.” Doyoung makes a welcoming gesture and goes back into the room. He probably expects Taeyong to follow him, but he doesn’t. “I’ll grab it.”

Taeyong hovers in the door and watches the other boy rummage around through some things on his bed. _On his bed _,__  he thinks as an angry look starts to surface on his face. _He obviously knew I was coming. He should have had it ready to just hand off at the door._

“Here you go,” Doyoung says, coming back around to the entrance with Jaehyun’s wallet in hand. He extends it to Taeyong. Taeyong grabs the edge of the material to take it from Doyoung’s hand, but the other boy doesn’t let go right away. Instead, he smiles when Taeyong meets his eyes and says, “Sorry I wasn’t really talkative last time you were here. I was in a big hurry. I had a bunch of things--”

“It’s fine,” Taeyong says quickly, cutting him off. He gives a soft tug on the wallet and it comes out of Doyoung’s hand easily.

“Well, Jaehyun told me that you guys are together,” Doyoung adds before Taeyong can leave. “I didn’t know. I would have been more friendly…you know.” He gives a small, pleasant smile and shrugs apologetically.

“Whatever. It’s fine,” Taeyong nods his thanks and turns away. He’s itching to go. Before Doyoung can get another word in, he’s already half way down the hall.

 

* * *

 

He tries not to be mad--there’s nothing to be mad about, after all. Jaehyun’s request was reasonable, Doyoung was pleasant, and there’s no real evidence on the contrary, so he knows that doesn’t have any real right to be angry--but he can’t keep the agitated frown off of his face when he arrives home with the wallet.

“Thanks, babe,” Jaehyun gives him an exaggerated kiss on the cheek like they’re an old married couple. But then he notices. “Hey, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

He goes into the kitchen to evade conversation and get some water, but Jaehyun follows him at a leisurely pace, calling, “Therapy pissed you off?”

He snaps a little; he can’t help it. “It’s not _fucking_  therapy, Jae. It’s just counseling. Just talk.” He snatches the big jug of water off the first shelf and tosses the fridge door shut behind it.

“Yikes. Okay.” Jaehyung leans against the kitchen wall and crosses his arms. “What happened?”

“Nothing.”

 

He refuses to elaborate on his misplaced feelings and decides to just repress them instead. Eventually, Jaehyun gives up pressing for an answer and they go about their evening as normal. The charade works. Around 7:30, Taeyong has pushed his insecurities down so far that he temporarily forgets about them.

That is, until Jaehyun’s steady phone distractions remind him.

His boyfriend looks particularly engrossed in whatever messages he is receiving today. Every time his phone buzzes, he checks it and responds immediately. Plus, he seems to be very invested in whatever conversation is taking place because he completely loses his train of thought after responding to each beck and call of the notifications.

“Come on. Who are you texting?” Taeyong complains after a few hours of internal stewing. They are watching Jeopardy and playing Sorry! on the living room floor over microwave dinners, but Jaehyun keeps experiencing momentary distractions. And Doyoung’s personalized vibration pattern is a dead give away.

“Sorry,” Jaehyun sighs as he finishes typing and hits send in a rush. Taeyong does not miss the fact that he closes the screen and puts the phone face down on the carpet beside his leg. He thinks for a moment, moves his Sorry! piece, and then explains, “We have a group project thing and my group is a hot mess.”

It’s so obvious to Taeyong that he’s lying that he has to bite the side of his tongue to keep from calling Jaehyun out. If he was stewing before, he is seething now.

So naturally, when Jaehyun runs to the bathroom during a commercial break, Taeyong jumps on the first vibration. He knows he shouldn’t and his hands are trembling with a mix of unpleasant emotions as he reaches out for the phone, but he just has to know at this point. It’s been long enough.

 

Taeyong doesn’t want to risk opening the message, so he just reads the message preview in the notification,

 

 

**Doyoung    “And this might be tmi lol but it’s pretty hot if you hook your finger inside the rim and just massage the inside really gently and then…”   8:16pm**

****

 

 _Fuck _…__  Taeyong’s mind goes blank and for a moment, nothing exists but those words. Sex words. His heart sinks. That's...proof. 

All of the anger and frustration that has been building inside of him melts away in an instant. His shoulders slump forward, he hangs his head, his tense fingers soften around his boyfriend’s phone as it melts, melts, melts--dissolving into a pool of sadness deep in his guts. He bites his lip as hot, defeated tears spring into his eyes.

In another part of the house, the toilet flushes. Alex Trebek is saying something on the TV but it’s just white noise to Taeyong. The screen shuts off and he doesn’t bother turning it back on. He’s seen enough.

He doesn’t put the phone back in it’s place across the Sorry! board either. It’s still held loosely in his hands when Jaehyun jogs back into the room. “Okay, my turn?” Jaehyun gets halfway into the living room and then stalls in the middle of the carpet. “What…?” He must take it all in--his phone, Taeyong’s altered posture, and when the smaller boy looks up: his tears-- Jaehyun crinkles his brow in alarm. “What?”

Taeyong raises miserable eyes on his boyfriend, meaning to come right out with it, but he can’t make himself talk.

Jaehyun stares at him for a moment and then sighs. “What are you doing with my phone, babe? Seriously?” He’s not mad, per say. He sounds tired and frustrated more than anything else.

“Seriously? You--you’ve been ignoring me all week!” Taeyong chokes out defensively. “And lying about it! What was I supposed to do?”

“Not snoop,” he retorts, like it’s the most obvious answer in the world.

That’s it. Taeyong can’t hold anything in anymore. He’s practically beside himself as he starts to break down all over again. “Well, I’m sorry. I’m sorry!” He tosses the phone across the carpet and balls his hands into fists atop his thighs, starting to cry in earnest. “I’m sorry! I’m sorry I fucked up! I know that I cheated on you. I know I’m a shit boyfriend, okay? I’m sorry!”

“Taeyong--” Jaehyun tries to stop him, but he is drowned out.

“But you don’t have to--I mean-- _fuck_ , Jae, I already felt bad. You didn’t have to lie to me like this! Did you just---did you just get back with me because--?” His cries build until he’s near sobbing so he screws his mouth shut to stifle the emotion.

“Taeyong, stop. Alright. Relax for five seconds and talk to me.” Jaehyun’s voice is relatively soft but he is stern at the same time. He takes a few steps in Taeyong’s direction and hovers, hands on his hips. “Tae.”

Taeyong mumbles through his tears, “D-did you like him before I--? Or did you just get with him afterward?”

Jaehyun is silent for a moment. Then, sounding stunned, “Are you serious?” Taeyong’s only reply is a weak sob. Jaehyun sighs heavily and rubs a hand back through his hair, almost at a loss. When Taeyong fails to make any reply in the long pause, Jaehyun gets little angry. “Are you seriously asking me if I’m cheating on you right now?”

“Uh!” Taeyong squawks indignantly. He shoots him a tortured glare and points at the discarded phone, still lying untouched near Jaehyun’s feet. “Explain that text then!”  

Jaehyun stoops to grab his phone and takes a look at the message in silence, but as he reads, his face softens ever so slightly. “Taeyong, this is not what it looks like,” he says after a moment.

Taeyong shakes his head at the floor. “Please don’t lie to me. I know what I did and I’m sorry, but please don’t lie.”

“I’m not lying.” Jaehyun crosses the space between them in a few long strides and crouches down in front of the smaller boy. “Taeyong, look at me.”

Taeyong bites his lip, working to quiet his crying as Jaehyun nears, but he can’t look up at his boyfriend.

“Look at me, babe.”

When he still refuses to raise his head, Jaehyun grabs his hand and gives it a shake. He makes his voice more authoritative and demands, “Taeyong. Stop this. Look at me.”

He doesn’t want to--he’s hanging on by a thread--but he can’t say no to him. He raises wet eyes and meets Jaehyun’s gaze somewhere in the middle.

“I am not cheating on you with Doyoung or anyone else,” Jaehyun says seriously. “Honestly, I’m a little pissed off that you would even think that after everything. But seeing the text; I understand.”

Taeyong doesn’t know how to respond or what to think. What else could all of this have been about? What else could that text possibly mean? His lips part slightly in confusion and a few stray tears curl into his mouth. “Then w-what…? I don’t get it. You’ve been talking to him--about him--non-stop!”

Jaehyun sighs again. He gives half a nod, admitting, “Yeah. I’m sorry. It’s a whole thing. But I’m not interested in him. It’s all--” he cuts off suddenly and jiggles Taeyong’s wrist again until his fist softens. Then he intertwines their fingers and gives Taeyong’s hand a firm squeeze. “I love _you_ , babe. I only want to be with _you_ , alright? You have to believe me.”

Instead of being comforted, Taeyong starts crying even harder. He is feeling so many things all at once--it's too hard to make sense of it all and he's drowning in it. 

“Aw, babe…it's okay.” Jaehyun pulls his weepy boyfriend into his arms and gives him a strong hug. He rubs his hand up and down Taeyong’s back until the boy begins to soften into him and the crying grows quiet. “It’s okay. Trust me--that text--it’s nothing like that. I can explain everything.” He cups Taeyong’s chin and lifts his thin face up. “Don’t you trust me?”

Taeyong’s eyes dip off to the left, ashamed to admit, “I don’t know. I just…I don’t know what to think.” He has always trusted Jaehyun before. Why should now be any different? He meets Jaehyun’s dark chocolate eyes once more and the words from counseling come back into his mind. Maybe it’s just his own insecurities and guilt talking.

“Taeyong,” Jaehyun practically whispers, only inches away. “I am not cheating on you. I love you. I forgave you already, okay? I mean all of that. Trust me, babe.”

Taeyong thinks for a moment, nibbling on his lip rather grossly as he frets. He can bring himself to believe the first two, but that last one is a problem. “It’s too easy,” he mumbles. “You can’t just forgive me. I-- I--”

Jaehyun interrupts him with force. “I forgive you.” He grabs Taeyong face and plants a sloppy kiss on his mouth. “I forgive you.” The next kiss is gentler--his plump lips softly soaking up the tears on Taeyong’s mouth. “I forgave you already and I forgive you again. Stop apologizing; it just makes me mad.” He pokes the tip of Taeyong’s nose and gives him a small smile.

Taeyong’s head bobbles awkwardly--something between a nod and a shake of the head--still struggling to get there. Jaehyun looks at him for a moment and then, suddenly, something changes in his face.

Taeyong has never been one to talk things through or over-communicate. He’s more of the kiss-and-make-up type. They’ve been going about this all wrong.

Jaehyun cups his boyfriend’s face in both hands and looks deeply into his eyes. “Let me fuck you.”

Taeyong blinks in surprise and two fat tears roll down his cheeks. _Really?_ He'd like nothing more than to go back to the way things used to be. It's been ages since his boyfriend has really touched him and he's felt afloat out at sea all this time, just waiting to get pulled back into the life boat. But after he just accused Jaehyun? _Why now?_

“Please?” Jaehyun kisses him again--softly, sweetly. He holds their faces together, his fingers tangling in the back of Taeyong’s hair as he breathes the words into his mouth, “Can I fuck you, babe?”

That is exactly what Taeyong needs to hear. He wraps his arms around Jaehyun’s neck and buries his face in the crook of his shoulder. “Yes, _please_.”


	15. Chapter 15

Jaehyun guides Taeyong up the stairs by the hand, leading him to their room as slowly as he can, although they both want to run. Taeyong’s fingers curl around the side of his hand as tight at he dares. His heart is thumping in his chest, the tears still drying on his face, his lip nibbled nearly raw by the time they enter their bedroom.

“Taeyong.”

“Mm. Yes?”

Jaehyun puts a hand under his chin and guides his face upward. “Why can’t you accept it, huh? That I forgive you?”

Taeyong doesn’t move his head away from Jaehyun’s touch but his eyes trail away, ashamed. He has never really verbalized these thoughts before. Not even to himself. “B-because I know that I hurt you. I betrayed you. I was so selfish and in my own head and I just…” He meets his boyfriend’s eyes apologetically. He won’t say that he’s sorry anymore but he still feels like he needs--he needs… “I feel like…” He can’t say it because it sounds stupid and childish.

But then, to his total surprise, Jaehyun says it for him. “You want to be punished, don’t you?”

Taeyong’s eyes pop open. “Y-yes. I mean…” His eyebrows knit together in a mix of confusion and happy shock. _Really?_ He doesn’t ask out loud--he feels too shy after everything that this kink has put him through--but his expression must be one of total agreement because Jaehyun barely nods before he gets into it. "You want me to punish you for what you did? Hmm? Will that make you feel better?”

Taeyong gives a bobbly nod. He wants it. He _needs_  it so bad!

“Fine,” Jaehyun says. He keeps his voice steady. Not mean--not really--just stern and confident. Still, Taeyong feels a little rush of excitement cut through his leftover sorrow and confusion for the first time in a long time. “Take off your clothes and get on the bed.”

Taeyong is quick to obey. He’s trembling lightly as he hurries to their bed and starts by stripping off his shirt. He is naked from head to toe a moment later without any dilly-dallying. The thought crosses his mind--maybe he shouldn’t be so quick to strip for people. Maybe he should have just a little more pride. But then again, who cares? He’s dying for some physical attention from Jaehyun.

“Let me see your ass,” Jaehyun says, coming to stand a few feet away. He crosses his arms over his chest. Taeyong starts to obey but he cuts him off. “Hm? Excuse me? What do you say?”

Surprised that Jaehyun is actually doing something like a BDSM scene without being prompted or directly asked, Taeyong fumbles over the simple words, “Uh…y-yes, sir?”

“Mmhmm good.” Jaehyun swirls his finger in a twirling motion and Taeyong moves like a puppet on a string, turning around to show Jaehyun is bum. It is finally free of marks, the last hints of old bruising having vanished only a day or two ago. “Good,” he says again. “That’s the cute little butt I’ve been missing.”

Taeyong smiles faintly at the sheets and turns back around to sit on the edge of the mattress. His heart is fluttering with a blend of excitement and nervousness. He doesn’t know what to expect. He is so happy that Jaehyun finally wants to be intimate with him again and this whole demeanor is incredibly arousing. When Jaehyun said he would punish him, Taeyong has expected a simple spanking. The attitude is so much more than he would have dared to ask for at this point!

There is one thing bothering him, though. “Sir?”

“Yes?”

“Can I call you something else?” Taeyong asks, looking up at Jaehyun imploringly. He had called that asshole **jax669** ‘Sir.’ It doesn’t feel right referring to his loving boyfriend in the same terms.

Thankfully, Jaehyun has no qualm with it. “Sure. What do you want to call me?”

Taeyong thinks over all of the titles he’s familiar with and then settles on one. “How about Master?” He gazes up at Jaehyun with a loving gleam in his eyes. _I love you. I trust you. I could call you my master._

Jaehyun smiles back at him briefly and nods his acceptance. “Okay, pet.” He rubs his hand through Taeyong’s hair playfully--mussing it all up and then trailing his hand down over the boy’s face lightly to tap the bottom of his chin.

“Thank you, master.”

It feels so good rolling off of Taeyong’s tongue. Even better than expected. Maybe this was the title that Jaehyun needed all along: someone to take care of him and tell him what to do, punish him when he’s naughty or stupid or selfish. And hearing his boyfriend call him ‘pet’ is more calming to Taeyong’s nerves than any of the conversations about forgiveness that they’ve had in the past few weeks. It’s a diminutive name that he’s never put much thought into, but it feels so right. It’s degrading and caring at the same time, somehow.

“Your safeword is flamingo?” Jaehyun checks.

 _He finally remembered,_  Taeyong thinks appreciatively. _Just in time to forget it._  “Can I change it, master?” he asks softly. When Jaehyun nods, he says, “I want it to be your name. Jaehyun.”

“Mmm okay,” Jaehyun’s eyes light up a bit. “If you say my name: we stop right away. Even if you just say ‘Jae.’ Okay, pet?”

Taeyong’s heart swells every time he says it. “Yes, master.”

“Good.” Jaehyun moves away from Taeyong to retrieve something from the toy chest at the end of their bed. He returns a moment later with a pair of handcuffs and a hairbrush. “Turn around.” Taeyong obeys and a moment later Jaehyun has pulled his arms behind his back and clicked the handcuffs tight around his wrists. With a hand on the space between Taeyong’s shoulders, Jaehyun gives him a gentle push and the boy falls face first into the sheets with a familiar _whump_.

As soon as his cheek bounces off the mattress, a little thrill of fear rises to choke Taeyong. His eyes widen in alarm at the feeling--a nauseating echo of his experience with that awful man. For a second, he forgets where he is, but then he feels a warm hand come to rest on the mound of his bum. _Relax, relax,_ he reminds himself, pushing out some of the misplaced discomfort with each exhale. _ _T_ his is Jae. It’s your Jaehyun. You’re so safe. _

Jaehyun’s hand massages his left cheek for a moment and then he drops the cool back of the hairbrush on the same spot, just to alert Taeyong of his intentions. It feels very hard and flat against his soft skin. “Why am I punishing you, pet?” Jaehyun prompts him softly from behind. He doesn’t sound like the cruel dom of Taeyong’s old fantasies. He’s more of a stern, disappointed…well… _master _.__

“B-because I wasn’t…” He hates to say it and turns pink with every shameful syllable out of his mouth, but he must obey. “Because I cheated on you,” he eventually gets out.

“No.”

 _SMACK!_  The back of the hairbrush snaps down on the thickest part of Taeyong’s left cheek with a loud, resonating noise.

“I’m punishing you because you didn’t trust me.”

 _SMACK!_ It’s loud and it hurts but there’s enough time between strikes to let the sensations absorb into the flesh of Taeyong’s ass and send tingles of arousal into his crotch. After the fourth blow, he’s almost fully hard, his erection squished into the sheets under his body.

“You didn’t believe in me. You didn’t trust me. And you thought you were better off taking matters into your own hands. Didn’t you, pet?”

“Ahhhhngg! Yeh-essss, master. I’m sorry,” Taeyong moans.

 _SMACK!_ “That was a mistake,” Jaehyun agrees. He takes a break from the brush after ten hard strikes in the same exact spot and rests his hand on the red blob that is left behind. The area is hot to the touch and the flesh is softly welted and agitated, but the bruise that will blossom later today is sure to be deep and dark. “A mistake you will not make again, will you pet?”

“No, master. I won’t. I won’t,” Taeyong vows. And he really means that. He huffs through the pain and clings to the pleasure that’s building in his abdomen as Jaehyun alternates between squeezing and massaging the hurt flesh. It feels so nice--that mix of burning pain and warm, pleasurable soreness--and he hikes his hips up just a hair to press back into Jaehyun’s touch even more.

“Good, boy, Tae,” Jaehyun tells him. He bends at the waist to place a little kiss on the forming bruise before moving on to the other cheek.

At five strikes on the right side, Taeyong is whimpering softly, a wrinkle of blanket in between his teeth. By the ninth, he mewls out a series of pained cries and curls his toes in the carpet. “Oooo, ahh, _fuck_ \--”

“What’s that, pet?” Jaehyun checks, his hand halting in mid-air before the final blow.

“Nnggg hmm--nothing, master,” he groans. It hurts enough to make him sweat and tremble but he’s fine.

_SMACK!_

“There. Now you match.” Jaehyun discards the hard brush near Taeyong’s head and takes a minute to paw at the sore spot he that beat into Taeyong’s right cheek as well. Then his weight leaves the bed to retrieve a few more things from their toy chest.

The pop of a flip cap opening is the only warning Taeyong receives before Jaehyun is fingering his hole open. The touch is cool and slick, his fingers coated in a generous amount of lube as they rub and prod at the rim before pressing two finger tips inside.

“Ahh!” Taeyong chirps in surprise at the stretch. It’s mildly uncomfortable for the first few moments but the sensation quickly becomes pleasurable as the two slippery fingers sink inside deeper and deeper to stretch and rub at his inner walls.

“How does that feel?” Jaehyun asks. He twists his wrist and pulls his fingers out at the same time.

“So good. It feels so nice, master, thank you.”

“You’re welcome, pet.” Jaehyun’s voice is a bit higher, like he’s pleasantly amused, perhaps aroused. He swivels his fingers in and out of Taeyong’s ass for another minute or so before adding another dollop of lube and pressing something hard against his opening.

It’s a small plug, Taeyong decides after second of confusion, one of new ones that he bought and they have hardly ever used. Jaehyun pushes it inside of him slowly, letting the widest part of the bulbous plastic toy sit in his snug rim and stretch it uncomfortably before pushing it in the rest of the way. With the widest part inside, he closes around the intrusion unconsciously, leaving nothing but the pink ring protruding from his body.

“Are you hard?” Jaehyun asks curiously.

“Yes, master.” He’s _very_ hard now. So hard, in fact, that it’s difficult to keep his hips still. He’d like nothing more than to hump the sheets while Jaehyun goes on hitting him.

But his master has other ideas.

He grabs Taeyong by the hair on the back of his head and--slowly--pulls him up from the mattress, setting him on his knees at the side of the bed. As he does so, Taeyong struggles to lift himself up without the use of his arms so as to relieve some of the tearing pain in his scalp. Once he’s firmly planted on the floor, Jaehyun hops on the bed in front of him and splays his legs with a theatrical flare to reveal the outline of a boner in his pants. And when Taeyong sees that, his own cock starts leaking precum on the floor. “Master--” he keens, his gaze heavy with lust as he stares at the tell-tale bulge. He wants it in him. He needs to feel his master’s perfect, hard cock inside of him so that he can finally feel like they’re really okay again.

“Don’t stare, pet, you look desperate,” Jaehyun chuckles, giving Taeyong’s face a light smack. He doesn’t sound mean. If anything, he sounds like he’s having fun, and when Taeyong looks up at him again he flashes an amorous smile at the smaller boy. “Go ahead,” he encourages him, flicking his eyes down at his crotch and then back up again to meet Taeyong’s gaze to make a point.

Taeyong isn’t quite sure how to go about getting Jaehyun’s dick out of his jeans without hands. He leans his neck forward to mouth at the zipper but it’s a struggle to get it down and he mostly just rubs his face against the hard-on in Jaehyun’s pants.

“Here, I’ll help you.” Jaehyun gently pulls Taeyong off by the hair and undoes his pants, pulling himself out. At the sight of it, Taeyong huffs out an excited breath. Jaehyun is already completely hard and after only a moment of Taeyong’s eyes being on him, the bare tip begins to bead up with precum. “You know what got me hard?” he says, rubbing his hand through Taeyong’s hair as he speaks. “Fingering your gorgeous hole.”

Taeyong’s eyes droop closed, filled with arousal and happiness. “Mmm.”

“I can’t wait to fuck you,” he tells him, curling his fingers into a fist and tugging at Taeyong’s hair enough to jerk his head back. He leans forward to speak right in Taeyong’s face. “I’m gonna fuck you as hard as you like, pet. How does that sound?”

“ _Yes_ , master,” Taeyong whines. Oh _god_  he wants it so bad!

“Mmm good.” Just like that, he releases Taeyong’s hair and falls down onto the bed on his back. Taeyong looks after him, confused, but then Jaehyun says, “Climb on top of me.”

Taeyong rises to his feet and the motion jostles the plug inside of him. He’s not used to being filled like this but the sensation isn’t unpleasant, especially when combined with the ache of his bruising bum. He gets up onto the bed a little slower than usual because his arms are bound behind his back. When he tries to sit down over Jaehyun’s hips, the taller boy smacks his thigh hard enough to stop him.

“No. Come up here, pet. I want to suck all of the old, selfish jizz out of you before I fuck you.”

 _Huh?_ Taeyong’s brows shoot up in surprise. The last thing he expected was to get a blow job right now.

“Now, pet,” Jaehyun snaps. “Stop thinking about what you want or what you expect and just do what I say. Trust. Come here.”

 _Well when he puts it that way…_  He is _master_ , after all. Taeyong pushes away the disruptive thoughts and simply focuses on Jaehyun: his body, his words, his orders--and he obeys.

With careful yet uncoordinated movements, Taeyong manages to position himself above Jaehyun’s head with one knee on either side. He looks down and finds his master smirking up at him. “Look at this cute little cock.” He lightly slaps Taeyong’s hard dick downward just to watch it bounce back up and smack against Taeyong’s tummy, leaving a wet spot behind. “Ha. Cute,” he chuckles.

Then he spreads his hands wide around Taeyong’s butt and pulls his hips forward, guiding his wet prick straight into his waiting mouth.


	16. Chapter 16

“Oh my god! Oh my--Master, _please,_ fuhhh-k!--you’re gonna make me cum!” Taeyong gasps over and over again, and endless stream of desperation.

His hips are jerking and stuttering against Jaehyun’s chin completely out of his control but none of the motions do anything to free his prick from the overwhelming sensations that engulf it. Jaehyun is holding his bound wrists behind his back and pulling them downward, forcing Taeyong to arch his back and half-crouch, half-sit on Jaehyun’s collarbone with no way of escape. His thighs and abs are trembling madly, tensing to try and avoid organism so soon, but Jaehyun is having none of that.

From the moment that he first swallowed up Taeyong’s cock, he has not released it or stopped suckling on it for so much as a second. The entire shaft is inside of his mouth and he’s doing his absolute best to rush Taeyong into cumming with overwhelmingly intense strokes of his tongue. It’s so wet and hot and _fuck _\--__

“I’m gonna cum!” Taeyong cries in alarm. “Oh shit, I’m cumming, I’m cumming--” He can’t help it. A second later he’s gasping and shuttering through a mind-blowing orgasm, his seed pouring straight down Jaehyun’s throat.

And all the while, Jaehyun never lets up. He carries on licking and sucking on Taeyong’s member as if nothing has changed. The only difference is the feeling of Jaehyun swallowing around him--his tongue raising up in the back to intensify the sensations even further.

“Holy---ahhhh! Fuck me. Ugh! Fuck--god!”

Taeyong doesn’t know what to do with himself. His whole body goes from impossibly tense to utterly spent in a matter of moments, cock twitching and pulsating inside of his master’s hot mouth as his eyes roll back in his head.

And still-- _still!_ \--Jaehyun isn’t stopping.

The strong tongue lapping over his softening shaft quickly turns from unbelievable pleasure to unbearable torment. When Taeyong’s blissed-out brain finally realizes that his master means to torture him this way, his eyes pop open in horror.

“Ooooo please--” he whines, cringing and tensing as he tries to sit back--to pull away--something--anything! His prick is so over-sensitized now that even the gentle blow of Jaehyun’s breath would make it ache! Much less the onslaught of his entire mouth!

Taeyong twists his wrists and strains as much as he can without risking getting his dick yanked off, but Jaehyun does not let go. If anything, he starts sucking on the poor appendage even harder. And when his tongue recoils enough to lick at his slit, Taeyong is ready to cry.

“Oh my GOD! M-mah--Master, oh my god, _ahhhhh_  it hurts so bad!” His chest heaves in desperation, a sob following close behind.

Jaehyun’s eyes pop open to glare at him from below and a moment later his mouth softens. With the boy’s softening cock still inside of his mouth, he garbles out the taunt, “Too much, pet?”

Taeyong cries out at once, “ _Yes_ , master!”

“Really?” Jaehyun licks at the bottom of Taeyong’s shaft one more time and watches him jerk like he’s being electrocuted before finally letting the sticky appendage fall free. “I thought you could never get enough from me.”

“I’m sorry,” Taeyong pants, trying to curl forward to protect his prick from any more stimulation at the moment. But Jaehyun’s grip on his wrists prevent any such thing. “I’m sorry. I was so stupid.”

“That’s okay, pet,” Jaehyun says sweetly. He purses his lips together and ever so gently kisses the tip of Taeyong’s cock. Even that makes the smaller boy yelp. “I think you’ve learned your lesson now.”

While Taeyong goes on whimpering and whining through the aftershocks, Jaehyun reaches around his bum and begins to play with the plug that is still nestled firmly inside of him. He hooks his index finger into the ring that protrudes from between Taeyong’s bruising cheeks and starts to pull it out. Going very slowly, he pulls the widest part of the plug into Taeyong’s opening and then pushes it back inside several times before he finally takes it out all the way. It comes free with a squelching, wet pop.

“Mm, let me feel you, pet.” Taeyong is still mewling and twitching over Jaehyun’s chest as he presses two fingers inside of the rim and scissors him open a bit faster than he normally would.

“Oh master--” Taeyong sighs, apparently relieved at the feeling of attention elsewhere and not on his cock. He peers down at Jaehyun through swimmy eyes and smiles.

“Yeah? Just wait until I fuck you.”

He works on Taeyong’s hole until it’s ready for a third finger. Taeyong whines in a mix of anticipation and discomfort as Jaehyun’s ring finger sinks inside along with the other two, but he settles his weight down onto the intrusion anyway. Anything to speed the process along. He wants his master’s cock inside of him right now!

“Good boy, Tae. Bounce on my fingers. Just like that. Get yourself all nice and open for me.”

Taeyong does as he’s told even though the upper part of Jaehyun’s fingers is a painful stretch. He has no choice really: Every time he slows down, Jaehyun goes back to mouthing at his cock, and that’s so much more intense.

“Come on, baby, really sit on them,” Jaehyun heckles him with a lopsided grin. He can feel Taeyong’s thighs shaking as he settles himself fully onto the fingers, his walls clenching around them as he pulls himself up again. “Fuck yourself, yeah. I’m not gonna drill your ass like you want if you’re not ready for it.”

Taeyong does his best, and as he sits down all the way--taking his master’s fingers up to the big knuckles on his hand--ans then he feels a little burst of pleasure deep inside. “Oh!” he gasps. He lets his head loll back and presses down onto the intrusion again to feel that spark. Jaehyun’s fingers are just barely long enough to brush against his prostate if he sits down all the way.

He gets one or two more bursts of pleasure like that before Jaehyun grabs him by the hips and pulls him up, off, and back. Then he sets him directly above his crotch so that the tip of his cock is pressing up against Taeyong’s reddened rim.

“Ready, pet?”

“Yes! Yes, master. Yes. Please--” Taeyong pleads, wriggling his hips to try and get Jaehyun’s cock inside. The other boy holds him still, though, teasing him with just the tip. “Please~ Please, I want to feel you.”

“Mm okay. You can fuck yourself on my cock for a few seconds to warm up first,” he agrees.

His fingers float off of Taeyong’s hips one at a time until at last the boy’s hips are free to sink down over Jaehyun’s cock. He mewls and whines lustily as inch by inch, the lubed up shaft fills him. He doesn’t stop until he’s fully seated with the tickle of Jaehyun’s pubic hair brushing up against his tailbone.

“Ohhhhh yes,” Jaehyun sighs. He crosses his wrists behind his neck and relaxes completely, watching Taeyong gingerly start to move. “Good boy, Tae. Take it all the way.”

It feels so big and hard inside of him! Taeyong slides up and down on Jaehyun’s erection as slowly as he can bear. Normally he would rush and just try to impale himself in a zealous fury, but he’s a little nervous after how hurt he’d been last time.

 _This is nothing like that,_ he reminds himself, closing his eyes and savoring the stretch. _Jaehyun will never hurt me more than I would want._ He relaxes his opening as much as he can and starts bouncing with a bit more speed.

“Oh _yeah,_ babe, you feel too good. I can’t wait anymore!” Jaehyun sits up in one quick motion and wraps his arms around Taeyong to help him move faster. Their hips rolls up and down in tandem. Jaehyun groans in absolute pleasure and slams Taeyong’s hips down on his lap with extra force before shoving him off completely and onto his back in the sheets.

Caught off guard, Taeyong yelps as Jaehyun throws his legs up over his head and re-positions himself to stab into him from above. He’s crouched over Taeyong’s legs--practically standing all the way up--as he manhandles Taeyong’s hips high over his head, forcing his flexible spine into a wild inversion that puts his ass almost directly over his face. He jabs his thumb into Taeyong’s ass to get his bearings before guiding his cock straight down into the hot canal.

“Here you go, pet. Give you just what you want,” Jaehyun practically grows. He holds Taeyong still with vice grips around the back of his knees and starts absolutely _drilling_  him. Every thrust knocks the wind out of Taeyong’s twisted form and forces staccato cries from his lips, and as the head of his cock slams into Taeyong’s prostate again and again, the smaller boy finds his spent cock hardening out of his control.

“Oh--my--god!” Taeyong gasps through the wild thrusts. His giant eyes swivel back and forth between Jaehyun’s snapping hips and his own cock: beet red and stiffening directly above his face. It’s so rough! But it doesn’t hurt, not really. He’s so open and slick from the generous amount of lube that Jaehyun used on them both. And even the insane curve of his spine is well within his physical limits. _God _,__  does it feel intense, though! And so fucking hot! His cock aches but it’s filling and pulsing, ready to burst all over again!

Jaehyun is moaning above him. He is close to panting from the physical effort of railing Taeyong’s ass like this, but it’s working wonders. No matter how over-stimulated Taeyong’s poor cock is, nothing can stop it from leaking all over his chest and neck as Jaehyun relentlessly pounds his prostate.

Taeyong actually squeals.

“Oh-- _fuck_ \--yes--Ngh!” The sight of Taeyong falling apart and dripping all over his own face is enough to send Jaehyun over the edge. He shoves in all the way--as deep as he can possible go, even grinding his balls against Taeyong’s loosened rim--as his hips stutter through a truly explosive orgasm.

And when he’s done, they both freeze, panting and too exhausted to move. They’re both stunned for the moment.

“Holy shit…” Jaehyun huffs, totally out of breath. He had finished with such a burst of energy that his entire weight ended up sagging over the back of Taeyong’s thighs, bending the boy up into even more of a pretzel. “Whoops. Sorry.”

He peels himself off of his boyfriend and settles back on his haunches.

When he pulls out, Taeyong’s hole stays open for a moment, but the steep, inverted angle of his hips keeps Jaehyun’s cum from pouring out. The raunchy sight catches Jaehyun’s eye. “Oooo la la,” he croons, peering into the puffy opening. He sees his cum inside of Taeyong’s body for just a moment before the boy’s hole manages to flutter shut.

It’s Taeyong’s weak little whimper that draws Jaehyun’s attention. With strong hands, he helps Taeyong untwist himself and lower his hips back onto the mattress so that they can lie on their backs together.

“How was that, babe?” He wraps his arms around Taeyong’s neck and pulls his head over to rest on his chest.

“Wow.”

“Wow?” Jaehyun chuckles, amused and pleased. He trails one hand down Taeyong’s side and down over the curve of his ass. “Was it rough enough for you?”

Before Taeyong can answer, Jaehyun slides his fingers down the cleft of Taeyong’s ass and gently hooks one finger inside of his rim. Taeyong gasps and then settles into the reassuring touch. He presses his body snugly against Jaehyun’s entire side, not caring one bit that the close embrace agitates his aching, twitchy penis. It hurts so good, now.

“It felt amazing,” he sighs against Jaehyun’s shoulder. And what his boyfriend is doing to him right now feels so good, too--gently but firmly massaging his cum-coated, well-fucked inner spaces and tugging down lightly on the rim. It is an odd sensation but a good one.

“Do you feel better?” Jaehyun asks him, pressing a gentle kiss on Taeyong’s hair line.

“Yeah, I do. Thank you,” Taeyong says sincerely. He was really pleasantly surprised by Jaehyun’s demeanor and the sex felt amazing, but more than that he feels…

 

Safe.

 

He felt safe during the scene--even when it hurt--and he feels safe in their relationship again. Finally.

 

* * *

 

“An that’s all it was,” Jaehyun finishes with a small quirk of his lips.

Taeyong’s eyelashes flutter bashfully as he continues scrolling through the messages on his boyfriend’s phone. He’s not lying. For the past three and a half weeks, he and Doyoung had been speaking of nothing but chemistry homework and BDSM advice--recommendations for porn, links to BDSM style-of-choice quizzes, instructive how-to videos, and even blogs. And of course, personal tips and tricks as well. As Jaehyun had explained, Doyoung was into the kinkier things as well and had been more than willing to share once Jaehyun finally opened up to him about their struggles.

“I’m sorry I made you worry,” Jaehyun apologizes. He places his own hands over Taeyong’s on the back of his phone once the other boy has reached the bottom of the chat in question. “I wanted to surprise you once your butt was finally healed, but it took a hell of a lot longer than I expected. I should have just told you.”

“It’s okay.” Taeyong smiles at his boyfriend and relinquishes the phone, no longer suspicious or insecure in the least.

Jaehyun reaches a long arm out of the tub to place his phone on the cabinet near the toilet. Then he settles back into the warm, sudsy water. Taeyong slides between his legs and leans back, resting his back flush against Jaehyun’s chest with a contented sigh.

There was a crap ton of information exchanged in those many weeks worth of messages. If Jaehyun really watched and read everything that Doyoung recommended, then he should be quite the knowledgeable sex partner--even far beyond what they did today. “I can’t believe you did so much research for me,” Taeyong muses aloud.

“Yeah well…” Jaehyun runs his hands over Taeyong’s inner thighs beneath the surface of the bath water as he talks, “I should have done it a long time ago.”

“What do you mean?”

“Ehh…I could have put more effort into it in the first place. I never really did much outside research before. Just talking to you about it.” He pauses for a moment to rest his cheek on the top of Taeyong’s head. When he speaks again, a wistful smile creeps into his tone, “And as we know, you’re not the best communicator.”

He can’t even argue on that. He just pouts playfully and nods his agreement. “I liked it. Thank you.”

“I liked it, too!”  

“Really?” Jaehyun had never shown any real interest in it before.

“Yeah!” he exclaims happily. “You’ve always been like my cute, little boyfriend, naughty, cat, crazy boy.” He laughs, hoping that that’s not offensive to admit out loud. Taeyong is still resting against him with a content expression, though, so Jaehyun feels safe to go on, “I can’t---be--a total dick to you and beat you up all the time. But I can do the master thing if that’s good enough.”

Taeyong from two months ago might have thought he needed more than that--needed _more_ , and _meaner_ , and _harder_ \--but today, Taeyong knows that he can rest happily in that reality, pressed under the loving thumb of someone that he trusts.

“It’s more than enough, babe. You’re all I need,” he tells him.

At that, Jaehyun legitimately beams. They snuggle even tighter together in the tub and Taeyong cranes his neck around to get a kiss.

 

They stay in the tub until it starts to get cold, satiated in nothing but each others presence. Eventually, goosebumps raise up over Taeyong’s upper arms and Jaehyun suggests that they head to bed. He lets Taeyong get out of the chilly water first and flicks a towel at the blossoming purple splotch on his left butt cheek. When it connects with a harsh snap! Taeyong doesn’t flinch or yelp. He relishes the sting and flashes his boyfriend a mischievous grin over his shoulder.

“Tough cookie, huh?” Jaehyun laughs, jutting his bottom lip out. He’s mildly impressed. Taeyong leaves the bathroom in a damp rush and Jaehyun calls after him, “What do you think about wearing a collar next time, pet?"

Taeyong’s voice rings back loud and clear from around the corner, “Hell yeah. Collars are hot as hell.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope ya'll like this fic and got something out of it <3 
> 
> Do you have a fantasy story in mind that you can't find anywhere else? Maybe a psychi study / smut hybrid that you're dying to read? Hit me up! I fill people's wishes on commission and I love working with readers. 
> 
> Email me at addisonzhang070817@gmail.com xoxoxo  
> Or follow me on twitter @AZhang0708

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you are thinking and feeling!
> 
> \--Addy


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